Old TrashLaughs
Catch up on stuff you missed
rather than reloading it from the web in the future
Click on the title of the email that you'd like to view
Top ten reasons why computers are male/female
The Top 17 Ways To Seem "Presidential"
Deep Thoughts Contest
Legislative Slips
Orange Penis
And the Republicans respond...
The Rules of Life
Secret Debate Transcripts
Old Bob Dole
MORE political humor
Response to: Secret Debate Transcripts
Squeeze My Lemon
**** THE SHIT LIST ****
Proof that Jesus was a .......
Condoms
Old Age... and more
*** ONE BIG ASS HALLOWEEN E-MAIL ***
Glad to be a man and Women's rebuttal
Types of Girlfriends
The Honest Husband
Cliff Claven trivia
Me and my Car...
Last-Ditch Campaign Strategies of Bob Dole
3 jokes
Signs President Clinton is Over-Confident
BREAKING UP IS HARD TO DO...
Lifestyles
The MotherOfAllPukeLists
Love, Lust & Marriage
Signs Your Cat is Overweight
Men's Guide to what a woman really means & rebuttal
Fart and Shit Jokes
Big Lies & Other Quotes
3 Various Jokes
Top Signs the Peanuts Comic Strip is Getting Old
Tips for Surviving College
NEW MICROSOFT KEYBOARD
The Number of the Beast
Fishing for Virgins *OR* Reel Italians...
Pack your bags
Introducing: New Product to Replace E-Mail
Pickup Line Comebacks & Bumper Stickers We'd Like to See
Marriage Quotables
Types of Boyfriends
Funny WWW stuff
Hick Jokes
The Tyson Chicken Account
Miller Brewing Company
The Mathematics Of Relationships
WHY BEER IS BETTER THAN JESUS -&- The College of Logic
Baked Beans (CLASSIC)
Accountants vs. Engineers
Top 12 New Texaco Slogans
101 Things To Do With Your Dead Cat!
Elementary, my dear Watson
Universal Grade Change Form (and more)
11/22/96 JokeS
Strange Headaches
Bart's calls to Moe's Tavern
Use Pepper!!!
Bart's Blackboard Exercises
Norm Peterson Quotes
NERD APTITUDE TEST
3 assorted jokes
The Perfect Day
Men's room Etiquette
Breast Comparisons
Assorted Sex Jokes
Tractor Sales and Dairy Farming
HOW CORRUPT ARE YOU?
Facts About Men and Women
Top 15 Things Overheard at COMDEX
Speech Mistakes
Assorted Sex Jokes
THERE OUGHTA BE A LAW
Oh Dennis!
Can I please, please, please...
*** ONE BIG ASS THANKSGIVING E-MAIL ***
Happy Thanksgiving (ASCII ART)
A CONSTRUCTION WORKER'S DOG
Vacation Rentals
Cow Dip
You gotta kiss a lot of frogs first....
Help Me...
3 Quickies
GirlFriend 3.1 upgrade
Excuses from school!
elderly woman
America......then and now.
Only comes once a year
Tons 'O Filthy Jokes
No Cheerios!
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU PICKED THE WRONG INTERNET SERVICE PROVIDER
Management buzzwords & Sysop headaches
Good Times
The Ultimate College Final
The FINAL final
Yesterday
I'm Tired
Shhhhh, You'll Wake Her Up!
Grandpa has a bigger willy than I do
Xmas en espanol
Condoms
Airbags...
EGGHEADS
Twas the night before finals
Rabbi and Priest
Advise For Women
APPLICATION TO LIVE IN NORTHERN NEW JERSEY
Prison
Phone/Fax Joke
Men Vs. Dogs
ARE YOU NORMAL
From dogbyte@bambam.swlink.net Mon Oct 21 16:39:03 1996
Date: Mon, 21 Oct 1996 16:29:56 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
Subject: Top ten reasons why computers are male/female (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
> Top Ten Reasons why computers are MALE
>
> 10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
> 9. A better model is always just around the corner.
> 8. They look nice and clean and shiny until you bring them home.
> 7. It's always necessary to have a backup.
> 6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
> 5. The best part of having one is the games you can play.
> 4. In order to get their attention, you have to first turn them on.
> 3. The lights are on but nobody's home.
> 2. Big power surges knock them down for the whole night.
> 1. Size does matter.
>
> Top Ten reasons why computers are FEMALE
>
> 10. Picky, picky, picky.
> 9. They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
> 8. Beauty is only shell deep.
> 7. When you ask what's wrong, they say "nothing."
> 6. Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.
> 5. Always turning simple statements into big productions.
> 4. Smalltalk is important.
> 3. You do the same thing for years, and suddenly its wrong.
> 2 They make you take the garbage out.
> 1. Miss just one period and they go nuts.
MOI??
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _|| To be added to the list,
/ / \ ------- |_____| || send an e-mail to me at
/ | | | __) dogbyte@goodnet.com
| | | |_____ __) with the word SUBSCRIBE
| |_|_|_| | \___) in the header.
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | |
_/ / | | |
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Mon, 21 Oct 1996 22:23:31 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
Reply-To: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: Ways to Seem "Presidential" (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
The Top 17 Ways To Seem "Presidential"
17> Instead of paying your bills, stamp a big red "VETO" on them.
16> Be way, way cooler than anyone claiming to be Vice President.
15> Continuous loop of "Hail to the Chief" on your boom box.
14> Votes. Try to get more votes than your opponent. Next question?*
13> When someone catches you in a lie, respond with, "Well, there you
go again..." and finish with a football story.
12> Close your eyes, spin the globe, point, and send in troops.
11> During debates, try not to harp on the "cooties" issue.
10> Sink your wooden teeth into a Big Mac or two, then tell the
manager to bill the Federal Reserve.
9> When faced with character assassination, stand tall and laugh
it off. When faced with actual assassination, duck.
8> End every statement with, "Viva El Presidente! That's Me!"
7> Make the wife and kids run alongside the car wearing trenchcoats
and sunglasses, looking around nervously and speaking into their
watches.
6> As Commander-In-Chief, declare war on spouse for stealing the
remote.
5> Affix your "Presidential Seal" to anything in a skirt, if you
know what I mean.
4> Avoid falling off stages.
3> Simply ignore Ross Perot when he tries to jump up and bite you
in the knee.
2> Always keep pants in full upright and locked position.
and the Number 1 Way To Seem "Presidential"...
1> Lie like there's no tomorrow!!!
Back To Top
Date: Tue, 22 Oct 1996 14:13:28 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: Deep Thoughts Contest (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
Deep Thoughts Contest
-- From a newspaper contest where entrants were asked to imitate
"Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey"
HONORABLE MENTIONS:
My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get
buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I
should have told him the truth--that most of us go to Hell and burn
eternally--but I didn't want to upset him.
It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's
birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a
lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26,
just for the long weekends.
Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting
just any old yokel vote.
Home is where the house is.
Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher.
That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.
As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a
few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of
days saved up.
It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an
accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it,
the blood would be right there.
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept
the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.
The people who think Tiny Tim is strange are the same ones who think
it odd that I drive without pants.
For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then
the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what
happens to cheese when you leave it out.
Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if
you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest
number you could come up with!
I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe
"Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't is
morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?"
Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no
feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed
them, right?
When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better
have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why
I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash
clothes on the last day of their life?
I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some
people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he sucks.
Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think
about the last words of my favorite uncle: "A truck!"
If you really want to impress people with your computer literacy, add
the words "dot com" to the end of everything you say, dot com.
I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog.
Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of
his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor.
THIRD RUNNER UP
I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine
that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of
water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the
population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots.
Once there was a big fire and everyone died.
SECOND RUNNER UP
I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was
just a lawn mower.
FIRST RUNNER UP
I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself,
at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine
they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over
one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition.
I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to
Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle
that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a
periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They
gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts.
WINNER
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world
peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the
looting started.
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _|| To be added to the list,
/ / \ ------- |_____| || send an e-mail to me at
/ | | | __) dogbyte@goodnet.com
| | | |_____ __) with the word SUBSCRIBE
| |_|_|_| | \___) in the header.
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | |
_/ / | | |
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Tue, 22 Oct 1996 18:03:34 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
Reply-To: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: Legislative Slips (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THIS IS A NOTE THAT DOGBYTE GOT FROM ONE OF THE GROUP MEMBERS:
IT IS FROM THE GROUP'S MOST ACTIVE MEMBER!!!!
From: Richard S
Please let your readers know about my humorous e-mailing list as I have
notified mine of yours.
All they have to do is drop me a note asking to be added (it's not
automated).
Thanks.
-Richard
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
COLLECTION OF LATEST LEGISLATIVE OOPS OF THE TONGUE
By: Jack Wardlaw, The Little Man
Drum roll, please!
It's time for the annual Tongue-Slipper Awards, for the best quips,
busted metaphors, unintentional misstatements, dangling modifiers and
Freudian slips of the just-completed Louisiana Legislative session.
Such as when Rep. Avery Alexander, D-New Orleans, told the House:
"I don't know anyone here that's been killed with a handgun."
For starters, here are the winners in the "Truth in Legislative"
category:
* "I can't believe that we are going to let a majority of the people
decide what is best for this state."
--Rep. John Travis, D-Jackson.
* "This amendment does more damage than it does harm."
--Rep. Cynthia Willard-Lewis, D-New Orleans.
* "I think we have passed something that we didn't want to do."
--Rep. Chuck McMains, R-Baton Rouge.
* "Y'all are hurting my tender ears. I would appreciate it if
y'all would scream one at a time."
-- House Speaker John Alario, D-Westwego.
* Rep. Wilfred Pierre, D-Lafayette: "The Knights of Peter Claver
is a large Catholic organization."
Rep. Juba Diez, D-Gonzales: "I'm a large Catholic, and I don't belong
to it."
* "I was 15 years old before I ate my first chicken without
tire tracks."
--Rep. Jay McCallum, D-Farmerville.
The Legislative Staff Award goes to the female staffer who was told
that the gill net bill was coming up the next day and responded that she
had to go home and coordinate the next day's outfit with her fishnet
stockings.
And there's the Senate staffer who asked Sen. Donald Hines, D-Bunkie
(a medical doctor), whether he preferred being addressed as "doctor" or
"senator." He responded:
"I guess it depends on what kind of a problem you want me to
solve."
And finally, the Metaphor of the Year award goes to Sen. B.B. "Sixty"
Rayburn, D-Bogalusa, who - while describing how it is to run a gauntlet
of lobbyists to get to the Senate chamber - said:
"They're lined up like cooters on a log on a sunshiny day."
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _|| To be added to the list,
/ / \ ------- |_____| || send an e-mail to me at
/ | | | __) dogbyte@goodnet.com
| | | |_____ __) with the word SUBSCRIBE
| |_|_|_| | \___) in the header.
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | You may have noticed that I'm sending e-mail
_/ / | | | from various accounts.... please continue to
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/ contact me (as needed) at dogbyte@goodnet.com
Back To Top
Date: Wed, 23 Oct 1996 09:44:37 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: Orange Penis (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is
orange."
The doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can
check. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange. Doc tells the guy, "This
is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress
in a person's life."
Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How
are things going at work?"
The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells
him that this must be the cause of the stress. Guy responds, "No. The
boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week
and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a
couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double
what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy."
So the doc figures this isn't the reason. He asks the guy, "How's your
home life?" The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago."
The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys
stress.
Guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I
glad to be rid of that old bitch."
So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer. He inquires, "Do
you have any hobbies or a social life?"
The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I sit home, watch some
porno flicks and munch on Cheetos!!!"
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _|| To be added to the list,
/ / \ ------- |_____| || send an e-mail to me at
/ | | | __) dogbyte@goodnet.com
| | | |_____ __) with the word SUBSCRIBE
| |_|_|_| | \___) in the header.
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | |
_/ / | | |
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
From dogbyte@bambam.swlink.net Wed Oct 23 16:31:21 1996
Date: Wed, 23 Oct 1996 16:28:45 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: And the Republicans respond... (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
YOU MIGHT BE A DEMOCRAT IF...
You think "ethics" is an eastern European country.
You've named your kids with hyphenated first and last names.
You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people
were only willing to redistribute their wealth.
You've ever referred to someone as a "bigot or Nazi"
You've ever tried to prove Jesus was a married man.
You oppose the death penalty, but support abortion.
You don't support school choice for others, only for yourself.
You think you might remember laughing once as an adult and
feeling guilty about it.
You once broke loose at a party and inhaled, but don't admit it.
You support diversity, as long as others agree with you.
You've referred to moral fiber thinking it was a new man made
textile.
You've ever uttered the phrase, "you hypocrite"
You've ever said, "the bill of rights is outdated"
You answer to "No One"
You support PETA and Green Peace, but still eat beef, fish, lamb,
and wear leather garments.
You protest your neighbor clearing their yard of weeds.
You only let your kids watch PBS and listen to NPR.
You scream at the thought of agreeing with a republican.
You've argued that Western values are no values.
You agree that all the world's problems can be traced back to
white Anglo-Saxon men taking advantage of others.
When people say "Marx," you think, to bad his idea didn't work.
You've ever yelled, "capitalist"
You still wear the Birkenstocks you purchased in 1969.
You argue that you need 300 laws to control guns.
You really think that guns kill people. Not people kill people.
You want to protest something but don't know what.
You've ever said I support civil liberties, but not personal liberties.
You will not admit that trees are a renewable resource.
You've ever said "reduce paper, save a tree".
You donate money because it makes you "feel good".
You came of age in the '60s and don't understand what went wrong.
You justify lying cheating democrats because republicans lie and cheat.
You ever start or end an argument on the phrase, "you are closed minded"
You never told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a trash can"
because he chooses to do so.
You think denial is a virtue.
You don't mind contributing 4 months of your salary to the government.
You're only sorry it can't be more.
You believe that everyone else is responsible for you but you.
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _|| To be added to the list,
/ / \ ------- |_____| || send an e-mail to me at
/ | | | __) dogbyte@goodnet.com
| | | |_____ __) with the word SUBSCRIBE
| |_|_|_| | \___) in the header.
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | |
_/ / | | |
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Fri, 25 Oct 1996 01:48:11 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: The Rules of Life (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
Sociologists around the world agree that these are...
THE RULES OF LIFE:
1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
2. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
5. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
6. Sometimes too much to drink is not enough.
7. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
8. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
9. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
10. Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
11. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
12. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
13. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
14. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
15. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
16. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
17. All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
18. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind
to blame.
19. One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
20. By the time you make ends meet, they move the ends.
21. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
22. The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
23. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
24. This is as bad as it can get, but don't count on it.
25. Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
26. The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you
realize it is a do-it-yourself thing.
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _|| To be added to the list,
/ / \ ------- |_____| || send an e-mail to me at
/ | | | __) dogbyte@goodnet.com
| | | |_____ __) with the word SUBSCRIBE
| |_|_|_| | \___) in the header.
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | |
_/ / | | |
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Fri, 25 Oct 1996 13:46:19 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs1: ;
Subject: Secret Debate Transcripts (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
Secret Debate Transcripts
By Nora Cody
Transcript of the 3rd debate between President Clinton and Senator Dole
(held in secret and never before released to the public)
Question: "What can you do about the rain? I live in Seattle and it
rained
way too much last year."
Clinton: "What's your name, dear?"
Questioner: "Jeannette"
Clinton: "Well, Jeannette, I'm glad you asked that question. Last year,
rainfall on average was down 3%. In Seattle, it rained 6.5% less than the
previous year. If you'll give me four more years, we can bring it down some
more.
"Under George Bush, both rain and snow increased nationwide. Newt Gingrich
and Bob Dole proposed extensive cuts in my weather management program --
cuts that would have left families like yours paddling through floodwaters
and slogging through snow. We have a plan to not only reduce rain, but to
attack the persistent problems of sleet and hail as well. If you'll give me
a chance, we can join hands and stroll across a sunny bridge to the 21st
century. Thank you."
Dole: "There he goes again, Jeannette. Taking credit for the
weather!
That's just like that other thing -- last year, during the Congressional
session -- wanted to grab credit for that plan we were pushing . . . Well,
anyway, let me tell you what I'll do about the rain.
We've got a tax plan that will result in real changes in your life. Tax
credits to those companies that seed the clouds will bring about a real
boost in rainfall where we really need it, like in Russell Kansas. I'm from
Russell, Kansas. When I was a boy, there was no rain. We ate dust for
breakfast. Didn't mind, still don't. There was a time I couldn't even get
myself dressed in the morning. I got over that, and you can too."
Next question: "I want the new Nintendo for Christmas, and my Dad told me
that the store is already sold out. But I want
it! I want Nintendo!!"
Dole: "Young man, how old are you?"
Questioner: "Six."
Dole: "Well, youngsters such as this fellow often make good
points. Points
about our great American capitalist system. Unfortunately, under President
Clinton and his democratic cronies our competitiveness in the electronics
and toy industries has greatly declined. Do you think those Japanese kids
have trouble getting Nintendo at Christmas time? No sir.
"Let me tell you a story. When I was a boy, we didn't even have television.
Instead, I worked hard in the fields. In Russell, Kansas, where I was
raised. We would have been happy with an orange for Christmas. Today's
children need to appreciate what they have."
Clinton: "What's your name, son?"
Questioner: "Zachary."
Clinton: "Zachary, I feel your pain and frustation. Why (chuckles)
I still
remember my joy at finding that Radio Flyer wagon under the Christmas tree
when I was six years old. You should get your Nintendo. In fact, every
young person in America who wants Nintendo should have it, along with access
to the Internet. If we don't get these kids logged on to the information
highway of the 21st century, we're doing them a grave disservice. If you'll
give me four more years, Zachary, I'll make sure that every child has all
the technology they want."
At this point the debate was forced to an early conclusion as Clinton and
Dole simultaneously rushed to hug/shake hands with (respectively) Zachary,
knocking one another to the ground in the process.
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte/trash.htm
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Fri, 25 Oct 1996 23:41:16 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: HUM: Old Bob Dole (***) (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
"Old Bob Dole"
Old Bob Dole was a grumbly old soul,
A brooding old soul was he.
He called for his wife and his running mate glib
He asked for the presidency.
Economy's in the toilet, everyone knows,
It's all downhill now, said he.
But I'm The Most Optimistic when it comes to the debt
We'll take 15% off for free.
Old Bob Dole was a mumbly old soul
A disjointed old soul was he.
Manpower Services, about half those jobs
It stinks, they said it, not me.
A better man for a better something like that
I trust the people, trust me!
It's about public integrity, won't mention private
It's your money. It's your money.
Old Bob Dole was a nasty old soul,
A vicious old soul was he.
He fired a handler, then blamed his staff.
He called for K. Starr, attorney.
Ken, he said, my time's running short,
The vote's in a week or three.
That corrupt hick and his grasping wife can't win again
What can you dig up for me?
Bob, said Ken, I've done my best,
I've worked on your campaign for free.
I've indicted their friends, and subpoenaed them,
But jailed only four, you see.
Old Bob Dole was a grim old soul
And facing the end, he'll be
Grimmer and grimmer, as his career winds down
In a self-destructive jubilee.
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte/trash.htm
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Sat, 26 Oct 1996 15:32:40 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: MORE political humor (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
Quayle, Gingrich, and Packwood are travelling in a car together in the
midwest. A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses
them thousands of yards away. When they come to and extract themselves from
the vehicle, they realize they're in the Land of Oz. They decide to go see
the Wizard of Oz. Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain."
Gingrich says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart." Packwood says,
"Where's Dorothy?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In a recent press conference, Bob Dole was asked, "Which do you prefer,
boxers or briefs?"
"Hmmmm .....Depends!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When Bob Dole was running against Pat Buchanan for the Republican
nomination, Buchanan was forced to give up the hosting job of Crossfire
as part of the equal time rule. Consequently, Dole gave up his job as the
Cryptkeeper on 'Tales from the Crypt'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One of Bill Clintons aids came into the oval office and said, "Mr
President, what should we do about this abortion bill?" Mr. Clinton
replied, "Well...PAY IT of course!! How many times do I have to tell
you that?"
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte/trash.htm
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Sat, 26 Oct 1996 15:44:27 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: Response to: Secret Debate Transcripts (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
40 Reasons to Say No to Four More Years (actually 80 -- read on!!)
by Jeff Jacoby
1. Joycelyn Elders.
2. According to the GAO, ethics investigations of the Clintons and their
aides are costing taxpayers more than $1 million per month.
3 Eighty-six men, women, and children died in Waco Texas, after FBI agents
used grenade launchers to mount a CS gas attack.
4. "100,000 more police on the streets." Seen 'em yet?
5 "A tax cut for the middle class:" Seen it yet?
6. Clinton went on national TV and answered questions about his underwear.
7. The candidate. "We're going to end welfare as we know it." The
president:Vetoed two reform bills before finally, reluctantly, signing a
third.
8. AmeriCorps pays college-age "volunteers" more than $9 an hour.
9. Webster Hubbell.
10. "Clinton's an unusually good liar. Unusually good. Do you realize that?"
--Democratic U.S. Sen. Bob Kerrey of Nebraska.
11. The candidate: "I think President Bush played racial politics with the
Haitian refugees. I wouldn't be shipping those poor people back." The
President: "The practice of returning those who fled Haiti by boat will
continue."
I2. His "Cabinet that looks like America" contained 14 lawyers and 10
millionaires.
13 Hillary's 1,342-page health care "reform" would have created 33 agencies
and 200 regional alliances. added $70 billion to the deficit.
14. Terrorists at the White House I: Yasser Arafat.
15. Terrorists at the White House II: Gerry Adams.
16 George Bush was right: Clinton did turn the White House into the waffle
house.
17. The candidate: "(Bush) hasn't fought a real war on crime and drugs, I
will." The president: Slashed the Office of National Drug Control Policy;
teen-age drug use doubled.
18. First priority: gays in the military.
19. Hiked gasoline tax to highest rate.
20. Shut down two runways at Los Angeles International Airport so he could
have his hair cut by Cristophe of Beverly Hills.
21. Cristophe's going rate: $200 per haircut.
22. George Stephanopoulos: "The president has to get his hair cut like
everybody else."
23. Average per-capita federal tax burden, 1992: $4,I53.1996: $5,225.
Increase: 25.8 percent.
24. Craig Livingstone.
25. Clinton calls the Defense of Marriage Act "gay baiting, pure and
simple"-- and promises to sign it.
26. Midnight basketball: Your tax dollars at work.
27. Hillary's chats with Eleanor Roosevelt.
28. Clinton's 1996 budget forecast $200-billion-plus deficits for the next
seven years.
29. "North Korea cannot be allowed to develop a nuclear bomb" - Clinton
administration, November 1993. "(North Korea) already has as many as two
nuclear bombs and is continuing to develop atomic weapons" - Clinton
administration, April 1994.
30. Sent Jimmy Carter to cut a deal with the North Koreans: We agreed to
give Pyongyang free oil, two free nuclear reactors, diplomatic ties and
increased trade - and Pyongyang agreed to dismantle its bomb-making
facilities in 10 years.
31. The Clinton tax increase on Social Security hit 5.5 million retirees.
32. At the first sign of controversy, he walked away from Zoe Baird.
33. And from Kimba Wood.
34. And from Lani Guinier.
35. He chose to celebrate the 50th anniversary of V-E Day in Moscow
--Berlin's ally in invading Poland and starting World War II.
36. "The (Arkansas state) troopers said they were often called upon to act
as intermediaries to arrange and conceal (Clinton's) extramarital encounters.
They say they frequently picked up and delivered gifts from Clinton to
various woman, and often drove Clinton ... to meetings with women." Los
Angeles Times, Dec. 21,1993.
37. Hazel 0'Leary.
38, Key Clinton adviser on "family values:" Dick Morris.
39. The candidate: "We should not reward China with improved trade status
when it has ..... failed to make sufficient progress on human rights since
the Tiananmen Square massacre."The president: "I am moving, therefore, to
delink human rights from the annual extension Most Favored Nation trading
status."
40. Clinton argued that Paula .Jones' sexual harassment lawsuit should be
postponed until he leaves office because he is on "active duty".
(From the Boston Globe, as printed in the Daily Oklahoman, 18 Sep 1996)
RECENTLY in this space (Sept. 18), I listed and painful me 40 reasons to
make Bill Clinton a one-term burned president. From thousands of readers came
suggestions for 40 more reasons. My thanks to all who wrote - and especially
to Rush Limbaugh who generated amazing enthusiasm for this little civics
project. And now, Reasons 41-80 to send the Clintons packing:
41. A top private school for Chelsea, but no vouchers for poor kids.
42 Clinton blamed radio talk-show hosts for the terrorist bombing in
Oklahoma City.
43 Vice President A1 Gore on Russian President Boris Yeltsin July 16, 1996:
"To me, he looks good." In fact, Yeltsin had just suffered a heart attack and
remains gravely ill.
44. Ira Magaziner.
45 The candidate: "American politics is being held hostage by big money
interests ".. The president: Sold private White House dinners to donors who
gave at least $100,000 to the Democratic National Committee plus "private
impromptu meetings" with senior officials, a "personal DNC staff contact"
to cut through federal red tape, and seats on foreign trade missions.
46. Deval Patrick, quota king.
47. The Clintons donate used underwear to charity and deduct it on their tax
returns.
48. But they. never bothered to report their profits from Hillary's 1980
commodities trading -- until they were exposed in 1994.
49. When Chicago housewife Judy Mendoza told Clinton "You suck " he had her
arrested, fingerprinted, interrogated and jailed.
50. Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens is 77 years old.
51. A historic first: The first lady is called before a grand jury.
52. Another historic first: White House reporters ask if the president has a
sexually transmitted disease.
53. Why won't he release his medical records?
54. Number of White House aides with history of serious drug abuse,
according to the Secret Service: more than 40.
55. Cuba blows four unarmed Americans out of the sky, killing them in cold
blood - and Clinton does nothing to punish Castro.
56. Doesn't do anything when Capt. Scott 0'Grady is blown out of the sky by
Bosnian Serbs either.
57 Or when five Americans in Saudi Arabia are killed by a car bomb. Or when
19 more Americans are killed by a second bomb.
58. Does, however. shut down Pennsylvania Avenue.
59. Shameless exploitation 1: "I have vivid and painful memories of black
churches being burned in my own state when I was a child." (No black
Churches were burned in Arkansas when Clinton was a child.)
60. Shameless exploitation II: Christopher Reeve in a wheelchair.
61. Shameless exploitation III: Vote for Al Gore because his sister died of
lung cancer.
62. "Throughout most of my life, I raised tobacco." -- Al Gore, campaigning
in North Carolina in 1988.
63. Normalized relations with Vietnam, one of the planets nastiest
dictatorships.
64. In a "completely honest bureaucratic snafu," Clinton aides rifled the
private FBI files of more than 900 Republican opponents.
65. Triangulation.
66. The huge 1993 Clinton tax increase hiked taxes retroactively.
67. The candidate: "It is time for America ... to exert strong leadership
in putting a halt to the Serbian-led aggression." The president: "Let me tell
you something about Bosnia ...The United Nations controls what happens in
Bosnia."
68. Missing files Shredded files. Stonewalled files.
Carted-out-of-Vince-Foster's-office-in-the-dead-of-
night files.
69. Turned a blind eye to the Russian slaughter in Chechnya.
70. The defamation of Special Prosecutor Ken Starr.
71. In 50 years, he's never had a private-sector job. It's time.
72. "If I were a single man, I might ask that mummy out." -- Clinton, on a
500-year-old Peruvian corpse.
73. Innocent Travel Office staff was fired on Hillary's orders.
74. "I'm the only president who knew something about agriculture when I got
(to the White House)." And to hell with Presidents Carter, Truman, Jefferson
and Washington.
75. Vetoed the bipartisan bill to ban late-term partial-birth abortions,
which Daniel Patrick Moynihan calls "close to infanticide."
76. Even Third World dictators laugh at Warren Christopher.
77. Percentage of Americans who believe one or both Clintons have broken the
law: 53.
78. They don't call him "Slick Willie" for nothing.
79. He wants more money for the National Endowment for the Arts.
80. National debt, 1992: $4.0 trillion. 1996: $5.2 trillion. Clinton
increase:30 percent.
Eighty reasons should be enough.
The Boston Globe as printed in The Daily Oklahoman, Wed 2Oct96.
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte/trash.htm
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Sun, 27 Oct 1996 21:49:29 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: Squeeze My Lemon (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around
that they offered a standing $1000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass,
and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of
juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but
nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses
and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try
the bet"
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon,
and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to
the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his
fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little
man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter,
or what?"
The man replied "I work for the IRS."
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Mon, 28 Oct 1996 09:05:33 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: **** THE SHIT LIST **** (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----] Several folks have mentioned that
\\ {|||} _\____ they've had it up to here:
\\ {|||} / ---- (hand gesture)
\\-------- / with all the political stuff. I
/ | can tell how you plan to vote by
| DogByte | your acrimonious comments.
\| ----------- \
| || Anyway... I thought I'd give you
|| || a retreat to the old shit.
== == ENJOY!
************* THE SHIT LIST *************
THE GHOST SHIT
The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit on the toilet paper, but
there's no shit in the bowl.
THE CLEAN SHIT
The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit in the bowl, but there's
no shit on the toilet paper.
THE WET SHIT
You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up
putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you don't
ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.
THE SECOND WAVE SHIT
This shit happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees,
and you suddenly realize you have to shit some more.
THE BRAIN HEMORRAHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT
Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead Shit".
You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and
practically have a stroke.
THE CORN SHIT
No explanation necessary.
THE LINCOLN LOG SHIT
The kind of shit that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down
without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.
THE NOTORIUS DRINKER SHIT
The kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of drinking.
It's most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the
toilet bowl after you flush.
THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD SHIT" SHIT-
The kind where you want to shit, but even after straining your guts out,
all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.
THE WET CHEEKS SHIT
Also known as the "Power Dump". That's the kind that comes out of your
ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.
THE LIQUID SHIT
That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt,
splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time,
chronically burns your tender poop-chute.
THE MEXICAN FOOD SHIT
A class all its own.
THE CROWD PLEASER
This shit is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to
show it to someone before flushing.
THE MOOD ENHANCER
This shit occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby
allowing you to be your old self again.
THE RITUAL
This shit occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with
the aid of a newspaper.
THE GUINESS BOOK OF RECORDS SHIT
A shit so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.
THE AFTERSHOCK SHIT
This shit has an odour so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity
within the next 7 hours is affected.
THE "HONEYMOON'S OVER" SHIT
This is any shit created in the presence of another person.
THE GROANER
A shit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.
THE FLOATER
Characterized by its floatability, this shit has been known to
resurface after many flushings.
THE RANGER
A shit which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in
a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to
push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.
THE PHANTOM SHIT
This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to
putting it there.
THE PEEK-A-BOO SHIT
Now you see it, now you don't. This shit is playing games with
you. Requires patience and muscle control.
THE BOMBSHELL
A shit that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either
inappropriate to shit (ie. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you
are nowhere near shitting facilities.
THE SNAKE CHARMER
A long skinny shit which has managed to coil itself into a frightening
position - usually harmless.
THE OLYMPIC SHIT
This shit occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive
event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the
Drinker's Shit.
THE BACK-TO-NATURE SHIT
This shit may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the
woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.
THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN SHIT
An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from
God when you actually CAN'T shit.
PREMEDITATED SHIT
Laxative induced. Doesn't count.
SHITZOPHERENIA
Fear of shitting - can be fatal!
ENERGIZER vs DURACELL SHIT
Also known as a "Still Going" shit.
THE POWER DUMP SHIT
The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when
you're done.
THE LIQUID PLUMBER SHIT
This kind of shit is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all
over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log
Shit.)
THE SPINAL TAP SHIT
The kind of shit that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to
be coming out sideways.
THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY ASSHOLE" SHIT
Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Shits. The shape and size
of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in
the rectum for some time afterwards.
THE PORRIDGE SHIT
The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You
have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it piling up to
your butt while you sit there helpless.
THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" SHIT
When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your
rectum on the way out in the morning.
THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" SHIT
When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and
make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.
THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" SHIT
Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn
anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently
near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gaggin and gasping for
air.
THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE" SHIT
Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop
off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the place.
The "TURBO-CHARGER" SHIT
You're sitting there, minding your business, so to speak, thinking
everything is normal, and suddenly there is a totally unexpected, yet
full and robust passing of wind, followed by more, perfectly normal
shit. This typically results in a completely soaked behind.
THE FLOCK OF SEAGULLS SHIT
You drank some very yeasty beer the night before, you're driving along
the only stretch of freeway with no service station for the next 50kms,
you skid to a halt when you get there, drop your pants on your way in
to the trap, and there's an immediate explosion, followed by the
realisation that there's a new mottled wall-paper on the wall behind
the bowl.
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Mon, 28 Oct 1996 09:16:21 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: Proof that Jesus was a ....... (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----] This one is guaranteed to
\\ {|||} _\____ entertain & offend almost
\\ {|||} / ---- everybody!!!
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH:
1. He went into his father's business
2. He lived at home until the age of 33
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin,
and his mother was sure he was God
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He never held a steady job
3. His last request was a drink
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN:
1.His first name was Jesus
2.He was always in trouble with the law
3.His mother did not know who his father was
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN:
1. He talked with his hands
2. He had wine with every meal
3. He worked in the building trades
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK:
1. He called everybody brother
2. He had no permanent address
3. Nobody would hire him
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS CALIFORNIAN:
1. He never cut his hair
2. He walked around barefoot
3. He invented a new religion
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Mon, 28 Oct 1996 09:22:36 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: Condoms (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
A guy was at the supermarket and after buying a few things he began to
queue up in this really long
line for the checkout. After about 15 minutes in the line he reached the
checkout girl and just at that
moment he remembered that he needed some condoms.
Not wanting to line up again he said to the girl "Oh I meant to buy some
condoms but forgot"
"Do you know what size you are ?" she asked.
"No".
"OK drop your pants and I'll tell you what size you are".
The guy then, not being the shy type, drops his trousers and the girl
has a feel with her hand and then
says in the microphone "1 packet of large condoms to aisle 3 please", he
pulls up his trousers, the
condoms are brought to him and he pays his bill and goes on his way.
Another male customer sees this and thinks he'd like to have this nice
girl fondling his prick and so says the same thing to the girl. A
similar course of events takes place, only this time after having a
feel she says "One packet of medium sized condoms to aisle 3 please",
the condoms are then brought to him and he pays the bill and goes on his way.
Also watching this course of events was a rather excitable 15 year old
boy who then decides to queue up and try the same routine.
"I'd like to buy some condoms please, but I forgot" he says.
"Do you know what size you are?"
"No."
"OK, I'll check. Whoops, mop and bucket to aisle 3 please!"
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Tue, 29 Oct 1996 12:04:55 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: Old Age... and more (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
Subject: You Know You're Getting Older When...
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
You feel like the night after, and you haven't been anywhere.
Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.
You get winded playing chess.
Your children begin to look middle aged.
You're still chasing women but can't remember why.
A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
You look forward to a dull evening.
You walk with your head high trying to get used to your bifocals.
Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today..."
You turn out the light for economic reasons rather than romantic ones.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.
After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before applying a
second coat.
Dialing long distance wears you out.
You're startled the first time you are addressed as an old timer.
You just can't stand people who are intolerant.
The best part of your day is over when your alarm clock goes off.
You burn the midnight oil until 9 pm.
Your back goes out more often than you do.
A fortune teller offers to read your face.
Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you watch a pretty girl go by.
The little grey haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
You have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine
cabinet.
You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
------------------------------
The class assignment in composition was to write about something unusual that
happened during the past week. Little Irving got up to read his. "Papa fell
in the well last week - " he began.
"Good heavens," shrieked Mrs Kroop, the teacher. "Is he all right now?"
"He must be," said little Irving. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."
-------------------------------
Parking in Manhattan
Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his
Rolls-Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask
for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken
aback, requested collateral. "Well, then, here are the keys to
my Rolls-Royce", the man said. The loan officer promptly
had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for
safe keeping, and gave him $5,000.
Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors,
and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That
will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest", the loan
officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk
away.
"Wait sir", the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found
out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to
borrow $5,000?"
The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in
Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"
-------------------------------
CLEVER HEADLINE. The Owen Sound (Ont.) Sun Times reported Sept. 17,
that the voters in Syndenham Twp. had said no to a gambling casino there,
and the mayor announced the city will withdraw a proposal to be the site
of the Canadian National Aquarium Conservatory. The head: "NO FISH OR
CHIPS." (From Burned Out Newspaper Guild, BONG-L)
------------------------------
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't
seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!" "What do you
mean? I'm fine." "What about that wooden leg? You didn't have that
before." "Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a
cannon ball hit my leg but the Doc fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."
"Oh yeah? Well what about that hook? The last time I saw you had
both hands." "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship.
I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the Doc fixed me
up with the hook, and I feel great, really." "Oh," said the
bartender, "what about that eye patch? The last time you were in here
you had both eyes." "One day when we were at sea some birds were
flying over the ship. I looked up and one of them crapped in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't have lost an eye
just from some bird crap!" "Well, I really wasn't used to the hook
yet."
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Wed, 30 Oct 1996 20:04:01 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: *** ONE BIG ASS HALLOWEEN E-MAIL *** (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
1.
2. The Top 15 Complaints of Modern Day Vampires
3. THE TOP TEN REASONS TRICK-OR-TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX
4. Halloween Joke (rated)
5. PC Halloween -- Abort, Retry, Ignore?
# # ## ##### ##### # #
# # # # # # # # # #
####### # # # # # # #
# # ###### ##### ##### #
# # # # # # #
# # # # # # #
# #
# # ## # # #### # # ###### ###### # #
# # # # # # # # # # # # ## #
####### # # # # # # # # ##### ##### # # #
# # ###### # # # # # ## # # # # # #
# # # # # # # # ## ## # # # ##
# # # # ###### ###### #### # # ###### ###### # #
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My favorite Halloween costume is
to go naked on a pair of roller skates as a pull toy.
(This should only be tried by males.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Top 15 Complaints of Modern Day Vampires
15> Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the undead.
14> Nutrasweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap.
13> Hard to get a decent puncture with latex on your fangs.
12> Three Words: Daylight Savings Time
11> Can't enjoy a meal at Burger King without some redneck
yelling, "Look Ma! It's Elvis!"
10> After 45 years of Communist rule, it's impossible to find
clean, uncontaminated Transylvanian soil for bottom of coffin.
9> After 100 years of trying, still can't score with Elvira.
8> No bat is safe with Ozzy Ozbourne around.
7> With all those crucifix-wearing Madonna clones, junior highs
are suddenly off-limits.
6> No warm blood for miles around DC.
5> Exhausted from all those Calvin Klein photo shoots.
4> No small task beating F. Lee Bailey to a warm body.
3> Buxom wenches of old have been replaced by aerobicized
"hardbodies."
2> Baboon heart makes everything taste gamey.
and the Number 1 Complaint of Modern Day Vampires...
1> Sick and tired of being mistaken for Keith Richards.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE TOP TEN REASONS TRICK-OR-TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX
10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
6. Person giving you candy doesn't fantasize you're someone else.
5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months.
4. If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky.
3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. Less guilt the next morning.
and, the #1 reason trick or treating is better than sex...
1. IF YOU DON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT,YOU CAN ALWAYS GO NEXT DOOR!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween
Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband
to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband,
protested, but she argued and said she was going to take
some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his
good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his
costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened
without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to
the party. Since her husband did not know what her
costume was, she thought she would have some fun by
watching her husband to see how he acted when she was
not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting
around on the dance floor, dancing with everyone he could,
copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife
sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself,
he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the
new stuff that had just arrived.
She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was
her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her
ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars for
a little workout. Just before unmasking at midnight, she
slipped away, went home, put the costume away, and got
into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would
make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what
kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing.
You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell
you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met
Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the
den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy
I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PC HALLOWEEN
(It is to the meter of "The Raven" by Edgar Allen Poe...do read it aloud
near the water cooler...)
>
> Abort, Retry, Ignore?
>
> Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
> System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
> Longing for the warmth of bed sheets, still I sat there doing spreadsheets.
> Having reached the bottom line I took a floppy from the drawer,
> I then invoked the SAVE command and waited for the disk to store,
> Only this and nothing more.
>
> Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing,
> Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some more.
> But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token.
> "Save!" I said, "You cursed mother! Save my data from before!"
> One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more,
> Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
>
> Was this some occult illusion, some maniacal intrusion?
> These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before.
> Carefully I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises.
> The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more.
> Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more,
> From "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
>
> With fingers pale and trembling, slowly toward the keyboard bending,
> Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
> Praying for some guarantee, timidly, I pressed a key.
> But on the screen there still persisted words appearing as before.
> Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore,
> Saying "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
>
> I tried to catch the chips off guard, and pressed again, but twice as hard.
> I pleaded with the cursed machine: I begged and cried and then I swore.
> Now in mighty desperation, trying random combinations,
> Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before.
> Cursor blinking, angrily winking, blinking nonsense as before.
> Reading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
>
> There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted.
> Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
> And then I saw a dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the night.
> A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my very core.
> The lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore.
> Not even, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
>
> To this day I do not know the place to which lost data go.
> What demonic nether world us wrought where lost data will be stored,
> Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, into black holes?
> But sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more,
> You will one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore,
> Pleading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Thu, 31 Oct 1996 09:20:41 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: Glad to be a man and Women's rebuttal (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
--------------------------------------------------
Why don't witches wear panties?
So that they can get a good grip on the broom...
--------------------------------------------------
MAN, I'M GLAD I'M A MAN, MAN
Everyday I give thanks to God
I was born a man instead of a broad
When Oprah comes on, I turn off the TV
I don't shave my legs, I stand up to pee
I go to a barber, not a beauty salon
Don't pluck out my eyebrows just to draw them back on
Don't wax my pubes so I can wear shorts
I use my turn signal, I understand sports
Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I don't go through a faze every 28 days
Man, I'm glad I'm a man
I pay cash at the grocery, no checks or coupons
Don't take a lot of friends when I go the the john
I don't throw a fit when I break a nail
I don't buy a lot of shoes just because they're on sale
I don't apply makeup in my rear-view mirror
I don't think of Bambi when I'm out hunting deer
I drink beer from a bottle, not from a glass
I don't ask my friends about the size of my ass
Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I don't face the pain of water-weight gain
Man, I'm glad I'm a man
Let me tell you ladies
Listen to me ladies
I love those things inside of your blouse
I love your pretty faces
Your warm and soft embraces
But if I had my own two boobs, I'd never leave the house
I don't spend two hours getting ready for a date
I don't play with dolls unless they inflate
When someone asks me my age, I never lie
After sex in bed, my spot's always dry
I don't read about orgasms in Vogue magazines
I don't mind if my dates try to get in my jeans
I don't spend a fortune on French lingerie
This is the same underwear I wore yesterday
Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I don't take a pill, I don't use Massengill
Man, I'm glad I'm a man
Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I find Michael Bolton completely revoltin'
Man, I'm glad I'm a man
_______________________________________________________________
I'm Glad I'm A Woman
I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am
I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions
I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown
and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!
I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt
my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut
and I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch
or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind
I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind!
I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride!
And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal
I won't tell you my wife just does not understand
stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see
you can forget all about that old penis envy
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks
join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Thu, 31 Oct 1996 20:33:41 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: Types of Girlfriends (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
THE 9 TYPES OF GIRLFRIENDS
----------------------------
1) Ms. Nice Gal - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you
shouldn't have"
Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main
squeeze, doormat
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday
2) Old Yeller - "You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent
son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me
miserable??"
Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog
from Hell
Advantages: Pays attention to you
Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans
3) Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite"
Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy
Advantages: Predictable
Disadvantages: Contagious
4) The Bosser - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a
haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't
give me that look."
Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and
Chain, yes Mom
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?
5) Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch
my career, goals, home, and hair color?"
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c'mon Honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed
6) Wild Woman out of Control - "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an'
make love onna front lawn. I done it
before. S'fun."
Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs
7) Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep
snickering at"
Also known as: No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition,
iceberg, Snarly
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
Disadvantages: You will have no friends
8) Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain
how I feel about our relationship"
Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad
News, Artistic
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud
9) Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you
are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think
we must make love like crazed weasels now"
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
Advantages: Funny, intelligent uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Fri, 1 Nov 1996 07:02:08 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: The Honest Husband (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
The Honest Husband
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon
they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where
they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished
they fell asleep and didn't wake up till 8 o'clock.
They got dressed quickly. Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes
outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she does as he asks (thinking
him pretty weird).
The man finally gets home and his wife meets him at the door. Upset, she
asks where he's been. The man replies "I cannot tell a lie. My secretary
and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place,
spent the afternoon making love then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."
The wife looks at him, takes notice of his shoes and says, "I see those are
grass stains on your shoes. You've been playing golf again, haven't you!?"
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Fri, 1 Nov 1996 21:00:39 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: Cliff Claven trivia (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
Some interesting trivia:
The word "queueing" is the only English word with five consecutive
vowels.
The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the
"General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.
The two longest one-syllable words in the English language are
"screeched" and "strengths."
The longest word in the Oxford English Dictionary is
"floccinaucinihilipilification," which means "the act of estimating
as worthless."
The abbreviation for pound, "lb.," comes from the astrological sign
Libra, meaning balance, and symbolized by scales.
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a
full moon.
Montpelier, Vermont is the only U.S. state capital without a
McDonalds.
The Chinese ideogram for 'trouble' symbolizes 'two women living under
one roof'.
In Chinese, the words for crisis and opportunity are the same.
Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people
without killing them use to burn their houses down - hence the
expression "to get fired."
The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each
gallon of diesel that it burns.
Maine is the only state that borders on only one state.
The word 'byte' is a contraction of 'by eight.'
The average ear of corn has eight-hundred kernels arranged in sixteen
rows.
The famous split-fingered Vulcan salute is actually intended to
represent the first letter ("shin," pronounced "sheen") of the
word "shalom." As a small boy, Leonard Nimoy observed his rabbi
using it in a benediction and never forgot it; eventually he was
able to add it to "Star Trek" lore.
The term "the whole 9 yards" came from WWII fighter pilots in the
South Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber
machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the
fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the
whole 9 yards."
The term the "Boogey Man will get you" comes from the Boogey
people,who still inhabit an area of Indonesia. These people still
act as pirates today and attack ships that pass. Thus the term spread
"if you don't watch out the Boogey man will get you."
The longest U.S. highway is route 6 starting in Cape Cod,
Massachusetts going through 14 states, and ending in Bishop, California...
"Underground" is the only word in the English language that begins
and ends with the letters "und."
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
From dogbyte@bambam.swlink.net Sat Nov 2 17:36:20 1996
Date: Sat, 2 Nov 1996 17:30:33 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: Me and my Car... (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
What your car says about you:
Acura Integra - I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars
Acura Legend - I'm too bland for German cars
Acura NSX - I am impotent
Audi 90 - I enjoy putting out engine fires
Buick Park Avenue - I am older than 34 of the 50 states
Cadillac Eldorado - I am a very good Mary Kay salesman
Cadillac Seville - I am a pimp
Chevrolet Camaro - I enjoy beating up people
Chevrolet Chevette - I like seeing people's reactions when I tell
them I have a 'Vette
Chevrolet Corvette - I'm in a mid-life crisis
Chevrolet El Camino - I am leading a militia to overthrow the government
Chrysler Cordoba - I dig the rich Corinthian leather
Datsun 280Z - I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well
Dodge Dart - I teach third grade special education and I
voted for Eisenhower
Dodge Daytona - I delivered pizza for four years to get this car
Ford Fairmont - (See Dodge Dart)
Ford Mustang - I slow down to 85 in school zones
Ford Crown Victoria - I enjoy having people slow to 55mph and change
lanes when I pull up behind them
Geo Storm - I will start the 11th grade in the Fall.
Geo Tracker - I will start the 12th grade in the Fall.
Honda del Sol - I have always said, half a convertible is better
than no convertible at all
Honda Civic - I have just graduated and have no credit
Honda Accord - I lack any originality and am basically a lemming.
Infiniti Q45 - I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending.
Isuzu Impulse - I do not give a rip about J.D. Power or his reports.
Jaguar XJ6 - I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is
in the shop 280 days per year.
Kia Sephia - I learned nothing from the failure of Daihatsu Corp.
Lincoln Town Car - I live for bingo and covered dish suppers
Mercury Grand Marquis - (See above)
Mercedes 500SL - I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph
Mercedes 560SEL - I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole
Mazda Miata - I do not fear being decapitated by an eighteen-
wheeler
MGB - I am dating a mechanic
Mitsubishi Diamante - I don't know what it means either
Nissan 300ZX - I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings.
Oldsmobile Cutlass - I just stole this car and I'm going to make a
fortune off the parts
Peugeot 505 Diesel - I am on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List
Plymouth Neon - I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena
Pontiac Trans AM - I have a switchblade in my sock
Porsche 944 - I am dating big haired women that otherwise
would be inaccessible to me
Rolls Royce Silver Shadow - I think Pat Buchannon is a tad bit too liberal
Saturn SC2 - (See Honda Civic)
Subaru Legacy - I have always wanted a Japanese car even more
inferior than Isuzu
Toyota Camry - I am still in the closet
Volkswagon Beetle - I still watch Partridge Family reruns
Volkswagon Cabriolet - I am out of the closet
Volkswagon Microbus - I am tripping right now
Volvo 740 Wagon - I am frightened of my wife
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Mon, 4 Nov 1996 11:01:16 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: Last-Ditch Campaign Strategies of Bob Dole (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
The Top 17 Last-Ditch Strategies of Bob Dole
17> Has Liddy toss in a free pint of blood with every Dole vote.
16> Get Russell, Kansas to hold a bake sale and tractor raffle.
15> "Ms. Flowers, this is Bob Dole..."
14> Asks Clinton to drop out of the race so Dole has a chance
against Perot.
13> Checks with the Joint Chiefs of Staff on the possibility
of a military coup.
12> Releases doctored footage showing him catching that foul
ball in the playoffs.
11> Appeals to "soccer moms" by donning Valderrama wig and
providing free Gatorade for remainder of campaign.
10> Uses Senate influence to ram through a Constitutional
amendment raising minimum age for President to 70.
9> In addition to the 15% tax cut for every American, also
promises a 15% hair cut.
8> Bribes Chelsea with a Porsche and a case of wine coolers
for an endorsement.
7> Cruises Sunset Boulevard at 2:00 a.m. in desperate try
for his own $25 media blitz.
6> Claims mean-spirited twin "Doug" locked him in basement
and claimed his identity for last 40 years.
5> Digs through the Rolodex for that Gilooly kid's number.
4> Legally changes his name to "Bob Clinton."
3> Promises to name Snoop Doggie Dogg "Gangsta of State."
2> Out: Jack Kemp. In: Tom Hanks.
and the Number 1 Last-Ditch Strategy of Bob Dole...
1> New campaign slogan: "Vote Dole in '96, get Kemp in '97!"
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Mon, 4 Nov 1996 18:26:43 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: 3 jokes (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
>
> A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender
> hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to
> compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a
> question though, why is your head so small?"
>
> The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many
> times.
>
> "One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods.
> I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was
> coming from a frog sitting next to a stream. So I picked up the frog
> and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant
> you 3 wishes."
>
> So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss.
> POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman. She
> said, "You now have 3 wishes." I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound
> body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger." She nodded,
> whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of
> my clothes and was standing there naked! She then asked, "What will be
> your second wish?"
>
> I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make
> sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down,
> and beckoned to me. We then made love for hours! Later, as we lay
> there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking,
> she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What
> will it be?" I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A joke heard around the Pentagon lately goes like this:
One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't
speak the same language. For example, if you told Navy personnel to
"secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors. Army
personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter. Marines would
assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and
close combat. The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a
three-year lease with an option to buy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A ladder was placed against the bedroom window of a burning house,
and a young fireman rushed up. Inside was a curvy brunette in a
see-through nightie.
"Aha," said he, "you're the second pregnant girl I've rescued this
year!"
"But I'm not pregnant."
"You're not rescued yet."
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Tue, 5 Nov 1996 08:18:41 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: Signs President Clinton is Over-Confident (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
The Top 16 Signs President Clinton is Over-Confident
16> Starts victory speech 5 minutes after polls open.
15> Under media pressure, now admits to inhaling, but adds,
"I didn't bogart."
14> Making plans to get "strategically bombed."
13> Has already resumed dating.
12> At campaign stops, responds to voters' comments with,
"Yeah, whatever."
11> Has already renewed White House digital dish subscription
to Playboy Channel for '97.
10> Roger Clinton allowed out of seclusion weeks ahead of schedule.
9> Apparently not even remotely concerned about the weigh-in.
8> Offers to spot Dole ten electoral votes.
7> Embarked on non-stop 96-hour cross-country McDonald's tour.
6> Against his doctor's orders, stopped taking his Beano.
5> Has already purchased a victory bag of "Colombian Catnip",
and it ain't for Socks.
4> Spends last day of campaign mooning traffic on Russell,
Kansas, street corner.
3> Instead of the usual 3 pizzas for the White House staff's
Tuesday dinner, orders 5 and doesn't use a coupon.
2> Seen wearing a t-shirt that says "I Beat Dole in '96 and
All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt!"
and the Number 1 Sign President Clinton is Over-Confident...
1> After kissing babies in Houston, kisses babes in Hooters.
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Tue, 5 Nov 1996 14:17:14 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: BREAKING UP IS HARD TO DO...(fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
BREAKING UP IS HARD TO DO...
(especially when you share the same major!)
PSYCHOLOGY: Girl accuses guy of just using her as a substitute for
his Mother.
SOCIOLOGY: Each claims to have been oppressed in the relationship.
RELIGION: Each prays for reconcilliation and/or curses God
ARCHAEOLOGY:One tries to bury the past, and accuses the other of
trying to dig it up.
THEATRE: "OH MY GOD! Life is... ENDED... as we KNOW it!"
BIOLOGY: "You just wanted to get in my genes!"
PHYSICS: Both resign themselves to the fact that what goes up must
come down.
JOURNALISM: "Today was the end of an era. Jack, 19, and Jill, 18,
called an end to their relationship of 2 weeks..."
WOMEN'S STUDIES: "HE did it!"
BUSINESS: Both decide that they're spending way too much money
together, and that it's simply cheaper to be single.
ITALIAN: "Mama Mia!"
HISTORY: Each party argues the breakup was caused by something
the other party did in the past.
GEOGRAPHY: Both people decide to simply move far away to avoid
each other.
ANATOMY: "I never liked your body anyway."
ECONOMICS: One party demands more than the other can supply.
ENGLISH: Each writes the other a perfect breakup letter, complete
with introduction, thesis, body, and conclusion, that doesn't
really say anything substantively intelligible.
EDUCATION: Both concede that the relationship was a learning experience.
COMPUTING: "Man, this bytes -- we just couldn't interface" and/or
"His hard drive was more like a floppy."
E. ENGINEER.: "It's just so shocking... I'm sure there are positives
and negatives, but..."
ARCHITECTURE: "There just wasn't much to build on anyway..."
JEWISH STUDIES: "OY! You should feel so guilty!"
PHILOSOPHY: If 2 people break up in a dorm and there's no one to
witness the breakup, are they really single?
ZOOLOGY: They were able to mate like banshees, but lacked
sophisticated communication skills.
PHYS. ED.: They punch each other out in frustration.
CHEMISTRY: "It was just the wrong chemistry between us..."
COUNSELING: Each urges the other to "get help!"
MUSIC: Each utilizes an operatic lament (or, in some parts, a
country song) to express his or her sorrow.
LAW: They sue each other for breach of a pre-dating agreement.
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Tue, 5 Nov 1996 14:07:14 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: Lifestyles (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
Men's Life Styles Through the Ages
===========================================
AGE DRINK
17 beer
25 beer
35 vodka
48 double vodka
66 Maalox
SEDUCTION LINE
17 My parents are away for the weekend.
25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 My fiancee is away for the weekend.
48 My wife is away for the weekend.
66 My second wife is dead.
FAVORITE SPORT
17 sex
25 sex
35 sex
48 sex
66 napping
DRUG
17 pot
25 coke
35 really good coke
48 power
66 coke, a limousine, the company jet
DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "tongue"
25 "breakfast"
35 "She didn't set back my therapy."
48 "I didn't bump into her kids."
66 "Got home alive."
FAVORITE FANTASY
17 getting to third
25 airplane sex
35 menage a trois
48 taking his company public
66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave
HOUSE PET
17 roaches
25 stoned-out college roommate
35 Irish setter
48 children from his first marriage
66 Barbi
WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 25
25 35
35 48
48 66
66 17
IDEAL DATE
17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25 "Split the check before we go back to my place"
35 "Just come over."
48 "Just come over and cook."
66 sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas to see Frank
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Wed, 6 Nov 1996 15:48:34 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: The MotherOfAllPukeLists (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This item comes from Richard S , who
hosts a humor list of his own. Many of the items that I send to
TrashLaughs are from him, but because of the volume that he churns out, I
cannot send you *ALL* of his stuff. If you want to receive his complete
load, just send him an email entitled SUBSCRIBE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
350 PUKE SYNONYMS
1) Giggle to ralph over the porcelain intercom
2) Offering sacrifice to ralph, the porcelain god
3) Upchuck
4) Calling for earl
5) Going for the big spit
6) Making a call on the great white telephone
7) My dinner is coming to say hello
8) Sing lunch
9) Spew spuds
10) Uncle fester
11) Worship at the porcelain altar
12) Blow breakfast
13) Ride the regurgitron
14) Shooting cats
15) Abdominal voorheaves
16) Blow
17) Calling hughie on the great white telephone.
18) Chunderchunk
19) Growling in the grass
20) Liberate your lunch
21) Retching liquid vowels (eeeeeeee... oooooooo... uuuuuuuuu)
22) Toss a tiger
23) Yeech
24) York
25) Inverse intake
26) Lob liquid hand grenades
27) The big wah
28) Blow a gasket
29) Buy the buick
30) Calling to hughey
31) Chuckel
32) Conducting a suprise toilet inspection
33) Divulge dinner
34) Make food offerings to the china gods
35) Retching your guts up
36) Solid scream
37) Whistling carrots
38) Kotzen
39) Liquid scream
40) Yell down the porcelain manhole
41) Blow din-din
42) Calling dinosaurs
43) Chunky blast
44) Cough cubes
45) Gurp
46) Power boot
47) Send a message to the wastebasket
48) Unswallow
49) Wet burp
50) Yell at ralph in sign language
51) Calling to the carpet
52) Shout europe at the sink
53) Stomach snot
54) Barf
55) Calling bert
56) Clam chowder surprise
57) Getting bit by count barf-ula
58) Growling at the ground
59) Overweight burp
60) Calling to ralph
61) Protein spill
62) Technicolor yodel
63) Worship the porcelain god
64) Yodel
65) Burpin' solid
66) Chuck a pizza
67) Liquidate your assets
68) Bark at the moon
69) Buick
70) Calling lawn tigers
71) Chuck
72) Decorate the dunny
73) Hack
74) Manual override (fingers down the throat)
75) Psychedelic spit
76) Sing to the sink
77) Yodeling for ralph
78) Park the buick
79) Ride the yak
80) The brooklyn mating call
81) Barf mulch
82) Bushusuru ("doin the bush thing," a real japanese phrase!)
83) Chunderspew
84) Giggle chunks
85) Gush
86) Hag
87) Heave
88) Inverse gut
89) Ralph
90) Sing psychedelic praises to the depths of the china bowl
91) Blow chow
92) Drive the dunny
93) Reverse peristalsis
94) Bark like a seal
95) Chumming the water
96) Harf
97) Hewey and ralph
98) Leave lunch
99) Liquid giggles
100) Paint the town green
101) Retch
102) Spew soup
103) Yell for hughie
104) Calling to the seals
105) Laughing at the lawn
106) Scream cookies
107) Bark'n up breakfast
108) Calling for herb
109) Feed the houseplants
110) Induce antiperistalsis
111) Liquid belch
112) Play with the edible yo-yo
113) Polishing your shoes
114) Scream beets
115) Spew supper
116) Whistling beef
117) Clam chowder revisited
118) Enjoying dinner in reverse
119) Make an offering to the porcelain god
120) Bending and sending
121) Calling
122) Chortle chunks
123) Gargling gravy
124) Letting the lunch fly
125) Meal to go
126) Release the lions
127) Scream at the carpet
128) Solid sneeze
129) Thunder-chunder rainbow parfait
130) Kneel before the porcelain throne
131) Organic output
132) Throw up
133) Boak
134) Laughing at the lions
135) Propel chunks
136) Park a tiger
137) Power chuck
138) Yelling at the ground
139) Boot
140) Redecorate the bathroom
141) Talk to the carpet
142) Ejecting a stomach
143) Give an oral sacrifice at the altar of the porcelain god
144) Setting your lunch free
145) Leggo yer eggo
146) Mark the street
147) Singing solo in the porcelain amphitheater
148) Talk to ralph on the porcelain telephone
149) Vomediate
150) Yak
151) Calling buicks
152) Chumming the fish
153) Deliver street pizza
154) Flash your hash
155) Oral turbo blowby
156) Round-trip meal ticket
157) Feed your young
158) Order buicks over the big white phone
159) Reverse drink
160) Blow acid
161) Projectile hose vom
162) Shouting at your shoes
163) Bring it up for a vote
164) Dribble phlem
165) Sneeze your chunks
166) Chewing backwards
167) Talking on the comode-a-phone
168) Wolf
169) Blow chunks
170) Gack
171) Talk with the monster
172) Cough-up chunks
173) Lateral cookie toss
174) Vomit
175) Blow foam
176) Lose your lunch
177) Spray
178) Fertilize the sidewalk
179) Mugging the porcelain tourist
180) Puke
181) Growling in the gutter
182) Laughing at the carpet
183) Reverse gears
184) Showing the menu (after eating, of course)
185) Whistle chunks
186) Blowing liquid kisses to the china goddess
187) Gush quid
188) Thunder-chunder chowder blow
189) Hork your beans
190) Insult your shoes
191) Technicolor scream
192) Emergency stomach evacuation
193) Meet my friends ralph and earl
194) Talking to the interior decorator on the comode-a-phone
195) Huey
196) Read the toilet
197) Spray chum
198) Blowing your beets
199) Fertilizing the carpet
200) Singing the lovely beer ballad
201) Impromptu protein party
202) Launch lunch
203) Throw dinner
204) Spew chunks
205) Chowder chunder
206) Pray at the porcelain altar
207) Regurgitate
208) Lipshits
209) Making the chunky puddle
210) Talk to huey down the big white telephone
211) Bowing to the porcelain budha
212) Reverse diarrhea
213) Toss your cookies
214) Give up to superior incontinence
215) Make a technicolor tribute to disney
216) Worshipping the porcelain godess
217) Calling uncle ralph
218) Pitching a slider
219) Power blow
220) Pray to the porcelain gods
221) Spunge
222) Urp
223) Blow your biscuits
224) Erupting grocery geyser
225) Tonsil toss
226) Drop the carpet pizza
227) Leave a trophy
228) Taste dinner
229) Hork
230) Hurl your mung
231) Spew your vittles
232) Pledging your alligence to vomitola-khomaini
233) Selling the buick
234) Talk to ralph on the big white telephone
235) Choom
236) Liquid laughter
237) Technicolor yawn
238) Making a puke pizza with everything on it
239) Planting beets
240) Un-eat
241) Blow lunch
242) Laughing at your shoes
243) Talk to ralph on the camode-a-phone
244) Spew chips
245) The jersey yodel
246) Vector-spew
247) Bow down before the porcelain god
248) Unleash the monster
249) Yuke
250) Feed the fish
251) Psychedelic scream
252) Yurk
253) Bowing to the yuke of earl
254) Playing the rumination game
255) Chum the china sea
256) Whistlin' a solid tune
257) Calling ruth
258) Core dump
259) Earl
260) Park the pea soup
261) Chumming the porcelain sea
262) Lose some chopped carrots
263) Searching the porcelain cavern for the mulch monster
264) Woof-up your vittles
265) Bowing before the porcelain throne
266) Food fountain
267) Clean house
268) Making love to the lav
269) Drive the porcelain bus
270) Pray to the china goddess
271) Bail the rail (mung overboard!!!)
272) Parbreake
273) Chunder
274) Ordering up a street pizza
275) Looking for o'rourke
276) Sell cars (fooooorrrrd!!! buuuuuuiiiccccckkkk! hyuuuundai!!!!)
277) Bring flourescent christmas cheer
278) Rufus
279) Decorate pavement
280) Yabble
281) Boot camp
282) Sling beets
283) Chuck yer chum
284) Gut painting
285) Cotch
286) Spewing your guts up
287) Oral diarrhea
288) Toss your tacos
289) Blow buckets of bile
290) Filling the bilge
291) Growling at the gravel
292) Pleading your case before the porcelain judge
293) Apetizing the audience
294) Talk to god on the big white telephone
295) Going to europe with ralph and earl in a buick
296) Projectiling
297) Chortle up the wrong tree
298) Launching the food shuttle
299) Potar
300) Wax the floor
301) Blow chum
302) Perform the liquid cough
303) Lose weight
304) Scream in braille
305) Bush bomber mission over tokyo
306) Taking pictures of funny faces in the porcelain photobooth
307) Coughing-up your colon
308) Ride the meal-go-round
309) Commode hugging
310) Lunch revisited
311) Protein slingshot
312) Woof
313) Brack
314) Gutdumping
315) Leaving a pavement pizza
316) Spew
317) Chuck your cheerios
318) Reverse gut
319) Lose flourescent christmas cheer
320) Scream chunks
321) Disgorge
322) Spray-painting the carpet
323) Spray chunks
324) Undrink
325) Blow doughnuts
326) Negative chug
327) Honk
328) Werble
329) Blow groceries
330) Talk to john on the porcelain telephone
331) Drown the ants
332) Hurl
333) Fling your food
334) Hurl your hash
335) Playing the whale
336) Thunder-chunder pavement pizza
337) Barking at the ants
338) Gastric overpressure relief
339) Paint the wall
340) Spill the groceries
341) Gag
342) Spew snacks
343) Hug the porcelain wishing well
344) Retroshitting
345) Catch it on the rebound
346) Rainbow retch
347) Involuntary personal protein spill
348) Turning on the soup spout
349) Brechen
350) Put your best food forward
16 BONUS SPECIAL OCCASION SYNONYMS
Jump shot (when you jump up and try to run to the head... but you
only wind up adding velocity to your extract)
Power barf (when you can't believe how much and how fast it pours out)
Grenade barf (usally occurs on a crowded sofa or in a car:
where shrapnel hits everybody in a five foot radius)
Slam barf (when it comes out so hard it splashes the water EVERYWHERE)
Volcano barf (when you're laying on your back, and you start
erupting... and it oozes down your face like lava)
Projectile barf (when the chunder is spontaneous and completely out
of control)
Blue-in-the-face barf (when you spew so long and hard that you start
gaspin
on your own chunks just to get a breath of air)
Head-on-Collision barf (where you try to swallow that last
refreshment...
only to have it collide with chum on it's way up)
Chain reaction barf (when one person lets loose, causing others to start
blowin chunks as well)
Whodunnit barf (when you discover a fresh carpet pizza and EVERYONE
says:
"It wasn't me man", and YOU have to mop it up)
Buddy barf (when you try to walk a buddy to a place to sleep it
off... and he chunders all over you in gratitude)
Pelican barf (where you chunder into someone else's mouth,
either as an accident or as a joke)
Bed barf (where you chunder in bed, but you're so tired that you just
sleep in it all night, and wake up sticky)
Belch barf (when you think you're just going to rip a good belch, but
you chunder all over the place instead)
Panic barf (when you feel the chunks comming, and you violently
search in total panic to find a receptacle in time)
Cud barf (when you start to puke - but to escape embarrasing yourself
by spewing chunks all over, you swallow your chum, then head for
the john like nothing happened)
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Thu, 7 Nov 1996 22:54:35 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: Love, Lust & Marriage (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
How do you know if you're in love, lust, or marriage?
LOVE when your eyes meet across a crowded room
LUST when your tongues meet across a crowded room
MARRIAGE when your belt won't meet around your waist, and you don't
care
LOVE when intercourse is called making love
LUST all other times
MARRIAGE what's intercourse?
LOVE when you argue over how many children to have
LUST When you argue over who gets the wet spot
MARRIAGE when you argue over money
LOVE when you share everything you own
LUST when you think twice about giving your partner bus money
MARRIAGE when the bank owns everything
LOVE when it doesn't matter if you don't climax
LUST when the relationship is over if you don't climax
MARRIAGE what's a climax?
LOVE when you phone each other just to say "Gidday"
LUST when you phone each other just to organize sex
MARRIAGE when you phone each other to find out what time your son's
game starts
LOVE when you write poems about your partner
LUST when all you write is your phone number
MARRIAGE when all you write are check's
LOVE when you show concern for your partners' feelings
LUST when you couldn't give a shit
MARRIAGE when your only concern is what's on TV
LOVE when your farewell is "I love you darling"
LUST when your farewell is "So, same time next week?"
MARRIAGE when your farewell is silent
LOVE when you are proud to be seen in public with your partner
LUST when you only ever see each other in the bedroom
MARRIAGE when you never see each other awake
LOVE when your heart flutters every time you see them
LUST when your groin twitches every time you see them
MARRIAGE when your wallet empties every time you see them
LOVE when nobody else matters
LUST when nobody else knows
MARRIAGE when everybody else matters and you don't care who knows
LOVE when all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you
feel
LUST when it's just the same mushy old shit
MARRIAGE when you never listen to music
LOVE when breaking up is something you try not to think about
LUST when staying together is something you try not to think
about
MARRIAGE when just getting through today is your only thought
LOVE when you're interested in everything your partner does
LUST when you're only interested in one thing
MARRIAGE when you're not interested in what your partner does and
the one thing you're interested in is your golf score
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Fri, 8 Nov 1996 21:10:01 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: Signs Your Cat is Overweight (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
The Top 16 Signs Your Cat is Overweight
16> Cat door retro-fitted with garage door opener.
15> Confused guests constantly mistaking her for beanbag chair.
14> Always lands on her spleen.
13> Fewer calls to the fire department, but a sudden upsurge in
broken branches.
12> Fifteen month gestation period, and still no kittens.
11> No longer cleans itself unless coated in Cheese Whiz.
10> Anna Nicole Smith fits through your kitty door without the
aid of lubricants.
9> Catfood dish replaced with Rush Limbaugh trough.
8> Luxurious, shiny black fur replaced with mint green
polyester pants suit.
7> It's no longer safe to lift him without a spotter.
6> "Steals breath" from all five quintuplets, simultaneously.
5> Larry King keeps trying to kiss it full on the lips.
4> Waits for the third bowl of food to get finicky.
3> He only catches mice that get trapped in his gravitational pull.
2> Enormous gut keeps your hardwood floors freshly buffed.
and the Number 1 Sign Your Cat is Overweight...
1> Has more chins than lives.
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Fri, 8 Nov 1996 21:46:26 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: Men's Guide to what a woman really means & rebuttal (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
>
> The Men's Guide to what a woman really means when she says something.
>
> You want = You want
>
> We need = I want
>
> It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
>
> Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
>
> We need to talk = I need to complain
>
> Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to.
>
> I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
>
> You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
>
> You're certainly attentive tonight. = Is sex all you ever think about?
>
> I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I'm on my period.
>
> Be romantic, turn out the lights. = I have flabby thighs.
>
> This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
>
> I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
>
> I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white.
>
> Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
>
> I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
>
> Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
>
> How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not
> going to like.
>
> I'll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a
> good game on TV.
>
> Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
>
> You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
>
> Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
>
> Yes = No
>
> No = No
>
> Maybe = No
>
> I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.
>
> Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better
> get used to it.
>
> Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk
> him until he goes to sleep.
>
> I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
>
> All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without
> saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe
> department, I need to look at a few new pocket books, and OMIGOD
> those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you
> bring your checkbook?
>
>
> The Woman's Guide to What a Man is Really Saying...
> - ---------------------------------------------------
>
> "I'm hungry." = I'm hungry.
>
> "I'm sleepy." = I'm sleepy.
>
> "I'm tired." = I'm tired.
>
> "Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex
> with you.
>
> "Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex
> with you.
>
> "Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
>
> "May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
>
> "Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!
>
> "You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you.
>
> "What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal
> out of this.
>
> "What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological
> trauma are you going through now?
>
> "What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
>
> "I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex?
>
> "I love you." = Let's have sex now.
>
> "I love you, too." = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
>
> "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before.
>
> "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = $50 and it doesn't look
> that much different!
>
> "Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a
> deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
>
> "Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have
> sex with other guys.
>
> (while shopping) "I like that one better." = Pick any freakin'
> dress and let's go home!
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Sat, 9 Nov 1996 15:38:05 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: Fart and Shit Jokes (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
A guy goes to a bar, sits down and says "Bartender, give me two drinks
because my wife will get upset if I order more than two drinks." After
he finishes them, the guy repeats what he said before and gets two more
drinks. He does this over and over again until he finally pukes on
himself. "Oh shit", He says, "My wife is going to kill me for drinking
so much." A guy sitting next to him says, "Don't worry, I have an idea-
Put a $20 bill in your shirt pocket, and tell your wife that you were at
a bar, but had only two drinks. Then, the guy next to you puked all
over you. He felt so bad that he gave you $20 for the dry cleaning
bill." The poor fellow took the mans advice. So he walked home. When
he opened up the door, the guys wife was standing in the doorway. "You
had more that two drinks, didn't you!", she yelled. The guy said, "No
honey, I just had two drinks. But the guy next to me had so much to
drink that he puked all over me-- he felt so sorry that he gave me $20
for the dry cleaning bill." He then showed his wife the money. "But
wait", she said, "There's $40 here." The guy looked confused for a
moment and said, "Um, he also shit in my pants."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear the one about the fellow who visited a whore house for
the first time. He told the madam that he didn't know what he wanted
but was willing to have a go at about anything. The madam started
giving him a rundown of their "services" . "We have straight,
missionary style, around the world, 69..." . "Hold it right there"
says the fellow. "I don't know what 69 is, but it sounds ok by me."
The madam takes his money and sends him up to see Big Emma.
He knocks on Big Emma's door and tells her that he's here for some 69.
She opens the door and he is staring right at the biggest, fattest
woman he has ever seen. She has a chili dog in one hand and a half
eaten bean burrito in the other. On the table next to the bed are
several half eaten onions. She is naked except for a ring of dirt
around one of the creases in her neck. She pulls the poor guy by the
hair and drags him to the bed, undresses him, then grabs both ears and
pushes his face down between her legs. Well the fellow gets the hang
of what he is supposed to be doing real quick and is just getting into
it, when Big Emma rolls over on one side and cuts a thirty second
non-stop fart. The guy pulls back, blinks several times, clears his
throat and dives back in. A few seconds later, Emma rolls over on the
other side and cut loose with a fart that would make the Pope turn
Jewish. Fellow backs out again, goes through several seconds of dry
heaves, then dives back in. Several seconds pass, then Emma lets loose
with another killer gas bomb. Guy gets up and starts getting dressed.
"Where ya going honey? We ain't finished yet" Mutters Big Emma.
"Excuse me for sayin' so lady, but to tell you the truth, this 69 shit
is ok. But I don't think I can take 66 more of them things"
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Mon, 11 Nov 1996 05:33:49 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: Big Lies & Other Quotes (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
Subject: Three Lies
1. Software engineering is like looking for a black cat in a dark room.
2. Systems engineering is like looking for a black cat in a dark room in
which there is no cat.
3. Knowledge engineering is like looking for a black cat in a dark room where
there is no cat and someone yells, "I got it!".
3 Biggest Software Lies:
- The program's fully tested and bugfree.
- We're working on the documentation.
- Of course we can modify it.
3 Biggest Computer Room Lies:
- As long as you remember to 'SAVE' your input, you'll never lose any files.
- We run the stuff through as fast as it comes in the door.
- The new machines on order.
3 Biggest Large Company Lies:
- We have an entrepreneurial spirit here.
- People are our greatest resource.
- We say 'let the marketplace decide'.
3 Biggest Small Company Lies:
- We have an entrepreneurial spirit here.
- The boss is just one of the guys.
- Staying small is a conscious decision.
3 Biggest Marketing Lies:
- Immediate delivery?...No problem.
- We treat every customer as if they were our most important.
- We're going out to lunch to talk business.
3 Biggest Engineering Professor's Lies:
- Some day this course will come in handy.
- These tests are more trouble for me than they are for you.
- This is the way they do it in industry.
3 Biggest Executive Lies:
- Money...it's just a score card.
- If it were up to me, there'd be no assigned parking spaces.
- You have to twist my arm to get me to go on a business trip.
3 Biggest Hardware Lies:
- We always design for testablilty.
- It worked fine on the proto board.
- That would be much easier to implement in software.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Subject: Quotes
"Be obscure clearly."
- E.B. White
"I have tried in my time to be a philosopher; but, I don't know how,
cheerfulness was always breaking in."
- Oliver Edwards
"The thing to do is get an opera score and read that. That will bore you to
death."
- Marilyn Horne (opera singer)
"I'm sitting in the smallest room in my house. I have your review in front
of me. Soon it will be behind me."
- Max Roger (composer)
"The more I see of men, the more I like dogs."
- Madame de Stael
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Mon, 23 Sep 1996 19:32:27 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: 3 Various Jokes (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
There was a horse and a rabbit and they lived on a farm. One day
they were playing in the pasture and the horse got bogged down in some
mud. The horse said "Rabbit, help me! Go to the farm house and get the
farmer to help."
The rabbit scampered quickly to across the field to the farm house.
When he got there he knocked on the door, but the farmer was nowhere to be
found. Thinking fast the rabbit grabbed some rope and jumped in the
farmer sports car and drove back out to where the horse was stuck in the
mud. He got out of the car and threw the rope around the horse's neck
and tied the other end of the rope to the bumper of the sports car and
pulled the horse out.
The horse was extremely grateful.
About a week later they where again follicking in the pasture
when this time the rabbit got stuck in the mud. The rabbit yelled to the
horse, "Quick go get the farmer to get me out." The horse thought a
moment and replied "I have an idea. I think I can straddle that mud bog."
So the horse tried to straddle the mud and he could. Then he said "Rabbit,
grab my unit and climb out." The rabbit grabbed his schlong and pulled
himself up out of the mud and was saved.
The morale of the story being- "IF YOUR HUNG LIKE A HORSE AND KNOW
HOW TO USE YOUR TOOLS EFFECTIVELY YOU DON'T NEED A SPORTS CAR."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The poor fool died and went to Hell!
On his first day in the hole the devil asked him " How do you like it here?"
response: " I'm from Phoenix, this dry heat does not bother me".
On the second day the devil turned up the heat and asked " What do you think
of it now?'
response: " I'm from Phoenix, I'm used to this sort of heat, it's just
fine".
on the Third day the devil turned the heat all the way up and asked "What do
you think of it now?"
response: " I'm from Phoenix, I've seen it 120 degrees, this heat does
not bother me".
The devil decided to fix this guy once and for all. He turned the heat OFF
and turned the temp. to a minus twenty (-20) degrees. Where upon he asked
the man with the frost bit cheeks and the ice forming in his hair, "what do
you think of it down here now?"
response: through icy eyes and a puzzled look upon his face "DID THE
CARDINALS WIN A GAME?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game. During
the game the guys notice that the girl knows just as much about the game
as themselves,
and are really impressed.
After the game they ask her "how is it that you know so much about
baseball?"
She says, "Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex change."
The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process. "what was the
most painful part of the process? Was it when they cut off your penis?"
"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."
"Was it when they cut off your balls?"
"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."
"What was the most painful part?"
"The part that hurt the most was when they cut my salary in half!"
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _|| To be added to the list,
/ / \ ------- |_____| || send an e-mail to me at
/ | | | __) dogbyte@goodnet.com
| | | |_____ __) with the words SUBSCRIBE TRASHLAUGHS
| |_|_|_| | \___) in the header or body
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | |
_/ / | | |
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Thu, 26 Sep 1996 18:57:42 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: Top Signs the Peanuts Comic Strip is Getting Old (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
The Top 15 Signs the Peanuts Comic Strip is Getting Old
15> Linus now comforted by *Social* Security Blanket.
14> Introduction of new bird named "Lollapalooza" in
a last-ditch effort to appear hip.
13> The Guiness Book of Records proclaims that Snoopy,
at age 326, is now the world's oldest living canine.
12> Charlie Brown finally gets a valentine --
from Anna Nicole Smith.
11> Snoopy still referred to as a dog, rather than
a Canine-American.
10> Schroder goes on tour opening for John Tesh.
9> Losing one's clothes on the pitcher's mound no
longer considered cute.
8> New CBS special: "You're Incontinent, Charlie Brown!"
7> Charlie Brown breaks hip when dottering Lucy forgets
to pull football away.
6> Forget Beethoven's Fifth -- there's only one kind of
movement that makes Schroeder happy these days.
5> Lucy announces engagement to Larry King.
4> Sign on Lucy's stand reads, "The Doctor is DEAD."
3> Buffalo Bills retire place-kicker Charlie Brown's number.
2> Peppermint Patty comes out of the closet and we learn
why Marcie's been calling her "Sir" all these years.
and the Number 1 Sign the Peanuts Comic Strip is Getting Old...
1> Instead of waiting in awe for the Great Pumpkin, Linus
waits in dread for the Enlarged Prostate.
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _|| To be added to the list,
/ / \ ------- |_____| || send an e-mail to me at
/ | | | __) dogbyte@goodnet.com
| | | |_____ __) with the words SUBSCRIBE TRASHLAUGHS
| |_|_|_| | \___) in the header or body
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | |
_/ / | | |
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Mon, 30 Sep 1996 10:52:48 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: Tips for Surviving College (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
The Top 14 Tips for Surviving College
14> Minimize food budget by scheduling classes around Happy Hour.
13> Enjoy being a Sophomore -- It will be the best three years of
your life.
12> Wear an athletic cup to panty raids, because it's all fun and
games until someone loses their 'nads.
11> Lemon juice and baking soda make an excellent bong water
stain remover.
10> Earn extra cash by parlaying chemistry knowledge into
lucrative "home pharmaceuticals" business.
9> If an 8:00 am class is required for your major, change your
major.
8> Boring lecture? Start a wave!
7> College-level algebra: 5 returnable bottles = 1 delicious
Ramen Noodle dinner.
6> "I Phelta Thi" is *not* a real fraternity, except at state
colleges.
5> Remember - almost no one complains when you puke in a
dumpster.
4> Clever margin manipulation can turn a 4-page outline into
a 100-page senior essay.
3> Football games were never meant to be observed by sober
people.
2> Don't think of it as sleeping with your professor -- think of
it as "acing Biology."
and the Number 1 Tip for Surviving College...
1> In a pinch, milk can be used as a beer substitute in your
breakfast cereal.
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _|| To be added to the list,
/ / \ ------- |_____| || send an e-mail to me at
/ | | | __) dogbyte@goodnet.com
| | | |_____ __) with the words SUBSCRIBE TRASHLAUGHS
| |_|_|_| | \___) in the header or body
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | |
_/ / | | |
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Fri, 4 Oct 1996 08:54:41 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: Jokes: NEW MICROSOFT KEYBOARD! (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
Microsoft--- A NEW PC keyboard designed
Microsoft Corporation has just announced a new PC keyboard designed
specifically for Windows. {{Sources say a Macintosh variant is in the
works.}} In addition to the keys found on the standard keyboard,
Microsoft's
new design adds several new keys which will make your Windows computing even
more fun! The final specs are not yet set, so please feel free to make
suggestions. The keys proposed so far are:
1) GPF key--This key will instantly generate a General Protection
Fault when pressed. Microsoft representatives state that the purpose
of the GPF key is to save Windows users time by eliminating the need to
run an application in order to produce a General Protection Fault.
2) $$ key--When this key is pressed, money is transferred
automatically from your bank account to Microsoft without the need for
further action or third party intervention.
3) ZD key--This key was developed specifically for reviewers of
Microsoft products. When pressed it inserts random superlative
adjectives in any text which contains the words Microsoft or Windows
within the file being edited.
4) MS key--This key runs a Microsoft commercial entitled "Computing
for Mindless Drones" in a 1" x 1" window.
5) FUD key--Some thing to do with the Display.......Self explanatory.
6) Chicago key--Generates do nothing loops for months at a time.
7) IBM key --Searches your hard disk for operating systems or
applications by vendors other than Microsoft and deletes them.
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _|| To be added to the list,
/ / \ ------- |_____| || send an e-mail to me at
/ | | | __) dogbyte@goodnet.com
| | | |_____ __) with the words SUBSCRIBE TRASHLAUGHS
| |_|_|_| | \___) in the header or body
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | |
_/ / | | |
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Fri, 11 Oct 1996 12:43:01 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
Subject: The Number of the Beast
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
The real name of "the" Bill Gates is William Henry Gates III.
Nowadays he is known as Bill Gates (III), where "III" means
the order of third (3rd.)
By converting the letters of his current name to the ASCII-
values and adding his (III), you get the following:
B 66
I 73
L 76
L 76
G 71
A 65
T 84
E 69
S 83
+ 3
--------------
666
Some might ask, "How did Bill Gates get so powerful?"
Coincidence? Or just the beginning of mankind's ultimate
and total enslavement?
YOU decide!
Before you decide, consider the following:
M S - D O S 6 . 2 1
77 + 83 + 45 + 68 + 79 + 83 + 32 + 54 + 46 + 50 + 49 = 666
W I N D O W S 9 5
87 + 73 + 78 + 68 + 79 + 87 + 83 + 57 + 53 + 1 = 666
Coincidence? We think not
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Subject: The Creation (fwd)
THE CREATION:
In the beginning there was the computer. And God said
%>Let there be light!
#Enter user id.
God
#Enter password.
%>Omniscient
#Password incorrect. Try again.
%>Omnipotent
#Password incorrect. Try again.
%>Technocrat
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
%>Let there be light!
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
%>Create light
#Done
%>Run heaven and earth
#And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
%>Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
%>Create firmament
#Done.
%>Run firmament
#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
%>Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let
the dry land appear and
#Too many characters in specification string. Try again.
%>Create dry_land
#Done.
%>Run firmament
#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
%>Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night
#Unspecified type. Try again.
%>Create sun_moon_stars
#Done
%>Run sun_moon_stars
#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
%>Create fish
#Done
%>Create fowl
#Done
%>Run fish, fowl
#And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that
creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged =
fowl after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.
%>Create cattle
#Done
%>Create creepy_things
#Done
%>Now let us make man in our image
#Unspecified type. Try again.
%>Create man
#Done
%>Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have
dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over
every living thing that creepeth upon the earth
#Too many command operands. Try again.
%>Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 6 errors.
%>Insert breath
#Done
%>Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 5 errors.
%>Move man to Garden of Eden
#File Garden of Eden does not exist.
%>Create Garden.edn
#Done
%>Move man to Garden.edn
#Done
%>Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 4 errors.
%>Copy woman from man
#Done
%>Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 2 errors.
%>Create desire
#Done
%>Run multiplication
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
%>Create freewill
#Done
%>Run freewill
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
%>Undo desire
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
%>Destroy freewill
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
%>Help
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
%>Create tree_of_knowledge
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
%>Create good, evil
#Done
%>Activate evil
#And God saw he had created shame.
#Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in Garden.edn. 1
errors.
%>Scan Garden.edn for man, woman
#Search failed.
%>Delete shame
#Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.
%>Destroy freewill
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
%>Stop
#Unrecognizable command. Try again
%>Break
%>Break
%>Break
#ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR
REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF.
%>Create new world
#You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old files
before new ones can be created.
%>Destroy earth
#Destroy earth: Please confirm.
%>Destroy earth confirmed
#COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY, MARCH 8 AT
6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.
#And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _|| To be added to the list,
/ / \ ------- |_____| || send an e-mail to me at
/ | | | __) dogbyte@goodnet.com
| | | |_____ __) with the words SUBSCRIBE TRASHLAUGHS
| |_|_|_| | \___) in the header or body
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | |
_/ / | | |
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Fri, 11 Oct 1996 21:46:28 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: Fishing for Virgins *OR* Reel Italians... (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
One day, this woman went to a bait shop to get her husband a fishing
reel for his birthday. After selecting one, she inquired as to its
cost. The owner replied, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but I'm blind and cannot see
what reel you have. If you drop it on the floor, I'll recognize it and
be of more help."
So she did just that. After hearing it hit the floor, the owner said,
"That's the Johnson Model 9400. It'll be $40.00." The woman decided to
take it so she went to pick it up off the floor. Upon bending over, she
broke wind. The owner rang up the sale and said, "That'll be
fifty dollars."
"Fifty dollars!" the woman exclaimed. "You just told me forty dollars."
"Yes, I did", said the owner, "But that was for the reel. The duck
call is another $7.50 and the stink bait is $2.50."
-------------------
Maria just got married, and being a traditional Italian, she was still
a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house,
she was quite nervous, but her mother reassured her, "Don't worry,
Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you."
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony takes off his shirt, and
exposes his hairy chest. Maria runs downstairs to her mother and
says, "Mama! Mama! Tony's got a big hairy chest".
"Don't worry, Maria," says the mother, "all good men have hairy chests.
Go upstairs, he'll take care of you". So, up she went. When she gets up
into the bedroom, Tony takes off his trousers, showing his hairy legs.
Again Maria runs down the stairs to her mother. "Mama! Mama! Tony
took off his trousers, and he's got hairy legs". "Don't worry. All good
men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man - go upstairs and he'll take
care of you.". So, up she went. When she was up there, Tony takes
off his socks, and on his left foot he's missing three toes.
When Maria sees this, she runs downstairs, "Mama! Mama! Tony's got a
foot and a half!".
"Stay here", says the mother, "This is a job for mama!".
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _|| To be added to the list,
/ / \ ------- |_____| || send an e-mail to me at
/ | | | __) dogbyte@goodnet.com
| | | |_____ __) with the words SUBSCRIBE TRASHLAUGHS
| |_|_|_| | \___) in the header or body
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | |
_/ / | | |
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Tue, 15 Oct 1996 08:58:52 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: Pack your bags (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
A man woke up one morning to find his wife packing her bags. Where the
heck
are you going?" demanded the husband. The wife replied, "You know all
this
free sex I've been giving you all these years? Well I just found out I can
get $200 a shot for it out in Las Vegas."
With that the husband jumped out of bed and began packing HIS bags.
"Where
do you think you're going?" demanded the wife.
" I want to see how you can live on $400 a year!"
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _|| To be added to the list,
/ / \ ------- |_____| || send an e-mail to me at
/ | | | __) dogbyte@goodnet.com
| | | |_____ __) with the words SUBSCRIBE TRASHLAUGHS
| |_|_|_| | \___) in the header or body
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | |
_/ / | | |
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Wed, 16 Oct 1996 15:41:52 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: Introducing: New Product to Replace E-Mail! (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
Product Announcement:
Introducing FeMail!
This new product will reduce your communications needs considerably.
Its intuitive interactions will often leave you scratching your head in
wonder. From your minimal communications with this package, it will
quickly presume who your friends are (and even what their habits are),
who you should be communicating with in order to advance your career,
and let you know continually whether you are communicating effectively
with the FeMail itself.
You may find that FeMail reduces your unecessary communications with
friends and associates. Your FeMail will intercept incoming
communications from all sources and make a determination as to
whether or not they should be relayed to you. The FeMail is especially
thorough when examining messages from other FeMail systems. These
messages will be examined for intent as well as content.
Messages that are received from other Mails will be scanned for
intention by your FeMail. Any messages that will reduce your
productivity at home or at the office (invitations to bars or parties, where
the FeMail may lose contact with you for more than two hours for
example) will be delivered to you only after they can no longer be acted
upon. A true productivity increase is then possible, and your FeMail will
even help your decide how to use this spare time to attend to
maintenance issues.
In fact, you may find that the FeMail methods are far beyond your
comprehension. Often times the FeMail responses you receive will be
180 degrees different than the direction you thought you were heading.
In every case though, you will be compelled to agree with the decisions
that your FeMail makes. Most areas were a FeMail is installed find that
agreeing with the FeMail is easier than attempting to justify opposing
logic.
The FeMail package includes modules for Cognitive Interpretation,
Intuition, Presumptions, Innuendos (even some you may not realize),
Inflection, and Encryption. (The encryption package is particularly
effective, allowing other mails absolutely no chance of interpreting
interchanges between two FeMails).
You will find yourself becoming dependent on the interactions that a
FeMail makes possible. Once the FeMail begins working in your daily
activities, you may find yourself changing certain actions to avoid
conflicting with the FeMail suggestions.
The FeMail is extremely comprehensive, and provides only for a single
user interface in most cases. The instructions included with your FeMail
indicates that it may interact openly with other Mails in a conversational
mode, but that you should never interact with someone elses FeMail,
even in a conversational mode, and most certainly not in an interactive
mode. The FeMail communications links have demonstrated an ability to
intuit these actions even if you believe your FeMail would be unaware of
the interaction. Continued interaction with FeMails that are not your own
will be considered a security violation, and you may find yourself cut off
from interaction with your own FeMail.
Because of the complexity and high-level of interface required, there are
certain times (based roughly on a lunar month) when your FeMail system
may behave erratically. During this particular cycle, your interactions
with the FeMail should be monitored closely, and offensive or interpretive
language removed. The FeMail may misinterpret even simple
communications efforts during this short time. This is an unavoidable
problem that the FeMail has endured since its inception, and we are still
attempting to overcome this minor glitch.
Should a misinterpretation occur, your FeMail will store the data
indefinitely, and only recall the misinterpretation when it can loosely
associate it with other facts not necessarily related to the
communications process. You will find these recollections and
associations puzzling, but they all contribute to the operation of the
FeMail system.
Obtain Femail today, and you will be surprised at the changes it will make
in your life!!!!
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _|| To be added to the list,
/ / \ ------- |_____| || send an e-mail to me at
/ | | | __) dogbyte@goodnet.com
| | | |_____ __) with the words SUBSCRIBE TRASHLAUGHS
| |_|_|_| | \___) in the header or body
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | |
_/ / | | |
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Sun, 20 Oct 1996 13:25:56 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: Pickup Line Comebacks & Bumper Stickers We'd Like to See (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
<<<>>>
I know how to please a woman.
Then please leave me alone.
I want to give myself to you.
Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.
Your hair color is fabulous.
Thank you. It's on aisle three at the corner drug store.
You look like a dream.
Go back to sleep.
I can tell that you want me.
Yes, I want you to leave.
I'd go through anything for you.
Let's start with your bank account.
May I have the last dance?
You've just had it.
Your place or mine?
Both. You go to your place, and I'll go to mine.
Is this seat empty?
Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.
What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?
What's it like being the biggest liar in the world?
Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
<<>>
I love animals--they taste great.
EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
He who laughs last thinks slowest!
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
We have enough youth--how about a fountain of SMART?
All generalizations are false, including this one.
I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
If you are psychic--think "HONK."
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _|| To be added to the list,
/ / \ ------- |_____| || send an e-mail to me at
/ | | | __) dogbyte@goodnet.com
| | | |_____ __) with the word SUBSCRIBE
| |_|_|_| | \___) in the header.
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | |
_/ / | | |
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Sun, 20 Oct 1996 13:54:05 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: Marriage Quotables (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must
be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. - David Bissonette
I've sometimes thought of marrying, and then I've thought again. -
Noel Coward, 1956
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him
keep her. - Sacha Guitry
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in
Europe-Jackie Mason
Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get
in, and those inside desperate to get out. - Montaigne
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just
can't face each other, but still they stay together. -- Hemant Joshi
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and
suffering.
Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second
marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when
they try to decide which one.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage,
the 'Y' becomes silent.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every
word you say, talk in your sleep.
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _|| To be added to the list,
/ / \ ------- |_____| || send an e-mail to me at
/ | | | __) dogbyte@goodnet.com
| | | |_____ __) with the words SUBSCRIBE TRASHLAUGHS
| |_|_|_| | \___) in the header or body
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | |
_/ / | | |
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Thu, 31 Oct 1996 20:34:09 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: Types of Boyfriends (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
TYPES OF BOYFRIENDS
---------------------
1) Joe Sensitive - "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?"
Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-
boiled Egg, Snugglepup
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy
2) Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell.
Let's stay home and watch TV."
Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey,
Slow Mover. Jerk
Advantages: Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass
3) Flinchy - "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did."
Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle
4) Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."
Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk,
Big 'n' Dumb
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig
5) Lazybones - "Zzzzzz"
Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket,
Drug Addict
Advantages: Well rested; easy target
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfil your dreams
6) The Sneak - "Who, me?"
Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages: May be having time of his life
7) Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes let's make love like
crazed weasels, OK?"
Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
Advantages: Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused
8) The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't
know how, but--"
Also known as: Struggling artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of
Wind, Fool
Advantages: Tells good stories
Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"
9) Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love
like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?"
Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _|| To be added to the list,
/ / \ ------- |_____| || send an e-mail to me at
/ | | | __) dogbyte@goodnet.com
| | | |_____ __) with the words SUBSCRIBE TRASHLAUGHS
| |_|_|_| | \___) in the header or body
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | |
_/ / | | |
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Sun, 3 Nov 1996 15:39:56 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: Funny WWW stuff (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
By hooking into the World Wide Web, you can look at a variety of
electronic "pages," consisting of documents, pictures, and videos created
by people all over the world. One of these is a guy named (really) George
Goble, a computer person in the Purdue University engineering department.
Each year, Goble and a bunch of other engineers hold a picnic in West
Lafayette, Indiana, at which they cook hamburgers on a big grill. Being
engineers, they began looking for practical ways to speed up the
charcoal-lighting process.
"We started by blowing the charcoal with a hair dryer," Goble told me in
a telephone interview. "Then we figured out that it would light faster if
we used a vacuum cleaner."
If you know anything about (1) engineers and (2) guys in general, you
know what happened: The purpose of the charcoal-lighting shifted from
cooking hamburgers to seeing how fast they could light the charcoal.
From the vacuum cleaner, they escalated to using a propane torch, then
anacetylene torch. Then Goble started using compressed pure oxygen, which
caused the charcoal to burn much faster, because as you recall from
chemistry class, fire is essentially the rapid combination of oxygen with
the cosine to form the Tigris and Euphrates rivers (or something along
those lines).
By this point, Goble was getting pretty good times. But in the world of
competitive charcoal-lighting, "pretty good" does not cut the mustard.
Thus, Goble hit upon the idea of using - get ready - liquid oxygen. This
is the form of oxygen used in rocket engines; it's 295 degrees below zero
and 600 times as dense as regular oxygen. In terms of releasing energy,
pouring liquid oxygen on charcoal is the equivalent of throwing a live
squirrel into a room containing 50 million Labrador retrievers. On
Gobel's World Wide Web page (the address is http://ghg.ecn.purdue.edu/),
you can see actual photographs and a video of Goble using a bucket
attached to a 10-foot-long wooden handle to dump 3 gallons of liquid oxygen
(not sold in stores) onto a grill containing 60 pounds of charcoal and a lit
cigarette for ignition. What follows is the most impressive
charcoal-lighting I have ever seen, featuring a large fireball that,
according to Goble, reached 10,000 degrees Fahrenheit. The charcoal was
ready for cooking in - this has to be a world record - 3 seconds.
http://ghg.ecn.purdue.edu/
There's also a photo of what happened when Goble used the same technique
on a flimsy $2.88 discount-store grill. All that's left is a circle of
charcoal with a few shreds of metal in it. "Basically, the grill
vaporized," said Goble. "We were thinking of returning it to the store
for a refund."
Looking at Goble's video and photos, I became, as an American, all choked
up with gratitude at the fact that I do not live anywhere near the
engineers' picnic site. But also, I was proud of my country for
producing guys who can be ready to barbecue in less time than it takes for
guys in less-advanced nations, such as France, to spit.
Will the 3-second barrier ever be broken? Will engineers come up with a
new, more powerful charcoal-lighting technology? It's something for all
of us to ponder this summer as we sit outside, chewing our hamburgers,
every now and then glancing in the direction of West Lafayette, Indiana,
looking for a mushroom cloud.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Subject: Scary but it's true
Matsushita Electric is promoting a new Japanese PC targeted at
the Internet. Panasonic has developed a complete Japanese Web browser,
and to make the system "user-friendly", licensed the cartoon character
"Woody Woodpecker" as the "Internet guide." Panasonic eventually
planned on a world version of the product.
A huge marketing campaign was to have introduced the product
in Japan last week. The day before the ads were to be released,
Panasonic suddenly pulled back and delayed the product launch
indefinately.
The reason: the ads featured the slogan "Touch Woody - The
Internet Pecker." An American staff member at the internal product
launch explained to the stunned and embarrassed Japanese what "touch
woody" and "pecker" meant in American slang.
-From EE Times, October 8, 1996
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Sun, 10 Nov 1996 15:36:27 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: Hick Jokes (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
Q: What has 99 legs & 49 teeth?
A: The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.
Q. How can we tell that the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia?
A. Had it been invented elsewhere, it would have been called a "teethbrush."
Q: What is the definition of a hillbilly virgin?
A: An ugly twelve year old who can outrun her brothers.
Q: What's the difference between trash and white trash?
A: Absolutely nothing. They both drive around in dump
trucks, smell like shit, and get more and more rotten
each day.
-------------------------------------------------------
There were this guy from Arkansas named
Jethro walking down the road one day
till he noticed his friend across the road carrying a bag.
Jethro: "Hey Billy Joe what you got in that bag?"
Billy Joe: "In this bag here I got me chickens."
Jethro: "Chickens! I sure would like chickens. I bet you
if I guess how many chickens you got in that thar
bag you give me one..."
Billy Joe: "Sheeeeiiit Jethro if you guess how many
chickens I got in this bag I'll give you *BOTH* of them"
Jethro: "uhhh...5?"
Billy Joe: "Nope!"
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
From dogbyte@bambam.swlink.net Tue Nov 12 11:53:32 1996
Date: Tue, 12 Nov 1996 11:47:58 -0700 (MST)
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: The Tyson Chicken Account (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
A guy from Tyson Foods arranges to visit the Pope. After receiving the
papal blessing he whispers, "Your Eminence, do we have a deal for you.
If you change The Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily
bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken....' we will
donate $500 million dollars to the Church".
The Pope responds saying, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word
of the Lord and it must not be changed".
"Well," says the Tyson man, "we are prepared to donate $1 billion to the
Church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily
bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken...."
Again the Pope replies "That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of
the Lord and it must not be changed".
Finally, the Tyson guy says, "This is our last offer. We will donate
$5 billion to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us
this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily
chicken....'" and he leaves.
Next day the Pope meets with the College of Cardinals to say that he
has good news and bad news.
"The good news is that the Church has come into $5 billion".
"The bad news is that we are losing The Wonderbread Account".
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Tue, 12 Nov 1996 22:33:17 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: Miller Brewing Company (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
It's a long one, but amusing.
---------------------------------------
Miller Brewing Company
Milwaukee, Wisconsin 53201
Dear Sir or Madam,
I have been a drinker of Miller beer's for many years (actually, ever
since that other company donated a big chunk of change to Handgun
Control Inc. back in the mid 80's).
Initially, my beer of choice was Lite, but some time in mid 1990 while
in Honduras I switched to MGD smuggled up from Panama. Now, for nearly
six years, I have been a faithful drinker of MGD.
For these past years, I have come to expect certain things from
Genuine Draft. I expect that whenever I see that gold can of MGD, I am
about ready to enjoy a great, smooth brew.
But wait! Sometime around the first of the year, my beloved MGD
changed colors, so to speak. That familiar gold can was no longer gold!
Knowing that I am, by nature, somewhat resistant to change, I forced
myself to reserve judgment on the new can design.
Gradually, I grew to appreciate the new label.
That was until about May of this year. That was when I discovered
(empirically) that I really didn't like the new design. Further
investigation of the cause of my distress resulted in the following
observations:
1. Your cans are made of aluminum.
2. Aluminum is a great conductor of energy.
3. Your beer is commonly consumed outside, and thus, the container may
be exposed to sunlight.
4. Sunlight striking the can causes radiant warming of the surface of
the can.
5. The resultant heat (energy) is transferred through the aluminum, by
conduction, to the contents of the can (the beer).
6. Warm beer sucks.
This is a process that can be observed in just about any beer.
However, this process is significantly accelerated in MGD because you
painted the damn can black!!!
Who was the rocket scientist that designed the new graphic for the can
and implemented the change right before summer? Granted, this process
may not be real evident up there in Wisconsin, but down here in
Oklahoma (OR TEXAS) where the summers are both sunny and hot, this
effect is quite a problem. There's no telling what the folks in Texas
and Arizona are having to put up with.
Knowing that you would probably not address this issue unless you had
firm evidence of a problem, I and several other subjects conducted
extensive experimentation. The results of these experiments are
listed below.
The experiments were conducted over two days on the deck next to my
pool. The study included seven different types of beer (leftovers from
a party the previous weekend) that were initially chilled to 38 (and
then left exposed to sunlight for different lengths of time. These
beers were sampled by the test subjects at different intervals. The
subjects, all normally MGD drinkers, were asked at each sampling
interval their impressions of the different beers.
The length of time between the initial exposure to sunlight and the
point where the subject determined the sample undrinkable (the
Suckpoint) was determined. The average ambient temperature for the
trials was 95 degrees F.
Beer Type Average Suckpoint (min)
Miller Lite (white can) 6.2
Bud (white can) 5.5
Bud Lite (silver can) 5.2
Ice House (blue and silver can) 4.4
Coors Lite (silver can) 4.1
Miller Genuine Draft (black can) 2.8
Coors (gold can) 0.1
It was evident that the color of the can directly correlates to the
average suckpoint, except for Coors which was pretty much determined
to suck at any point.
It is to be hoped that you will consider redesigning your MGD cans.
All beer drinkers that are not smart enough to keep their beer in the
shade will thank you.
Sincerely,
Bradley Lee
Beer-drinker
Dear Bradley Lee,
Thank you for your letter and your concern about the MGD can color as
it relates to premature warming of the contents. Like you, we at
Miller Beer take beer drinking very seriously. To that end, we have
taken your letter and subsequent experiment under serious
consideration. Outlined below are our findings and solution to your
problem. May we add that we have had similar letters from other loyal
beer drinkers, mostly from the Southern United States.
First, let us congratulate you on your findings. Our analysis tends
to agree with yours regarding Coors. It certainly does suck at about
any temperature.
Now, it was our intentions when redesigning the MGD can to create
better brand identity and brand loyalty. Someone in marketing did
some kind of research and determined we needed to redesign the can.
You will be pleased to know, we have fired that idiot and he is now
reeking havoc at a pro-gun control beer manufacturer. The design
staffer working in cahoots with the marketing idiot was also
down-sized.
However, once we realized this mistake, to undo it would have been
even a bigger mistake. So, we took some other actions. From our
market research, we found a difference between Northern beer drinker
and Southern beer drinkers.
Beer drinkers in the South tend to drink slower than beer drinkers in
the North. We are still researching why that is. Anyway, at Miller
Beer, it was never our intentions to have someone take more than 2.5
minutes to enjoy one of our beers. We pride ourselves in creating
fine, smooth, quick drinking beers and leave the making of sissy, slow
sipping beers to that Sam guy in Boston.
However, it is good to know that you feel our Miller Lite can last as
long as 6 minutes. However, may we suggest in the future you try
consuming at least two in that time frame.
From your letter, we had our design staff work 'round the clock to
come up with a solution that would help not just MGD but all our fine
Miller products. We hope you have recently noticed our solution to
your problem. We found that the hole in the top of the can was not
big enough for quick consumption. So, we have now introduced the new
"Wide Mouth" cans. We hope this will solve all your problems. Might
I also suggest that if you want to get the beer out of the can even
faster, you can poke a hole on the side near the bottom, hold your
finger over it, open the can, tip it to your mouth and then pull your
finger off the hole. This is a common way to drink beer at parties and
impress your friends. This technique is known as "shot-gunning". You
should like the name.
Again, thank you for your letter and bring to our attention that there
might be other beer drinkers taking more that 2.5 minutes to drink our
beers. Let me assure you that I am have our advertising department
work on campaign to solve this problem, too.
Sincerely,
Miller Brewing Company
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Wed, 13 Nov 1996 23:53:05 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: The Mathematics Of Relationships (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
Sex is like math...
Add the bed
Subtract the clothes
Divide the legs, and
Multiply !
The Relationship:
They integrated from the very point of origin. Her curves were continuous,
and even though he was odd, he was a real number. They both wanted to
get skewed. The day their lines first intersected, they became an
ordered pair. From then on it was a continuous function. They were both
in their prime, so in next to no time they were horizontal and parallel.
She was awed by the magnitude of his perpendicular line, and he was amazed
by her conical projections. "bisect my angle!" she postulated each time
she reached her local maximum. He taught her the chain rule as she
implicitly defined the amplitude of his simple harmonic motion. They
underwent multiple rotations of their axes, until at last they reached the
vertex, the critical point, their finite limit. After that they slept like
logs. Later she found him taking a right-handed limit, that was a
problem, it was improper form. He meanwhile had realized that she was
irrational, not to mention square. They diverged.
She's currently reaching the limit in a relationship that is somewhat
undefined. He is currently unable to afford dating because he cosined
a loan for his son, Ray.
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Sat, 16 Nov 1996 01:08:29 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: WHY BEER IS BETTER THAN JESUS -&- The College of Logic (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
WHY BEER IS BETTER THAN JESUS
10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer
9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.
8. Beer has never caused a major war.
7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for
themselves.
6. When you have Beer, you don't knock on people's doors
trying to give away pamphlets.
5. Nobody has ever been burned at the stake, hanged or
tortured over their brand of Beer.
4. You don't have to wait more than 2000 years for a second
Beer.
3. There are laws saying that Beer labels can't lie to you.
2. You can prove you have a Beer.
1. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to
help you stop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Subject: The College of Logic
Two guys, Joe and Steve, are driving down the road and they see a sign that
says, "College of Logic - Next Exit". They decide to check it out, so they
exit, drive to the campus, and Joe tracks down a professer while Steve
waits in the car.
"So what's this place all about", Joe asks.
The professor says, "I can answer your question with a question. Do you
have a lawnmover?"
"Well, yeah", says Joe, looking perplexed.
Prof: "So, I can safely assume you have a yard."
Joe: "Sure. I have a yard."
Prof: "And that means you have a home, right?"
Joe: "Yeah."
Prof: "So you probably have a family."
Joe: "Well, that's right. I have a wife & two kids"
Prof: "So that means your heterosexual, right?
Joe: "Yes. It does. I think I understand now. Thanks a lot"
The Professor says "My pleasure" and Joe heads back to the car, and gets in.
"So what's this place all about?" asks Steve.
"I can answer that question with a question", says Joe. "Do you own a
lawnmover?"
Steve tenatively answers, "Well...No."
"HOMO!!!"
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Sat, 16 Nov 1996 14:52:12 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: Baked Beans [CLASSIC] (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked
beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat
lively reaction on him.
One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they
would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the
marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice
and gave up beans.
Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since
they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be
late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and
the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any
ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before
leaving had 3 extra large helpings ofbaked beans. All the way home he
putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed,
"Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"
She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the
table and made him promise not to peak.
At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his
wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made
him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the
phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his
weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten
egg. He had
a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.
He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his
leg and RRIIIPPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled
worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the
smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon
winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute
later the flowers
on the table were dead.
While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and
keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the
next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he
heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded
his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of
innocence when his wife
walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner
table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and
yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the
table for his surprise birthday party.
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Sun, 17 Nov 1996 09:29:20 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: Accountants vs. Engineers (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference.
At the station, the three accountants each buy a ticket and watch as the
three engineers only buy one ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer.
They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but
all three engineers cram into a rest room and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting
tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Tickets, please!" The
door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on.
The accountants see this and agree it is a clever idea. So after the
conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip
and save some money.
When they get to the station, they buy one ticket for the return trip. To
their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer.
When they board the train all three accountants cram into a restroom and
the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over
to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door
and says, "Tickets, please!"
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Wed, 20 Nov 1996 00:26:03 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: Top 12 New Texaco Slogans (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
The Top 12 New Texaco Slogans
12> "Free Unprovoked Racial Slur With Every Tank of Gas"
11> "Black Gold for White Folks"
10> "We're Putting the 'Crude' Back in the Oil Business"
9> "Give Your Car a Schott in the Arm"
8> "Texaco Gas: Impurity-Free, if you know what we mean"
7> "Bust a Move to Texaco, G -- and Get Some of Our
Phat, Funky Gas!"
6> "We got rid of them, OK? We're a whole new bunch of
guys now, and besides, you forgave Denny's!" "
5> "You Can Trust Your Car to The Man"
4> "Hey, At Least We Didn't Destroy Any Alaskan Coastline."
3> "Oh yeah, right, like *you've* never said it."
2> "Do people really harbor racist attitudes in American
corporate culture? People do."
and the Number 1 New Texaco Slogan...
1> "If You Only *Knew* The Shit They Say Over At Exxon"
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Wed, 20 Nov 1996 00:34:10 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: 101 Things To Do With Your Dead Cat! (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
_________________________________________________
_________________
101 Things To Do With Your Dead Cat!
_________________
_________________________________________________
1. Give it as a gift.
2. Compost it for fertile garden soil.
3. Hang it by it's tail for a Christmas tree ordament.
4. Teach it how to swim.
5. Get rid of those pillows and have a real [Dead] Cat fight!
6. Paint a circle on your Dead Cat for an instant bull's-eye.
7. Forget your toilette paper on a hiking trip? It is a good think
you brought you Dead Cat!
8. Give your puppy a new chewing toy.
9. Place it in your aquarium for an interesting effect.
10. Enhance your hallowe'en costume.
11. Add a Dead Cat tale extention for a fashionable purse.
12. Tie it to a stick for a dust mop.
13. Use its head for a baseball.
14. Replace the feather on your office pen with you Dead Cat's tail.
15. Place it in the toliette to insure your man-friend returns the lid
to it's proper position.
16. Attach a small rod between its paws for a new toilette paper
dispenser.
17. Drill holes in its back for a tooth brush holder.
18. Test the colour of your new hair dye.
19. Claim it as an additional exemption on your taxes.
20. Scratch those unreachable iches.
21. Hide spare keys in your Dead Cat's mouth.
22. Insert two bulbs in the eyes for your child's night light.
23. Blenderize your Dead Cat to package fragile parcels.
24. Replace your broken record player needles with your Dead Cat's
claws.
25. Wind a string around your Dead Cat for a new yo-yo.
26. Forget matresses! Stash your big bucks in the tummy of your Dead
Cat.
27. Use it as a penny bank.
28. Dip it in water to moisten stamps.
29. Fill it with water, place it in the freezer overnight, and take it
to work in your cooler.
30. Suprise a few neighbors when you propel your Dead Cat via sling
shot into their yard.
31. Sow seeds in its fur for your very own Dead Cat Chea-like Pet.
32. Teach it to play dead.
33. Use it as a cover for your wood golf clubs.
34. Remove unwanted grass clippings from your golf shoes.
35. Use it as an excuse to get out of a date. "I can't, I have to wash
my Dead Cat."
36. Hang it from your rear view mirror.
37. Attach it to the pendulum of your grand father clock.
38. Cook it with your marshmallows over an open fire.
39. Apply high voltages of electricity to see if its eyes pop out.
40. Throw it in the laundry as a dryer sheet.
41. Use it as a wind sock.
42. Use it to prop your gun during target practice.
43. Tie it and its siblings behind your car after your wedding.
44. Wear it on your head during sporting events.
45. Use your Dead Cat for a door mat.
46. Save money on expensive art brushes, use your Dead Cat's tail.
47. To Hell with that old lumpy feather pillow, use your Dead Cat
instead!
48. Use it as a centerpiece for a family dinner.(Audette and friends)
49. Put dynamite in the stomach and blow it to smithereens.(Audette
and friends)
50. Bring it to the mall and try and sell it to people.(Audette and
friends)
51. Put holes in it and use it as a musical instrument.(Audette and
friends)
52. Use it as a murder weapon. "The cat did it!"(Audette and friends)
53. Nail it to the front of the door to scare away burglars.(Audette
and friends)
54. Give it as a gift to your spouse on your anniversary. Dead Cats
are a girl's best friend (or boy's).(Audette and friends)
55. Use as a trace pattern in the local kindergarten.(Audette and
friends)
56. Skin it and use it as a shower cap.(Audette and friends)
57. Cut the tail and use it as a scrunchie. (hair elastic)(Audette and
friends)
58. Give it as a Valentines Day gift.(Audette and friends)
59. Bring it as your date to the next school dance.(Audette and
friends)
60. Give it an electric shock and see if it comes back to
life.(Audette and friends)
61. Start a McDonald's franchise.(Audette and friends)
62. Use it as a doorstop.(Audette and friends)
63. Make your own original Dead cat Jewelry from its teeth, and sell
it to unsuspecting tourists.(Audette and friends)
64. Dye the Dead Cat neon, tie a string around it's neck, and wear it
as a necklace when going out at night. (Sonja)
65. Use its tail for dental-floss. (from Aeza Zel)
66. Be the envy off the office, place an automatic pencil sharpener
inside your Dead Cat's mouth to sharpen your pencils with ease.
(Fubar)
67. Whack your stupid dog with them as a training aid.(Miles)
68. Freeze them. When you have a ton, send them (prepaid) to
Roadkills-R-Us. Your payment will be sent within 10 business
days.(Miles)
69. Stuff it with cheese, Hatch green chilies, and spices, for that
authentic, dirt-poor, Mexican border town Christmas dinner
experience. Then take your savings to a border town and buy
someone a nice meal.(Miles)
70. With motion sensors, some short bungees tied to the roof, rat
traps as launchers, and screaming cat sound effects, Dead Cats are
72% more effective at scaring off intruders than live dogs, guns,
or Barry Manilow music.(Miles)
71. Consider that a well and properly starched dead cat can be used as
a handy coat or sweater hanger (and they don't leave those ugly
stretched places in the shoulders of your garments).(Marty and
Chris Kolia)
72. After 20 min.s on air fluff in your dryer, can be used as an
attractive (and warm) scarf.(Martin and Chris Kolia)
73. With a little mousse and combing, can serve as an almost
undetectible toupee (superior to custom models costing much more).
(Marty and Chris Kolia)
74. Spray it white and use it as a wiffle ball.(Martin and Chris
Kolia)
75. With a custom wire adapter, can be used as a replacement for
conventional paint rollers. (works best on rough stucco surfaces)
(Martin and Chirs Kolia).
76. Skin it and wear the skin on your head as a decoy for your cat
hunting sprees, or if you have a death wish wear it at my house
when my sister is around.(Steve Hammill)
77. Next time you get stranded on a desert island without any clothes
you could wear it as a loin cloth.(Steve Hammill)
78. Dead Cats make great footballs.(Dean Young)
79. Volleyball with your dead cat.(Dean Young)
80. Place your dead cat on the road, for drivers ed training.(Dean
Young)
81. Drop it to see if it can still land on its feet.(Dean Young)
82. See if your dead cat hateswater even then its dead.(Dean Young)
83. Spray with non-static spray and dust your computer screens with
them.(Stephen Estes)
84. Put a mouse inside it and play cat-and-mouse on your
computer.(Stephen Estes)
85. Buy three and make tails into steering wheel covers.(Stephen
Estes)
86. Shut trunk lid on tail and leave the rest of the cat hanging off
of the car(Stephen Estes)
87. Put a vibrator/massager in it(Stephen Estes)
88. Use it as a sponge in the shower.(Christopher H)
89. Wrap up its head and put it in your mom's freezer until you get a
chance to take it to the taxidermist.(John Allgaier)
90. Use your dead cat to wipe your but! It is very comfortable and it
is reuseable. Just put it in the washing machine. Its claws will
scratch you when your ithchy!(Scott Marquardt)
91. Cut it into little tiny pieces and glue them to someone you don't
like when he/she falls asleep in class.(Anne R. Kay)
92. Bring one in your lunch and trade it to your friends for junk food
or a baloney sandwich.(Anne R. Kay)
93. Bury it in the back yard and let your kids play paleointologist.
(Anne R. Kay)
94. Tape a video camera to its back and throw it off tall buildings,
then watch the tapes for a cheap thrill.(Anne R. Kay)
95. Hide it in the walls of your house for the next occupant to
find.(Anne R. Kay)
96. Fill your dead cat with rocks and sink it in the public pool.
Tease the lifeguard.(Anne R. Kay)
97. Paint it purple, tie it to your forehead with barbed wire, and see
how long it takes people to notice that its there.(Anne R. Kay)
98. use the cat in place of an office desk writting utincile holder
!(Dusty Rhodes)
99. Dip your Dead Cat's tongue in alcohol and use it to clean your CDs
and you can use her skin to dry them!(nato)
Many thanks to Rachel and Dan who took the time to edit this page.
apogue@oucsace.cs.ohiou.edu
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Wed, 20 Nov 1996 00:40:08 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: Elementary, my dear Watson (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
"Good evening ladies", Sherlock Holmes said as he passed three
women eating bananas on a park bench.
"Do you know them?" Dr. Watson asked. "No", Holmes replied,
"I've never met the nun, the prostitute or the bride we just
passed."
"Good Lord, Holmes, how in the world did you know all that?"
"Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun ate the banana by holding
it one hand and using the fingers of the other hand to properly
break the fruit into small pieces."
"The prostitute", he continued, "grabbed with both hands and
crammed the whole thing into her mouth."
"Amazing!" Watson exclaimed. "But how did you know the third
was a newlywed?"
"Because she held it one hand and pushed her head toward it
with the other."
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Thu, 21 Nov 1996 23:41:14 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: Universal Grade Change Form (and more) (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
A lawyer was crossexamining a physician and asked, "Did you take the man's
pulse to determine that he had died" The physician responded "No". "Did you
listen to his heart to determine that he had died?" and again the physician
responded "No". The lawyer then pressed the physician, "Then, HOW did you
assess whether the patient had died?" The physician replied, "Well, his brain
was sitting in a jar on my desk but I suppose he could have been out
practicing law!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
UNIVERSAL GRADE CHANGE FORM
____________________University
To: Professor____________________ From:___________________________
I think my grade in your course,___________________, should be
changed from ______ to _______ for the following reasons:
______1. The persons who copied my paper made a higher grade than
I did.
______2. The person whose paper I copied made a higher grade than
I did.
______3. This course will lower my Grade Point Average and I won't
get into L
______Medical School ______Graduate School
______Dental School ______My Fraternity/Sorority
______The Mickey Mouse Club ______Tri County Tech
______4. I have to get an A in this course to balance the F in
_______________.
______5. I'll lose my scholarship.
______6. I'm on a varsity sports team and my tutor couldn't find a
copy of your exam.
______7. I didn't come to class and the person whose notes I used
did not cover the materisal asked for on the exam.
______8. I studied the basic principles and the exam wanted every
little fact.
______9. I learned all the facts and definitions but your exams
asked about general principles.
_____10. You are prejudiced against:
______Males ______Jews ______Blacks
______Females ______Catholics ______Whites
______Protestants ______Moslems ______Minorities
______Chicanos ______People ______Students
_____11. If I flunk out of school my father will disinherit me or
at least cut my allowance.
_____12. I was unable to do well in this course because of the
following illness:
______mono ______broken baby finger
______acute alcoholism ______pregnancy
______VD ______fatherhood
_____13. You told us to be creative but you didn't tell us exactly
how you wanted that done.
_____14. I was creative and you said I was just shooting the bull.
_____15. I don't have a reason; I just want a higher grade.
_____16. The lectures were:
______too detailed to pick out important points
______not explained in sufficient detail
______too boring
______all jokes and not enough material
______all of the above
_____17. This course was:
______too early, I was not awake.
______at lunchtime, I was hungry
______too late, I was tired
_____18. My (dog, cat, gerbil) (ate, wet on, threw up on) my
(book, notes, paper) for this course.
_____19. Other___________________________________________________
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Fri, 22 Nov 1996 23:53:08 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: 11/22/96 JokeS (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
A Mother's Lament....
A mother opened her daughter's bedroom door to find her playing with a
vibrator. The mother said: "what are you doing?" The daughter
responded: "Listen, mom, I'm 40 years old and don't have a husband.
THIS is my husband (pointing to the vibrator)."
Mom went into her own bedroom and locked the door. A few minutes
later, her husband opened the door and found her holding a vibrator in
one hand and a martini in the other hand. He said "what are you
doing?" She responded: "I'm having a drink with my son-in-law."
*************************************************
A guy goes over to his buddy's house, rings the bell, but his buddy's
wife answers.
" Hi is Tony home?"
" No he went to the store."
" Well, you mind if I wait?"
" No come in."
They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the
greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I
could just see one."
Nora thinks about this for a second an figures what the hell - a
hundred bucks.
She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a
100 bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and Chris says
"They are so beautiful I got to see the both of them. I'll give you
another 100 bucks if I could just see the both of them together."
Nora thinks about this and says what the hell opens her robe and
gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another 100
bucks on the table then says he can't wait any longer for Tony and
leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know your
weird friend Chris came over. "
Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the
200 bucks he owes me?"
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Sat, 23 Nov 1996 00:06:45 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: Strange Headaches (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
Joe was moderately successful in the career, but as he got older
he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his
personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought
medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another,
he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good
news is I can cure your headaches. . ." "The bad news is that
it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which
causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine.
The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to
relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked
and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He
couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no
choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, his
mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part
of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt
like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a
new life. He walked past a men's clothing store and thought,
"That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the
salesman,"I'd like a new suit." The salesman eyed him briefly and
said, "Let's see. . .size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right,
how did you know?" "It's my job." Joe tried on the suit. It fit
perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman
asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then
said, "Sure . . ." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see. .
.34 sleeve and . . . 16 and a half neck." Joe was surprised,
"That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Joe tried on the
shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in
the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was
on a roll and said, "Sure . . ." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and
said, "Let's see...9 and a half wide." Joe was astonished,
"That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Joe tried on the
shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around
the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without
hesitating, Joe said, "Sure . . ." The salesman eyed Joe's head and
said, "Let's see. . .7 5/8." Joe was incredulous, "That's right,
how did you know?" "It's my job." The hat fit perfectly. Joe was
feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new
underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure . . " The
salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...
size 36." Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18
years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size
34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your
spine and give you one hell of a headache."
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Sat, 23 Nov 1996 17:20:42 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: Bart's calls to Moe's Tavern (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
From
http://www.foxworld.com/simpsons/simpsons.htm:
+------------------+
| BART CALLS MOE'S |
+------------------+
+----------------------------------+---------------------------------+
| "Uh, Amanda Huggenkiss?" | "Hey, I'm looking for Amanda |
| | Huggenkiss! |
| | Ah, why can't I find Amanda |
| | Huggenkiss? |
| | |
| | Barney: "Maybe your standards |
| | are too high!" |
| | |
| | "You little S.O.B.! |
| | Why, when I find out who you |
| | are, |
| | I'm going to shove a sausage |
| | down your throat |
| | and stick starving dogs in |
| | your butt!" |
+----------------------------------+---------------------------------+
| "Uh, is I.P. Freely here?" | "Hey, everybody, I.P. Freely! |
| | Wait a minute... |
| | Listen to me you lousy bum. |
| | When I get a hold of you, |
| | you're dead. |
| | I swear I'm gonna slice your |
| | heart in half!" |
+----------------------------------+---------------------------------+
| "Uh, Jacques Strap!" | "Hey guys, I'm looking for a |
| | Jacques Strap! |
| | Oh, wait a minute...Jacques |
| | Strap? |
| | It's you isn't it ya cowardly |
| | little runt? |
| | When I get a hold of you, |
| | I'm gonna gut you like a fish |
| | and drink your blood!" |
+----------------------------------+---------------------------------+
| "Hey, is there a Seymour Butz | "Seymour Butz? |
| here? " | Hey, everybody, I wanna |
| | Seymour Butz! |
| | Oh, wait a minute... |
| | Listen, you little |
| | scum-sucking pus-bucket! |
| | When I get my hands on you, |
| | I'm gonna put out your |
| | eyeballs with a corkscrew!" |
+----------------------------------+---------------------------------+
| "Mike Rotch!" | "Mike Rotch! |
| | Hey, has anybody seen Mike |
| | Rotch lately? |
| | Listen to me, you little puke. |
| | One of these days, |
| | I'm going to catch you, |
| | and I'm going to carve my name |
| | on your back with an ice pick!" |
+----------------------------------+---------------------------------+
| "Ivana Tinkle?" | "Ivana Tankle? |
| | All right, everybody, |
| | put down your glasses, |
| | Ivana Tinkle!" |
+----------------------------------+---------------------------------+
| "Oliver Clothesoff!" | "Call for Oliver Clothesoff! |
| | Listen, you lousy bum, |
| | if I ever get a hold of you, |
| | I swear I'll cut your belly |
| | open!" |
+----------------------------------+---------------------------------+
| | "Oh, so, you're looking for a |
| | Mr. Smithers, eh? |
| | First name Wayland, is it? |
| | Listen to me, you; |
| | when I catch you, I'm gonna |
| | pull out your eyes |
| | and stick 'em down your pants, |
| | so you can watch me kick the |
| | crap outta you, okay? |
| | Then I'm gonna use your tongue |
| | to paint my boat!" |
+----------------------------------+---------------------------------+
| "Eura Snotball?" | "What? How dare you! |
| | If I find out who this is, |
| | I'll staple a flag to your |
| | butt and mail you to Iran!" |
+----------------------------------+---------------------------------+
| | "Uh, hey, everybody! |
| | I'm a stupid moron with an |
| | ugly face and big butt |
| | and my butt smells and I like |
| | to kiss my own butt! |
| | Oh, wait a minute..." |
+----------------------------------+---------------------------------+
| "Bea O'Problem!" | " Bea O'Problem! |
| | Come on, guys, do I have a Bea |
| | O'Problem here? |
| | Oh...it's you, isn't it? |
| | Listen, you. When I get a hold |
| | of you, |
| | I'm going to use your head for |
| | a bucket |
| | and paint my house with your |
| | brains!" |
+----------------------------------+---------------------------------+
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Sat, 23 Nov 1996 17:38:32 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: Use Pepper!!! (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man
sneezes, pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman can't
believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.
A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his wang and
wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that
such a rude person exists. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes yet
again. He takes his wang out and wipes the tip off. The woman has
finally had enough. She turns to the man and says, "Three times you've
sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe
it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?"
The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you ma'am. I have a very
rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The woman then says, "Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?"
The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Sun, 1 Dec 1996 03:42:21 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: Bart's Blackboard Exercises (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
If you've ever wondered what the complete list of things Bart Simpson
writes during the opening credits of "The Simpsons," here it is:
I will not carve gods.
I will not spank others.
I will not aim for the head.
I will not barf unless I'm sick
I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.
I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge.
I will not conduct my own fire drills.
Funny noises are not funny.
I will not snap bras.
I will not fake seizures.
This punishment is not boring and pointless.
My name is not Dr. Death.
I will not defame New Orleans.
I will not prescribe medication.
I will not bury the new kid.
I will not teach others to fly.
I will not bring sheep to class.
A burp is not an answer.
Teacher is not a leper.
Coffee is not for kids.
I will not eat things for money.
I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call.
The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee.
I will not call the principal "spud head".
Goldfish don't bounce.
Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.
No one is interested in my underpants.
I will not sell miracle cures.
I will return the seeing-eye dog.
I do not have diplomatic immunity.
I will not charge admission to the bathroom.
I will never win an emmy.
The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.
All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy.
I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause.
I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.
My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.
I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.
I am not deliciously saucy.
Organ transplants are best left to professionals.
The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with "Hail Satan".
I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.
There are plenty of businesses like show business.
Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.
I will not waste chalk.
I will not skateboard in the halls.
I will not instigate revolution.
I will not draw naked ladies in class.
I did not see Elvis.
I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes".
Garlic gum is not funny.
They are laughing at me, not with me.
I will not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom.
I will not encourage others to fly.
I will not fake my way through life.
Tar is not a plaything.
I will not Xerox my butt.
It's potato, not potatoe.
I will not trade pants with others.
I am not a 32 year old woman.
I will not do that thing with my tongue.
I will not drive the principal's car.
I will not pledge allegiance to Bart.
I will not sell school property.
I will not burp in class.
I will not cut corners.
I will not get very far with this attitude.
I will not belch the National Anthem.
I will not sell land in Florida.
I will not grease the monkey bars.
I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment.
I will not do anything bad ever again.
I will not show off.
I will not sleep through my education.
I am not a dentist.
Spitwads are not free speech.
Nobody likes sunburn slappers.
High explosives and school don't mix.
I will not bribe Principal Skinner.
I will not squeak chalk.
I will finish what I sta
"Bart Bucks" are not legal tender.
Underwear should be worn on the inside.
The Christmas Pageant does not stink.
I will not torment the emotionally frail.
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Sun, 1 Dec 1996 03:55:57 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: Norm Peterson Quotes (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Norm Peterson's Famous Quotes:
"Can I draw you a beer Norm?"
"No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one."
"How's a beer sound Norm?"
"I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in."
"What's shaking Norm?"
"All four cheeks and a couple of chins."
"What would you say to a nice beer Normie?"
"Going Down?"
"What's new Normie?"
"Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach, and they're
demanding beer."
"What'll it be Normie?"
"Just the usual coach. I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel."
"What would you say to a beer Normie?"
"Daddy wuvs you."
"What'd you like Normie?"
"A reason to live. Give me another beer."
"What'll you have Normie?"
"Well I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever
comes out of that tap."
"Oh, looks like beer, Norm."
"Call me Mister Lucky!"
"What'd you say Norm?"
"Any cheap, tawdry thing that'll get me a beer."
"What'd you say to a beer Norm?"
"Hiya, sailor. New in town?"
(Coming in from the rain) "Evening everybody" (Everybody) "Norm!"
"Still pouring Norm?"
"That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing."
"Whaddya say, Norm?"
"Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink. And down it goes."
"Hey Norm, How's the world been treating you?"
"Like a baby treats a diaper."
"Would you like a beer Mr. Peterson?"
"No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass."
"How's life treating you?"
"It's not, Sammy, but you can."
"What's the story Mr. Peterson?"
"The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending."
"Hey, Mr Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you."
"I know, and if she calls, I'm not here."
"Beer, Norm?"
"Have I gotten that predictable? Good."
"What's going on, Mr. Peterson?"
"A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.'"
Hey, Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?"
"Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?"
"What's going on Mr. Peterson?"
"Another layer for the winter, Wood."
"Whatcha up to Norm?"
"My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."
"How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
"Poor."
"I'm sorry to hear that."
"No, I mean pour."
"How's life treating you Norm?"
"Like it caught me sleeping with its' wife."
"Women, can't live with 'em.....pass the beer nuts."
"What's going down, Normie?"
"My butt cheeks on that bar stool."
"Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"Alright, but stop me at one....make that one thirty."
"How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
"It's a dog eat dog world, Woody, and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."
"What's the story Norm?"
"Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."
"How's about a beer, Norm?"
"That's that amber sudsy stuff, right? I've heard good things about it!"
"What's going on Mr Peterson?"
"The question is what's going in Mr. Peterson? A beer please, Woody."
(Woody) "Can I pour you a beer Mr. Peterson?"
(Norm) "A little early isn't it, Woody?"
(Woody) "For a beer?"
(Norm) "No, for stupid Questions."
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Sun, 1 Dec 1996 04:05:48 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: NERD APTITUDE TEST (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
NERD APTITUDE TEST
The Nerdity Test v2.1 Mar.12.92
INTRODUCTION:
All persons are assumed to be initially 0% nerd - up until the time
that the Nerdity Test is taken. If someone is asked to take the Nerdity
Test and refuses for any reason (especially if trying to preserve their 0%
nerd status) that person's score should then be altered to 100% (you'd have
to be really nerdy to be that anti-social.)
For each question on the exam that you answer yes - add 0.5% (200
questions total). We recommend that you merely make dashes on a piece of
paper for each question you answer affirmatively. Count these dash marks
and divide by two. This is your percent nerdity.
Some questions have examples listed after them in parenthesis.
These are to be taken as examples and not an all inclusive list.
**ALL** technicalities count.
Also, since nerdity is NOT a permanent condition, some of the
questions reflect this. Anything labelled "are you currently.." "do you
know.." as opposed to "have you ever.." etc. should be taken in the context
of when the test is actually being given. Thus,if you know something nerdy
now, and forget it by the time you take this test again, your nerdity score
will go down.
Please use only a number two pencil. Mark all answers in your blue
book. Show all work. A table of useful formulas is included at the end.
You may begin ... NOW!
********************SECTION 1: education and knowledge*************************
1. Have you ever taken a "higher" math course? (Trig, Calculus)
2. ..........at the college level?
3. ..........and received an A (3.7 grade point)?
4. Have you ever taken a science course? (Biology,Physics,Chemistry)
5. ..........at the college level?
6. ..........and received an A (3.7 grade point)?
7. Are you still capable of doing things you learned in the
"higher" math course?
8. Do you still know information you learned in the science course?
9. Have you ever majored in the "hard sciences"? (engineering,
physics, chemistry, exclude psychology, economics, etc.)
10. Have you ever taken Latin?
11. Have you ever asked a question in lecture?
12. Have you ever answered a question asked in lecture?
13. Have you ever corrected a professor in lecture?
14. Have you ever answered a rhetorical question?
15. Do you sit in the front row more than 20% of the time?
16. Have you ever had a "perfect attendance record"?
17. Do you take notes in more than one color?
18. Have you ever tutored someone else?
19. Have you ever done homework on a Friday night?
20. Have you ever pulled an all-nighter?
DO YOU KNOW...
21. ........BASIC?
22. ........PASCAL?
23. ........FORTRAN?
24. ........assembly language?
25. Can you count in binary? (up to decimal 10)
26. Can you count in hexadecimal? (up to decimal 20)
27. Do you know Maxwell's equations?
(integral or differential form)
28. Do you know Schroedinger's Equation?
29. Have you ever solved Schroedinger's Equation?
30. Do you know the right-hand-rule for cross-products?
31. Do you know the Latin name (genus and species)
for anything? (humans, fruitfly, etc.)
The next few questions deal with physical constants. Mark yes for
any that you can give the value (2 or more significant digits) for.
Knowledge of the units attached is NOT necessary, just the numeric portion.
32. gravitational constant? (G)
33. earth's gravity? (g)
34. mass of an electron?
35. charge of an electron?
36. speed of light?
37. planck's constant? (h or h-bar)
38. permitivity of free space? (epsilon naught)
39. permeability of free space? (mu naught)
40. Avogadro's number?
41. molar gas constant?
42. pi? (exception: more than 5 digits for a true answer)
43. e? (exception: more than 5 digits for a true answer)
Can you give the conversion factor between...
(2 or more sig. digits)
44. ...centimeters and inches?
45. ...kilometers and miles?
46. ...joules and electron-volts?
47. ...atomic mass units and kilograms?
48. ...celsius and kelvin?
49. ...celsius and fahrenheit?
50. Can you briefly outline the biological processes that occur due to
alcohol?
51. ............while drunk?
52. Have you ever interpolated?
53. Have you ever extrapolated?
54. Do you know the difference between interpolation and
extrapolation?
55. Have you ever used the word "asymptotic"?
56. Have you ever referred to something as an L.E.D.?
57. Have you ever referred to a ruler as a "straight-edge"?
58. Have you ever said "quartz crystal"?
Which of the following acronyms do you know the meaning of...
59. ...RADAR?
60. ...MODEM?
61. ...DNA?
62. ...ATP?
63. ...NADP?
64. ...CRT?
65. ...CRC?
66. ...NORAD?
67. ...NASA?
68. ...LED? (see question 56)
69. Have you ever created an acronym in order to simplify
your writing?
SECTION 2: lifestyle and possessions
70. Have you ever used a computer?
71. ..........for more than 4 hours continuously?
72. ..........for more than 8 hours continuously?
73. ..........past 4 a.m.?
74 ..........on Friday, Saturday and Sunday of the same weekend?
75. ..........with someone you were physically attracted toward?
76. ..........for money?
77. ..........as a source of entertainment? (computer game)
78. ..........in the last three months?
79. ..........in the last three weeks?
80. Have you ever programmed a computer?
81. ..........to write a computer game?
82. ..........to write a computer virus?
83. Do you still own any computer with less than 512k RAM?
84. Have you ever used a modem?
85. ..........to gain access to a system you had no authorization on?
86. ..........to call a government computer? (NASA, FBI, NORAD)
87. Do you watch more than 4 hours of TV on any given day in the last
week?
88. Can you name more than 5 shows on PBS? (inc.: A&E, Discovery
Channel)
89. Have you ever watched a PBS documentary?
90. ..........in the last three weeks?
91. Have you ever watched Dr. Who?
92. Can you name or discuss the plots of more than 10 Star Trek
episodes?
Can you whistle, hum, sing or snap the theme songs to...
93. ...Gilligan's Island?
94. ...Flintstones?
95. ...The Brady Bunch?
96. ...The Jetson's?
97. ...The Addam's Family?
98. ...Dobbie Gillis?
99. ...I Dream of Genie?
100. Do you know most of the words to "The Lumberjack Song" by Monty
Python?
101. Have you ever played a non-sexual role-playing game? (D&D)
102. ..........since leaving high school?
103. Have you seen all of the Star Wars movies?
104. ..........in one 24 hour period?
105. Have you seen all of the Star Trek films?
106. ..........in one 30 hour period?
107. Have you ever owned a pair of Spock ears?
Have you ever read anything by...
108. ...Douglas Adams?
109. ...Isaac Asimov?
110. ...Robert H. Heinlein?
111. ...Piers Anthony?
112. ...J.R.R. Tolkein?
113. ...TSR Hobbies? (i.e. a novel published by the D&D people)
114. Have you ever read -Innumeracy-?
115. Have you ever read -Cultural-Literacy-?
116. Do you own an encyclopedia?
117. Have you ever read an encyclopedia entry that you weren't
researching?
118. Do you own an almanac? (World, Farmer's)
119. Do you own an atlas?
120. Do you own a globe?
121. ..........and have it on display? (on a desk, bookshelf...)
122. ..........that has bumps corresponding to mountain ranges?
123. Have you ever used a chemistry set?
124. ..........since the age of 13?
125. Have you ever used a rare earth element?
126. Have you ever dissected something?
127. ..........while not involved in a biology class?
128. Have you ever bought something from Radio Shack?
129. Have you ever used an oscilloscope?
130. Have you ever used a microscope?
131. Have you ever used a telescope?
132. Do you own a voltmeter?
133. Do you own any remote controlled vehicals?
134. Can you program the time on a VCR?
135. Can you understand the owner's manual for electronic equipment?
136. Have you ever faxed something?
137. Do you own a cellular phone? (car phone)
138. Do you own a non-standard calculator? (scientific, programmable)
139. Do you have a slide rule?
140. ..........and now how to use it?
141. Do you own a pencil case?
142. Do you own a mechanical pencil?
143. ..........and have refills for it?
144. Do you own a laboratory notebook?
145. Do you own any graph paper? (quadruled)
146. Do you own any log or semi-log paper?
147. Do you own a table of integrals?
148. Do you play chess?
149. Were you ever on a chess team?
150. Were you ever on a math team?
151. Were you ever on a debate team?
152. Did you ever try out for a "trivia team"?
(college bowl,JEOPARDY)
153. Were you ever in a science fair?
154. ..........that you placed in the top three?
155. Have you ever made a technical joke?
156. ..........that no one around you understood?
157. ..........that everyone around you understood?
158. Do you own a slinky?
159 Have you ever analyzed a slinky physically?
160. Do you own a Rubik's cube?
161. Are you able to solve Rubik's Cube?
162. ..........without using the book?
163. ..........in less than two minutes?
SECTION 3: clothing and personality
164. Do both of your socks match?
165. Do you own a digital watch?
166. ..........that plays music?
167. ..........that's currently set to chime on the hour?
168. ..........that has a calculator built in?
169. Do you have acne?
170. Do you have greasy hair?
171. ..........without realizing it?
172. Do you own any clothing with scientific knowledge printed on it?
(t-shirts with Maxwell's equations)
173. Are your pants too short?
174. Is your outfit coordinated? (have someone else evaluate this)
175. Have you ever worn a button-down shirt and left the tails hanging
out?
176. Are you socially inept?
177. Do you have a tough time remembering people's names?
178. ..........but no trouble with their numeric data? (phone#, SS#,
address)
179. Are you taking this test alone?
180. Did you NOT go to your Senior Prom? DAN!
181. Did you go stag to your Senior Prom?
182. Do you talk to yourself?
183. ..........when other people are around?
184. Do you talk to imaginary people?
185. Have you ever found a grammatical error in a published book?
186. Have you ever contemplated the meaning of life/existance of God?
187. ..........while not drunk?
188. ..........while alone?
189. Do you wear glasses?
190. Is your vision worse than 20/40? (in either eye)
191. Is your vision worse than 20/80? (in either eye)
192. Are you legally blind? (in either eye)
193. Do you own a pocket protector?
194. ..........and are wearing it?
195. Was your SAT math more than 300 above your verbal?
196. Did you score higher than 1200 combined on the SAT?
197. Is your IQ greater than your weight?
198. Is your purity test score higher than your nerdity test score?
199. Have you asked for a technical clarification of anything on this test?
200. Have you ever thought of a question that belongs on this test?
Please put your pencils down.
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Wed, 13 Nov 1996 14:52:45 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: 3 assorted jokes (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
An American Indian wanted to convert to Judaism, and was looking
around for a Rabbi to perform the circumcision. The first one asks
$100 for the job.
"Too much," said the Indian.
He finds another Rabbi, who asks $90.
"Too much," said the Indian.
Finally, he goes in desperation to the medicine man, who tells him he
will do it for free, and wields his tomahawk with one swift stroke.
"Too much," says the Indian.....
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA (Federal Housing Administration)
loan for a client. He was told that the loan would be granted if he could
prove satisfactory title to property offered as collateral. The title
dated back to 1803, and he had to spend three months running it down.
After sending the information to FHA, he got this reply: "We received your
letter today enclosing application for loan for your client, supported by
abstract of title. Let us compliment you on the able manner in which you
prepared and presented the application. However, you have not cleared the
title before the year 1802, and therefore, before final approval can be
accorded the application, it will be necessary that the title be cleared
back of that year."
Annoyed, the lawyer replied: "Your letter regarding titles in Case
No. 189156 received. I note that you wish titles extended further back
than I have presented them. I was unaware that any educated man in the
world failed to know that Louisiana was purchased from France in 1803. The
title to the land was acquired by France by right of conquest from Spain.
The land came into possession of Spain by right of discovery made in 1492
by a sailor named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege
of seeking a new route to India by the then reigning monarch, Isabella.
The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as
much I might say, as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing
of the Pope for the voyage before she sold her jewels to help Columbus.
Now the Pope, as you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God,
and God, it is commonly accepted, made the world. Therefore, I believe it
is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called
Louisiana, and I hope to hell you are satisfied."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a
cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse and
pulled out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and
continued to smoke.
Her friend saw this and said, "Hey, now that's a good idea! What is that
your putting over your cigarette?"
The other old lady said, "It's a condom."
"A condom? Where do you get those?"
The lady with the cigarette told her that she could purchase them at a
pharmacy.
When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the
questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold
condoms.
The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this little
old lady was interested in condoms. He asked her, "what size do you want?"
The old lady thought for a moment and said, "one that will fit a Camel!"
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Fri, 15 Nov 1996 13:16:32 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: The Perfect Day (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
The Perfect Day According To :
HER
8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 5 pounds lighter on the scale
9:30 Light breakfast
11:00 Sunbathe
12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 Shopping
2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex - notice she's gained 30 lbs.
3:00 Facial, massage, nap
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 Make love
11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms
HIM
10:00 Wake up
10:02 Oral sex
10:10 Big Breakfast
11:30 Drive up coast in Ferrari with gorgeous babe with big hooters
2:15 Enormous lunch
3:15 Oral sex
3:25 Play sports with the guys
4:30 Drink beer with the guys
6:30 Meet Claudia Schiffer
6:40 Oral sex
6:50 Huge dinner, more beer
11:00 Full on, get down, gorilla sex
11:10 Sleep
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Fri, 15 Nov 1996 13:13:03 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: Men's room Etiquette (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
Men should ace this test ... women may have a little difficulty.
There IS a code of "Restroom Etiquette" that MUST be followed.
===============================================
The following is the urinal configuration in a sample men's room.
An X above the number will indicate "in use."
(Sample):
| | | x | | | x | (Indicates that urinals 3 and 6
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | are occupied.)
-------------------------
You are to identify correctly, based on urinal etiquette, at
which stall you are to correctly stand. Good luck!
--------------------
Easy Section
--------------------
1.)
| | x | | x | | | (Urinals 2 and 4 occupied.)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
-------------------------
Your choice: ___
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Correct answer: 6 It's the ONLY one to go to and every guy
instinctively knows this.
===============================================
2.)
| x | | | | | | (Urinal 1 occupied.)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
-------------------------
Your choice: ___
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Correct answer: 6 Stall 5 is acceptable, but you run a
greater risk of being next to someone
who arrives later.
===============================================
-------------------------
Kind of tricky Section:
-------------------------
3.)
| | | | | | | (empty)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
--------------------------
Your choice: __
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Correct answey
r: 1 or 6 You are tacitly saying,
"I don't want anyone next to me."
===============================================
4.)
| | x | | x | | x | (2, 4 and 6 occupied)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
-------------------------
Your choice: ___
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Correct answer: 1 You're stuck being next to at
least ONE guy, so you minimize the
impact and get a wall on your left.
NEVER go between TWO guys if you
can help it. Exceptions to this
are stadium restrooms where the
herd thunders in.
===============================================
-----------------------------------------------
Subtle, tricky, but important to know Section
-----------------------------------------------
5.)
| | x | | | x | x | (2, 5 and 6 occupied)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
-------------------------
Your choice: __
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Correct answer: 4 Believe it or not, 1 and 3 "couples"
you with the guy in stall 2. And we
wouldn't want THAT now, would we?
This differs from question 4 in such a
subtle way that the nuances cannot be
explained. Suffice to say, only we men
would understand!
===============================================
-----------------------------
VERY tricky indeed Section
-----------------------------
6.)
| x | x | | | x | x | (1, 2, 5 and 6 occupied)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
-------------------------
Your choice: ___
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Correct answer: NONE! You go to the mirror and pretend to
comb your hair or straighten a tie
until the urinals "open up" a bit more.
If you have to go REAL, REAL BAD, for
goodness sake! ... use a doored stall.
===============================================
Other parts of the Unwritten Code of the Urinals:
-- NO Talking, unless it's a good friend... but even then, keep
it terse and unemotional. This ain't no clubhouse.
-- I don't think I need to tell you, absolutely NO touching of
anyone other than yourself. A touch of another's elbow is of
the highest offense.
-- NO Singing. Period.
-- Glances are for purposes of acknowledgment only..."Yeah, I see
you there. I will not look again".
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Mon, 18 Nov 1996 20:09:16 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: Breast Comparisons (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
"BIG BUSTED WOMEN HAVE MORE FUN"
BIG BUSTED WOMEN...
...can get a taxi on the worst days
...have a neat place to carry spare change
...have always been the center of the arts (art)
...make jogging a spectator sport
...can keep a magazine dry while laying the tub
...have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them)
...usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie
...can always carry a little extra
...always float better
...know where to look first for lost earrings
...rarely lack for a slow dance partner
...have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an armless recliner
"SMALL BUSTED WOMEN HAVE BIG HEARTS"
SMALL BUSTED WOMEN...
...don't cause a traffic accident every time they bend over in public
...always look younger
...find that dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their lap
...can always see their toes and shoes
...can sleep on their stomachs
...have no trouble sliding behind the wheel of small cars
...know that people can read the entire message on their t-shirts
...know that everything more than a handful is wasted
...can come late to a theater and not disrupt an entire aisle
...can take aerobic class without running the risk of knocking themselves out
...CAN HUG CLOSER AND NICER AND LONGER!!!
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Mon, 18 Nov 1996 20:18:05 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: Assorted Sex Jokes (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
One day at the Vatican the Pope was bored so he was doing a
crossword puzzle. He turns to the Cardinal and asks, " What's a four
letter word related to a woman and ending in UNT?"
The Cardinal replies, "That would be Aunt". The Pope says,
"Do you have an eraser?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy with a severe stuttering problem went to the doctors to find out what
was wrong with him. "D-D-Doctor", he says "Wh-Wh-What i-i-is c-c-c-causing
it?" Well the doctor looks him over for a few minutes and says "I believe
it is because your penis is 6 inches too long." So the guy says
"Wh-Wh-What ever i-i-it t-t-takes, j-j-just hh-h-help m-m-me." Ok the
doctor says, and schedules him for surgery the following afternoon. after
the surgery the guy is so excited 'cause he's cured. but as time goes by
he finds that the girs aren't attracted to him as much and the sex isn't as
good, so he goes back to the doctor and says "Doc, ya' know it's great not
stuttering and all, but I think i want my dick back" and the doctor
replies "F-F-F-uck Y-Y-You."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Scientists have determined that the average time of intercourse lasts 4 min.
The average number of strokes is 9 per minute, making the average intercourse
36 strokes. Since the average lenth of a penis is 6 inches the average girl
receives 216 inches or 18 feet per intercourse. The average girl does it about
three times a week, 52 weeks annually. 156 x 18 feet makes 2808 feet or just
over a half a mile. So girl, if you are not getting your half mile every year,
why not let the man who sent you this e-mail, help you catch up.
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Tue, 19 Nov 1996 10:11:22 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: Tractor Sales and Dairy Farming (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
Ol' farmer John had just walked into the local watering hole, when who
should he see, but his old friend Chis the tractor salesman sitting up
at the bar. Chris looked so down and dejected, that John just had to go
up and say something to him.
"Say, Chris, how ya doing? How's the tractor selling business these
days?"
If Chris had looked sad before, at the mention of tractor sales, his
face sank even more, and a tear came to his eye. "John," he said,
shaking his head, "I don't know what it is. I can't sell a tractor
these days to save my life. I'll tell you, I just gotta sell one
tractor, and soon, or else I'll lose that dealership for good."
"Well," John said, taking the barstool next to him, "If you think you
got it bad, I got it worse. Now you listen to this:
"I went out to the barn the other morning to milk Bessy. That ol' cow
gets more ornery as the years go by. Anyway, no sooner did I sit down
on the milking stool and get to work, but ol' Bes starts a slappin' me
with her tail. After a minute or so, I got fed up with it, so I threw
a rope up over the rafters, and tied ol' Bessy's tall to the rafters.
Then I got back to work.
"I didn't even get two squirts into the bucket, when Bes gives be a
kick. Knocked me clean off the stool! Boy, if that didn't piss me off!
So I get me another rope an' tie Bessy's right hind leg to the side of
the milking stall, and get a started trying to milk her again.
"Well by this time, Bessy's about livid, and she doesn't want any part
of it, so she let's me have it with her other hind leg. I wasn't about
to give in to this ol' cow, so I got me yet another piece ah rope and
tied up Bessy's left leg to the side of the stall. "
Just then John paused to take sip his beer.
Chris, distracted for a moment from his own troubles, asked John, "Well,
did you finally get to milk her?"
"Well, yes and no, Chris. But I'll tell ya what... If you can convince
my wife that I was out there to MILK that cow, I'll BUY a tractor from
you!"
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Wed, 20 Nov 1996 19:28:52 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: HOW CORRUPT ARE YOU? (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
The infamous, "HOW CORRUPT ARE YOU?" survey!
For each thing you answer YES to, add the designated amount of
points.
1 Ever laugh at someone else's misfortune? 1 point
2 Ever laugh at a physically or mentally handicapped person?
2 points
3 Ever tried alcohol? 1 point
4 Ever been drunk? 2 points
5 Ever play drinking games? 2 points
6 Ever fall down because you drank too much? 3 points
7 Ever drink enough to throw up? 4 points
8 Ever wake up and not remember what you did the night before?
5 points
9 Ever been forcibly removed from a bar? 8 points
10 Ever participated/finished in a pub crawl? 5 points
11 Do you drink regularly at least 3 times a week? 3 points
(+1 bonus point for each additional day)
12 Ever fall asleep/pass out in a bar? 4 points
13 Ever try pot/hash/mushrooms? 4 points for each one try
14 Do you do drugs regularly? 4 points
(bonus--at least 4 times a week--4 points)
15 Ever bought soft drugs? 4 points
16 Ever sell drugs? 8 points
17 Ever sell drugs to support a drug habit? 12 points
18 Ever use barbiturates? 8 points
19 Ever use hallucinogens? 8 points
20 Ever use narcotics? 10 points
21 Ever been stoned or drunk for more than 48 hrs? 8 points
22 Ever been on a date? 2 points
23 Ever been felt-up, groped? 2 points
(bonus -- to orgasm -- 2 points)
24 Ever had sexual intercourse? 6 points
25 Ever had a bath or shower with the opposite sex? 5 points
26 Ever paid for sex? 8 points
27 Ever taken advantage of someone while they were stoned or drunk? 4 points
28 Ever get someone stoned or drunk to obtain sexual favors and
succeed? 8 points
29 Ever engage in oral sex? 4 points
(bonus - to orgasm- 2 points)
30 Ever engage in anal sex? 6 points
(bonus - to orgasm- 2 points)
31 Ever engage in the 69 position? 4 points
32 Ever contracted STD? 12 points
33 Ever had unprotected sex? 4 points
34 Ever had or been knowingly responsible for an abortion? 12
points
35 Ever had sex with 2 or more partners in a week? 4 points
36 Ever had sex with more than 1 person at a time? 9 points
37 Ever had sex in a public place? 6 points
38 Ever had carpet burns in relation to a sexual act? 4 points
39 Ever engage in sexual activity with a member of the same sex? 10 points
40 Ever practice bondage, masochism, or sadism for sexual
gratification? 8 points
41 Ever use sex toys? 6 points
42 Ever pass out during sex? 5 points
43 Ever been responsible for losing someone else's virginity?
4 points
44 Ever masturbated while talking on the phone? 3 points
45 Ever bought something in a sex shop? 3 points
46 Ever licked or have someone lick:
an eyeball -- 1 point
toes -- 2 points
ears -- 1 point
47 Ever had sex with a relative? 5 points
48 Ever make someone sleep in the wet spot? 6 points
49 Does necrophilia, pedophilia, or bestiality turn you on? 20 points
50 Ever been arrested? 8 points
( if convicted 7 points)
SCORING
0 - 20 A life with the church is too good for you.
21 -40 You barely make our scale.
41 -60 Approaching normal, you aren't much fun on a date.
61 - 100 Normal, you use your right hand like everyone else.
101 -130 Above average, you've got a few tricks below the belt .
131- 160 You are enjoying life to the MAX!
161- 200 You are a danger to society, who let you out?!
201+ YOU GO STRAIGHT TO HELL!!!
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Wed, 20 Nov 1996 23:24:50 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: Facts About Men and Women (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
FACTS ABOUT WOMEN AND MEN
Facts about women
1. Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel
like they're actually in control.
2. Women especially love a bargain. The question of "need" is irrelevant,
so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.
3. Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes
in the closet; you "just don't understand".
4. Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can
hear them.
5. Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort
to trap you into feeling guilty.
6. Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to
fill it, even if they have nothing to say.
7. Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are.
That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.
9. Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when
there's a spider or a wasp involved.
10. Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And
they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or
three people.
11. Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance
to gossip.
12. Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's
doing.
It might be the lottery calling.
13. Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they
wouldn't need toys if women had an "on/off" switch.
14. Women think all beer is the same.
15. Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in
the shower.
16. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain
forest.
17. Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment
that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds
them of how horrible things *could* be.
18. If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of
clothes and
will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll
pack 21
outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.
19. Women brush their hair *before* bed.
21. Women are paid less than men, except for Modeling.
22. Women are *never* wrong. Apologizing is the mans responsibility, "It's
there in the bible". hmmm who was it that gave Adam the apple?
23. Women do *not* know anything about cars. "Oil-stick, oil doesn't
stick?"
24. Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet.
25. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A
man would not be able to identify most of these items.
26. Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
looking, men kick cats.
27. Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for
two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they
will talk for three hours.
28. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.
30. Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of
getting
lost using a shortcut.
31. Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'
32. PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter. (Or at least men think it
means that. PMS also stands for Punish My Spouse.
33. The first naked man woman see is "Ken".
36. Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand
turn.
37. "Oh, nothing," has an entirely different meaning in woman-language
than it does in man-language.
38. Lewis Carroll's Caterpillar had nothing on women.
39. Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the
direction that they are heading.
40a All women are overweight by definition, don't argue with them about
it.
40b All women are overweight by definition, don't agree with them about
it.
41. If it is not Valentines day, and you see a man in a flower shop, you
can probably start up a conversation by asking, "What did you do?"
42. Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let
into the draft to cover the responsibilities that go with those rights.
43. Only women understand the reason for "guest towels" and the "good
china".
46. Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men
arrested.
47. Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims
to the contrary. You don't see womens trampling over Tom Cruise to get to
Gilbert Gottfried do you?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
50 facts about men.
1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
3. If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first
few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most
of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.
4. Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich"
usually cancels out the nice of "bald."
5. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world
where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
6. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when
he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he
can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players
from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get
off the phone in case they call him.
7. If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during
play-off season.
8. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
9. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not
being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
10. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
11. The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can
ever care about anyone else.
12. Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn
in private; in public they have to know.
13. Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.
14. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my
pillow, instead of a gun.
15. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually
have jobs and bathe.
16. Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is
a combination address book, telescope and piano.
17. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These
seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.
18. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the
last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
19. Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to
get a bikini wax.
20. All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact
me for a list of names.
21. Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.
22. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types:
depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not
nerdy.
23. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out
in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable
heaters that snore.
24. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a
man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me
out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
25. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on
the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
26. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more
types of lettuce, he is serious.
27. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a)
got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in
for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on
cocoons and butterflies.
28. Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter
and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.
29. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record
saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
30. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
31. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
32. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
33. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie
THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
34. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and
creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win?
How's my car?"
35. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget...
he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to
call you.
36. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him,
"Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each
other."
37. Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it
out of sight of women.
38. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem.
"Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a
challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love
you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes
they leave skid marks.
39. Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch,
you look great." Mitch:"Thanks." On the other side:"Ruth, you look
great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."
40. Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.
41. Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
42. Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for
a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.
43. Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because
their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually
button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but
we also need men to help us get dressed.
44. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheros.
Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
45. When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she
will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from
his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.
46. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female
menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get
to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
47. Men forget everything; women remember everything.
48. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten
what happened.
49. Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
50. All men would still really like to own a train set.
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Thu, 21 Nov 1996 08:04:26 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: Top 15 Things Overheard at COMDEX (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
The Top 15 Things Overheard at Comdex
15> "Oh, come on -- Kirk can beat Picard's ass any day of the week!"
14> "Empty the trash cans, someone's lost another retainer!"
13> "I'm sorry, Mr. Gates -- this is a $10 minimum table, the $5
minimum tables are over there."
12> "No, sir, we can't accept Apple stock to cover your gambling
debts."
11> "Just shut up and give me the trinkets, booth weasel!"
10> "Free Pocket Protectors at Booth 183! Pass it on!"
9> "Hey, if we all share a limo ride back to the hotel, we can
split that dollar tip nine ways."
8> "Well, the Chicken Ranch was okay - but I liked 'Virtual
Monique' better."
7> "...so Dilbert says to Wally..."
6> "My dad said if I hacked the Federal Reserve one more time,
he'd take away my Nintendo."
5> "...and *I* said, 'That's no hexadecimal assembly code, that's
my self-modulating subroutine.' But seriously, folks..."
4> "I don't care if you ARE a CEO, nobody gets in under 21."
3> "Marc Andreeson to the courtesy desk -- Your mother wants to
know what time you'll be home for dinner..."
2> "They call this a breakfast buffet? Where's the Jolt Cola
and Doritos?"
and the Number 1 Thing Overheard at Comdex...
1> "Hey -- where are all the chicks??"
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Dogbyte get's some of his stuff from:
_____________________________________
_________| |________
\ | The Top Five List | /
\ | www.topfive.com | /
\ | | /
\ | Sponsored by Windows Sources | /
> | www.wsources.com | <
/ | | \
/ | November 21, 1996 | \
/ |_____________________________________| \
/___________) (__________\
============================================================
T H E T O P F I V E L I S T
Subscriptions: Send mail to Majordomo@news.zdnet.com with
"subscribe topfive" or "unsubscribe topfive" in the body.
============================================================
Back To Top
Date: Sun, 24 Nov 1996 19:44:00 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: Speech Mistakes (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
SPEECH GOOFS
"I want to make sure everybody who has a job wants a job"
--George Bush, during his first Presidential campaign
"This is a great day for France!"
--Richard Nixon, while attending Charles De Gaulle's funeral
"Now, like, I'm President. It would be pretty hard for some drug guy to come
into the White House and start offering it up, you know? ... I bet if they
did, I hope I would say, 'Hey, get lost. We don't want any of that.'"
--George Bush, talking about drug abuse to a group of students
"For seven and a half years I've worked alongside President Reagan. We've
had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We've had some sex ... uh... setbacks."
--George Bush
"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and
democracy. But that could change."
--Dan Quayle
"Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in the
Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right
here."
--Dan Quayle during a visit to Hawaii in 1989
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind--or not to have a mind. How true that
is."
--Dan Quayle addressing the United Negro College Fund
"I am honored today to begin my first term as the Governor of Baltimore-that
is Maryland."
--William Donald Schaefer, first inaugural address
"The caribou love it. They rub against it and they have babies. There are
more caribou in Alaska than you can shake a stick at."
--George Bush, on the Alaska pipeline
"I hope I stand for anti-bigotry, anti-Semitism, anti-racism. This is what
drives me."
--George Bush
"If I listened to Michael Dukakis long enough I would be convinced that
we're in an economic downturn and people are homeless and going without food
and medical attention and that we've got to do something about the
unemployed."
--Ronald Reagan
"My fellow Americans, I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia
forever. We begin bombing in five minutes."
--Ronald Reagan, about to go on the air for a radio broadcast, unaware that
the microphone was already on
"Mars is essentially in the same orbit. Mars is somewhat the same distance
from the sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are
canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is
oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
--Dan Quayle
"Now we are trying to get unemployment to go up and I think we're going to
succeed."
--Ronald Reagan
AND GREAT MOMENTS IN POLITICAL DEBATES: Walter Mondale: George Bush doesn't
have the manhood to apologize. Bush: Well, on the manhood thing, I'll put
mine up against his any time.
FOREIGN GOOFS
"Bite the wax tadpole."
-- Coca-Cola as originally translated into Chinese
"Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave."
-- ad slogan "Pepsi Comes Alive" as originally translated into Chinese
"I am a jelly doughnut"
--English translation of John F. Kennedy speaking at the Berlin Wall
"We pray for MacArthur's erection."
--sign erected by Japanese citizens in Tokyo, when MacArthur was considering
a run for President
"You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid."
--from a guest directory at a Japanese hotel, 1991
"It takes a virile man to make a chicken pregnant."
--Perdue chicken ad, as mistranslated abroad
MISCELLANEOUS
"I'm not against the blacks and a lot of the good blacks will attest to
that."
--Evan Mecham, then governor of Arizona
"Nixon has been sitting in the White House while George McGovern has been
exposing himself to the people of the United States."
--Frank Licht, then governor of Rhode Island, campaigning for McGovern in
1972
"Retraction: The 'Greek Special' is a huge 18 inch pizza and not a huge 18
inch penis, as described in an add. Blondie's Pizza would like to apologize
for any confusion Friday's ad may have caused."
--correction printed in The Daily Californian
"Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall and it rolls
off! It's rolling all the way back to second base! This is a terrible thing
for the Padres!"
--Jerry Coleman, Padres radio announcer
"I want you to take your balls in your hand and bounce them on the floor and
then throw them as high as you can. Now, have you all got your balls in your
hands?"
--announcer of children's radio show "Life With Mother" to her audience
They X-Rayed my head and found nothing.
--Jerome "Dizzy" Dean
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history...this
century's history.... We all lived in this century. I didn't live in this
century."
-Dan Quayle
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Sun, 24 Nov 1996 19:55:42 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: Assorted Sex Jokes (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
Q. What do bridge and masturbation have in common?
A. In both, if you have a good hand you don't need a partner.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. How do you make your wife cry when you're having sex ?
A. Ring her up and tell her!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her
bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says
"Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four". Instantly,
there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous
proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and
in minutes they both return. This time the husband crosses his fingers
and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!".
Again, there's a bright flash...and his legs fall off.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man and woman spent their honeymoon making love in many different
locations and positions. Once, during a brief rest period, the wife asked
her husband, "You know, honey, we won't always be so insatiable when it
comes to sex. Sometimes, one of us will want to make love and the other
won't. What should we do to communicate this to each other?"
The man said, "Well, if I want to make love, I can reach over and gently
pull on your left nipple. If I don't want to make love, I can reach over
and pull on your right nipple."
The woman said, "That's fine for you, but what about for me?" The man
said, "Well, if you want to make love, you can reach over and pull on my
penis once. If you don't want to make love, you can reach over and pull on
my penis 50 times."
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Mon, 25 Nov 1996 17:26:17 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: THERE OUGHTA BE A LAW (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
THERE OUGHTA BE A LAW
It seems that we have laws for everything but the stuff that can really
get on our nerves. For instance, "there oughta be a law" to protect
citizens from the airline passenger who maintains his seat in a fully
reclined position while an in-flight meal is being served. So I
propose that we start passing some much-needed legislation to crack
down on the following offenses:
RESISTING A REST: Repeatedly disrupting an entire row of patrons at a
theater or sports event by heading for refreshments, frequent rest-room
visits and leg-stretching.
EUPHONIOUS ASSAULT: Playing the car radio at ear-splitting volume so
the next driver is blasted into the back seat.
LANE SHARKING: Parking over two spaces in a crowded lot so that the
adjacent space is rendered useless.
COFFEE-RIGHT INFRINGEMENT: Hurry-up restaurant employees who are too
quick to bring your bill at the end of a meal.
VIOLATION OF INDIVIDUAL SWIVEL RIGHTS: Rotating a circular merchandise
rack while another shopper is browsing on the other side.
BREAKING AND EXITING: Slipping away after dropping a bottle of pancake
syrup while in an empty grocery-store aisle.
SORRY I MISSED HIM'MEANOR: Intentionally returning unwanted phone
calls when you know the party who called will be out.
KIDYAPPING: Failure to get off the subject of your children.
POLY-GAMEY: Attempting to watch two televised football games and a
tennis tournament simultaneously on a Sunday afternoon by means of
rapid-fire, remote-control channel surfing.
LABOR FRAUD: Politicians who roll up their sleeves only when posing
for campaign photographs.
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Mon, 25 Nov 1996 18:12:14 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: Oh Dennis! (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
A woman meets Dennis Rodman in a bar. They like each other and she goes
back with him to his hotel room. He removes his shirt revealing "Reebok".
She thinks that's a bit odd and asks him about it. Dennis says, "When I
play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for
advertisement." A bit later, his pants are off and she sees "Puma"
tattooed on his leg. He gives the same explanation for the unusual tattoo.
Finally, the underwear comes off and she sees the word "AIDS" tattooed on
his penis. She jumps back with shock. "I'm not going to do it with a guy
who has AIDS!" He says, "It's cool baby, in a minute it's going to say
"ADIDAS".
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Tue, 26 Nov 1996 22:26:22 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: Can I please, please, please... (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
I know I haven't known you for a very long time and I shouldn't be asking
you for this so soon, but I need it very badly. I haven't had it for a long
time and I can already feel it going in good and hard and coming out nice
and soft. If you would do this for me, no one would ever know. I am sure
you can satisfy my needs and I'd be very grateful if you would. I am very
desperate and I need your help. You must think I have a lot of nerve, but I
can feel my tongue wrapping around it and sucking out all the juice until
it's very dry. It has been on my mind all day and I'm not going to beat
around the bush anymore...........
-------> Do you have a piece of gum??? <-------
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Wed, 27 Nov 1996 10:57:53 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: *** ONE BIG ASS THANKSGIVING E-MAIL *** (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
Eleven things that sound politically incorrect at Thanskgiving, but aren't.....
1) Reach in and grab the giblets.
2) Whew, that's one terrific spread!
3) I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
4) Tying the legs together will keep the insides moist.
5) Talk about a huge breast!
6) "and he forced his way into the end zone..."
7) She's 5000 pounds fully inflated and it takes 15 men to hold her down.
8) It's Cool Whip time!!!!
9) If I don't unbuckle my pants, I'm going to burst!
10) It must be broken, cause when I push on the tip, nothing squirts out!
11) "All I want is stuffin'!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TOP 10 THINGS THAT SOUND
DIRTY AT THANKSGIVING BUT AREN'T >
10. "It's cool whip time!"
9. "And he forces his way into the end zone!"
8. "If I don't unbutton my pants, I am going to burst!"
7. "Talk about a HUGE breast!"
6. "Reach in and grab the giblets."
5. "Whew...that's one terrific spread!"
4. "I am in the mood for a little dark meat!"
3. "Tying the legs together will keep the inside moist."
2. "She's 5000 pounds fully inflated and it takes 15 men to hold her
down."
1. "It must be broken 'cause when I push on the tip, nothing squirts
out."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Top Ten Reasons Thanksgiving Dinner is Better than Sex
10. You're sure to get at least one of your favorite dishes.
9. The turkey never suffers from modesty.
8. You can nibble before dinner even if mom sees you.
7. You are expected to pass the dishes around.
6. There are always at least two kinds of desert, with or without whipped
cream.
5. They give you the day off WITH pay to have dinner.
4. Thanksgiving dinner is a "sure" thing.
3. Seconds are encouraged. Take home, too!!
2. You're expected to fall asleep after dinner.
And the number 1 reason why Thanksgiving dinner is better than sex:
1. You are EXPECTED to watch football BEFORE and AFTER dinner.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Thanksgiving Cookbook
by Mrs. Geraghty's Kindergarten Class
NOTE: Mrs. Geraghty will not be reponsible for medical bills resulting
from use of her cookbook
Ivette - Banana Pie:
You buy some bananas and crust. Then you mash them up and put them in
the pie. Then you eat it.
Russell - Turkey
You cut the turkey up and put it in the oven for ten minutes and 300
degrees. You put gravy on it and eat it.
Geremy - Turkey
You buy the turkey and take the paper off. Then you put it in the
refrigerator and take it back out and cut it with a knife and make
sure all the wires are out and take out the neck and heart. Then you put it in
a big pan and cook it for half an hour at 80 degrees. Then you invite
people over and eat.
Andrew - Pizza
Buy some dough, some cheese and pepperoni. Then you cook it for 10
hours at 5 degrees. Then you eat it.
Shelby - Applesauce
Go to the store and buy some apples, and then you squish them up.
Then you put them in a jar that says, "Applesauce". Then you eat it.
Meghan H. - Turkey
You cut it into 16 pieces and then you leave it in the oven for 15
minutes and 4 degrees. you take it out and let it cool and then after 5
minutes, then you eat it.
Danny - Turkey
You put some salt on it to make it taste good. Then you put it in the
oven. Then you cook it for an hour at 5 degrees. Then you eat it.
Brandon - Turkey
First you buy it at Fred Meyer. Then you cut it up and cook it for 15
hours at 200 degrees. Then you take it out and eat it.
Megan K - Chicken
You put it in the oven for 25 minutes and 25 degrees and put gravy on
it and eat it.
Christa - Cookies
Buy some dough and smash it and cut them out. Then put them in the
oven for 2 hours at 100 degrees. Then take them out and dry them off. Then it's
time to eat them.
Irene - Turkey
Put it on a plate and put it in the oven with gravy. You cook it for
1 minute and for 100 degrees. Then it's all cooked. Your mom or dad cuts it
and then eat.
Moriah - Turkey
First you cut the bones out. Then you put it in the oven for 10 hours
at 600 degrees. Then you put it on the table and eat it.
Vincent - Turkey
You cut and put sauce on it. Then you cook it for 18 minutes at 19
degrees. Then you eat it with stuffing.
Jordyn - Turkey
First you have to cut it up and put it on a plate in the oven for 9
minutes and 18 degrees. Then you dig it out of the oven and eat it.
Grace - Turkey
First you add some salt. Then you put it in a bowl. Then you put
brown sugar on it. Then you mix it all together with a spoon and then you add
some milk and mix it again. And then you put it in a pan. Then you put it in
the oven for 15 minutes and 16 degrees. Then you take it out of the oven and
then you eat it.
Alan - Turkey
First you shoot it and then you cut it. And then you put it in the
oven and cook it for 10 minutes and 20 degrees. You put it on plates and then
you eat it.
Jordan Salvatore- Turkey
First you put it in the oven for 15 minutes at 100 degrees. Then you
cut it up and then you eat it.
Jordan Simons - Chocolate Pudding
Buy some chocolate pudding mix. Then you add the milk. Then you add
the pudding mix. Then you stir it. Then you put it in the
refrigerator and wait for it to get hard. Then you eat it.
Whitney - Turkey
Cut it and put it in the oven for 50 minutes at 60 degrees and then
you eat it.
Jason - Chicken Pie
Put the chicken in the pot and put the salad and cheese and mustard
and then you mix it all together. Then put chicken sauce and stir it all
around again. Then you cook it for 5 minutes at 9 degrees. Then you eat it.
Christopher - Pumpkin Pie
First you buy a pumpkin and smash it. Then it is all done. And you
cook it in the oven for 12 minutes and 4 degrees. Then you eat it.
Christine - Turkey
First you buy the turkey. Then you cook it for 5 hours and 5 degrees.
Then you cut it up and you eat it.
Ashley - Chicken
Put it in the oven. Then cut it up. Then I eat it.
Jennie - Corn
My mom buys it. Then you throw it. Then you cook it. Then you eat it.
Jordan - Cranberry Pie
Put cranberry juice in it. Then you put berries in it. Then you put
dough in it. Then you bake it. Then you eat it.
Adam - Pumpkin Pie
First you put pumpkin seeds in it. Put it in a pan and bake it at 5
degrees for 6 minutes. Then take it out and eat it.
Jarryd - Deer Jerky
Put it in the oven overnight at 20 degrees. Then you go hunting and
bring it with you. Then you eat it.
Christina - Turkey
Get the turkey. Put it in the oven. Cook it for 43 minutes at 35
degrees. Put it on a plate, cut it up, then eat it.
Joplyn - Apple Pie
Take some apples, mash them up. Take some bread and make a pie with
it. Get some dough and squish it. Shape the dough into a pie shape. Put the
apples in it. Then bake it at 9 degrees for 15 minutes.
Isabelle - Spaghetti
Put those red things in it. Then put the spaghetti in it. Then cook
it in the oven for 2 minutes at 8 degrees.
Bailey - Chicken
Put pepper and spices on it. Cook for one hour at 60 degrees. Then
eat it.
Nicholas - White and Brown Pudding
First you read the wrapper. Get a piece of water. Stir. Then you eat
it.
Sean - Turkey
Put it in the oven for 5 minutes at 55 degrees. Take it out and eat
it.
Lauren - Turkey
First you find a turkey and kill it. Cut it open. Put it in a pan.
Pour milk in the pan. Put a little chicken with it. Put salsa on it. Take out
of pan. Put it on the board. Cut into little pieces. Put on a rack. Put in
the oven for 7 minutes at 10 degrees. Take out of the oven and put eensy
weensy bit of sugar on it. Put a little more salsa on it. Then you eat it.
Olivia - Corn
Get hot water and put on stove. Wait for 8 minutes. Put corn in. Then
put it on a plate. Then eat.
Siera - Pumpkin Pie
Get some pumpkin and dough for the crust. Get pumpkin pie cinnamon.
Cook it for 20 minutes at 10 degrees.
Kayla - Turkey
Buy it. Take it home. Then you cook it. Put it in the oven for 1
hour. Take it out of the oven. Put it on a plate. Then you eat it.
Tommy - Pumpkin
Cook the pumpkin. Then get ready to eat the pumpkin
Wai - Pumpkin Pie
Get a pumpkin. Cook it. Eat it.
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Wed, 27 Nov 1996 23:04:06 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: Happy Thanksgiving (ASCII ART)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----] If ASCII art doesn't look right
\\ {|||} _\____ on your email program, try saving
\\ {|||} / ---- it as a .txt file and viewing it
\\-------- / with NOTEPAD or Simple-Text.
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
_ , ______
' ) / / / / |
/--/ __ _ _ / /_ __. __ /, _ _, . . __ _, |
/ (_(_/_/_)_/_)_(_/_ / / /_(_/_/ /_/-_/_)_(_)_/_\/_/_/ /_(_)_ |
_/ _/ __/ __/ __/ .
____
: :
___ :____:
___ ---\ ~~ /---___ : []:
\ \ ~ \~ /~~~/~~~/ ----,-------
,' \~~ \~~ \/ ~~/~~~/ `, ,' 0 0 __
-_~~ \ \,------, / ~ _` ; _____\
; - _ \,'^^^^^^^ ""`,_- \ `, `--'; u
; ~~ ,'^^^^----------- / ,'`,,,'
;~ ---, ^^^,`__----, ..`,/ ,'..,'
`, ~ ,^^ <_'__--__ `, .. `,/ .. `
`,---` ^<________-- `, .. .. ,' ___ [] ___
`,---` <__ -__ ___ ,' .. . ,` _/ \)(/ \_
`, --` <__ __ _ ,' ... _,` / / \ \
`--,___<___ ,'`-___,' ,' : | `,
<___,'(||) : : :
|| || : : | ;
__||_ _||_ \_ : _/
// ;;\\ ;;\\ \_ \ | / _/
\__________/
--------------------------------------------------------------------
H H A PPPPPP PPPPPP Y Y
H H A A P P P P Y Y
HHHHH AAAAA PPPPPP PPPPPP Y Y
H H A A P P Y
H H A A P P Y
TTTTT H H A N N K KK SSSS
T H H A A N N N K KK S
T HHHHH AAAAA N N N KK SSSS -----
T H H A A N N N K KK S
T H H A A N N K KK SSSS
GGGGG IIII V V IIII N N GGGGG !!
G II V V II N N N G !!!!
G GGG II V V II N N N G GGG !!!!
G G II V V II N N N G G !!
GGGGG IIII V IIII N N GGGGG !!
,+*^^*+___+++_
,*^^^^ )
_+* ^**+_
+^ _ _++*+_+++_, )
_+^^*+_ ( ,+*^ ^ \+_ )
{ ) ( ,( ,_+--+--, ^) ^\
{ (@) } f ,( ,+-^ __*_*_ ^^\_ ^\ )
{:;-/ (_+*-+^^^^^+*+*<_ _++_)_ ) ) /
( / ( ( ,___ ^*+_+* ) < < \
U _/ ) *--< ) ^\-----++__) ) ) )
( ) _(^)^^)) ) )\^^^^^))^*+/ / /
( / (_))_^)) ) ) ))^^^^^))^^^)__/ +^^
( ,/ (^))^)) ) ) ))^^^^^^^))^^) _)
*+__+* (_))^) ) ) ))^^^^^^))^^^^^)____*^
\ \_)^)_)) ))^^^^^^^^^^))^^^^)
(_ ^\__^^^^^^^^^^^^))^^^^^^^)
^\___ ^\__^^^^^^))^^^^^^^^)\\
^^^^^\uuu/^^\uuu/^^^^\^\^\^\^\^\^\^\
___) >____) >___ ^\_\_\_\_\_\_\)
^^^//\\_^^//\\_^ ^(\_\_\_\)
^^^ ^^ ^^^ ^^
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Thu, 28 Nov 1996 23:29:27 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: A CONSTRUCTION WORKER'S DOG (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
A CONSTRUCTION WORKER'S DOG
Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were.
The first was an engineer, who said his dog could do math with
calculations. His dog was named T-Square, and he told him to get some
paper and draw a square, a circle, and a triangle, which the dog did with
no sweat.
The accountant said he thought his dog was better. This dog was named
Slide Rule. He told him to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back, and
divide them into piles of three, which he did with no problem.
The chemist said that was good, but he felt his dog was better. His dog
Measure was told to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a
ten-ounce glass. The dog did this with no problem.
All three of the men agreed this was very good, and their dogs were
equally smart. They all turned to the construction worker and said, What
can your dog do?
The construction worker called his dog, whose name was coffee break, and
said, show these fellows what you can do.
Coffee Break went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the
paper, screwed the other three dogs and claimed he injured his back.
While doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, applied
for workman's compensation and then earlied out on sick leave.
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Fri, 29 Nov 1996 23:00:10 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: vacation rentals (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
One evening after attending the theatre, two cowboys were walking down
the avenue when they observed a rather well-dressed and attractive lady
just ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd
give $50 to spend the night with that woman." To their surprise, the
young lady overheard the remark and, turning around, said, "I'll take
you up on that." She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice so after
bidding his companion adieu, the man accompanied the lady to her
apartment where they immediately went to bed.
The following morning he presented her with $25 as he prepared to go.
She demanded the rest of the money, stating, "If you don't give me the
rest of the $50, I'll sue you for it." He laughed, "I'd like to see you
get it on these grounds." The next day he was surprised when he received
a summons ordering his appearance in court. The defendant's lawyer said,
"She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it
will be interesting to see how her case will be presented after the
usual preliminaries." The lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows:
"Your Honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a
piece of property, a colorful garden spot with ideal
temperatures, conditions for social activity surrounded
by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she
agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length
of time for the sum of $50. The defendant took
possession of the property, used it extensively for the
purpose for which it was rented, but on vacating the
premises he paid her only $25, one half of the amount
agreed upon. The rent was not expensive, but it was
restricted property in a private zone, and we ask
judgment to be granted against the defendant to assure
payment of the balance."
The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused at the way his opponent
had prepared and presented the case. His defense, therefore, was
somewhat altered from the way he had originally planned to present it.
"Your Honor," he said, "my client agrees that the young
lady had a fine piece of property, that he did rent the
property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was
received from the transaction; however, my client found
a well on the property around which he placed his own
stones, sunk a shaft, erected a pump, and initiated
pumping operations personally performed by him, which
produced results mutually beneficial. We claim these
improvements to the property and the mutual benefit
resulting adequately compensate for the rental of said
property. We will, therefore, ask the judgment not be
granted."
Then the young lady's lawyer came back:
"Your Honor, my client agrees that the defendant did
find a well on her property, that he did make
improvements, and did produce favorable results such as
my opponent describes; however, had the defendant not
known the well existed, he would never have rented the
property. Also, upon vacating the premises the
defendant removed his stones, pulled out the shaft, and
took his pump with him. In doing so, he not only
dragged his equipment through the shrubbery, but also
left the hole much larger than it was prior to his
occupancy, requiring extensive mop up operations and
making it easily accessible to little children. We
therefore ask judgment be granted."
AND SHE GOT IT!
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Sat, 30 Nov 1996 14:35:29 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: Cow Dip (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
An old farmer is having trouble getting his bull to breed with the cows and is
lamenting the fact to a few of his friends down at the local beerhall. One of
them says, "Ya know, Ben, I used to have the same trouble with my bull, but I
got it fixed really quick."
"How did you get it fixed?"
"Well I just dipped my finger in the cow's vagina and rubbed it all over the
bull's nose and he got right after her."
Ben goes home to the farm and decides to try it. He grabs a cow, dips his
fingers in the cow's vagina and rubs it all around the bull's nose. The bull
gets a rip roaring boner and jumps on the cow immediately. Ben was impressed.
That night, Ben gets into bed with his wife and can't get the effect on the
bull out of his mind. As she lays sleeping, Ben dips his fingers into his
wife's vagina and feeling that it's nice and wet, he rubs it all around his
nose and gets a rip roaring hard on. He quickly shakes his wife awake and
cries out, "Honey, look!"
She rolls over, turns on the light and says, "You mean you woke me up in the
middle of the night just to show me that you have a nosebleed?"!!!!!!!
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Sat, 30 Nov 1996 20:09:36 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: You gotta kiss a lot of frogs first.... (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
Typical male behavior...
There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does
not know which one to marry. So he decides to give
each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.
The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with
the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo,
manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I
spent the money so I could look pretty for you because
I love you so much."
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD
player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the
man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the
money because I love you so much."
The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the
stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000
to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am
investing the rest of the money for our future because
I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how each of the
women spent the money and decided to marry the one with
the biggest breasts.
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Mon, 2 Dec 1996 19:13:48 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: Help Me... (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
In France, the young assistant pastors do not live in the main
rectory. That is reserved for the Pastor and his housekeeper.
One day the pastor invited his new young assistant pastor to have
dinner at the rectory. While being served, the young pastor noticed how
shapely and lovely the housekeeper was and he wondered...
After the meal was over, the middle-aged pastor assured the young
priest that everything was purely professional and that she was the
housekeeper and cook and that was that.
About a week later the housekeeper came to the pastor and said,
"Father, ever since the new assistant came for dinner I have not been
able to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he
took it, do you?"
The Pastor said, " Well, I doubt it but I'll write him a letter." So
he wrote, "Dear Father, I'm not saying you did take the gravy ladle and
I'm not saying you did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains
that it has been missing since you were here for dinner."
The young assistant received the letter and he answered it as follows:
"Dear Father Pastor, I'm not saying that you do sleep with the housekeeper
and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with the housekeeper. But I do
know for sure that if you slept in your own bed you would find the gravy
ladle."
------------------------------------------------------------
There was a young lad from Brighton
who said to his girl, "You're a tight one!"
she said, "Upon my soul...
You're in the wrong hole...
There's plenty of room in the right one!"
------------------------------------------------------------
A man had trouble communicating and was lonesome so he
goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help. The store he
happened into specialized in parrots. As he wandered down the
row of parrots he noticed one with no feet. Surprised he
muttered to himself " I wonder how he hangs onto the perch ?"
The parrot says " With my prick, you dummy. "
The guy is startled and says " You certainly talk well for a
parrot."
The parrot says " Of course, I'm a very well educated parrot. I
can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish."
The guy says " Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for."
The parrot says " There's not much of a market for maimed
parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me I'll bet he'll sell me."
The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great.
When he comes home from work the parrot tells him Clinton
said this, the A's won, the Giants lost, the pope did so and so.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves
a wing at him and says " Come in and shut the door."
The guy says " Whats up ?"
The parrot says " I don't know how to tell you this, but the
mailman came today. Your wife answered the door in her
negligee and he kissed her right on the lips."
The guy says " Oh, a momentary flight of passion."
The parrot says " Then he fondled her breasts."
The guy says " He did ?"
The parrot says " Then he pulled her negligee down and started
sucking on her breasts."
The guy says " My God, what happened next ?!?"
The parrot says " I don't know. I got a hardon and fell off my
perch."
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Tue, 3 Dec 1996 22:29:05 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: 3 Quickies (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
There is a new commander of a base of the French Foreign Legion, and the
captain is showing him around all the buildings. After he has made the
rounds the commander looks at the captain and says, "Wait a minute. You
haven't shown me that small blue building over there. What's that used
for?" The captain says, "Well sir, you see that there are no women around.
Whenever the men feel the need of a woman, they go there and use the
camel." "Enough!" says the commander in disgust.
Well, two weeks later, the commander himself starts to feel in need of a
woman. He goes to the captain and says, "Tell me something, Captain."
Lowering his voice and glancing furtively around, he asks, "Is the camel
free anytime soon?" The captain says, "Well, let me see." He opens up his
book. "Why, yes, sir, the camel is free tomorrow afternoon at two
o'clock." The commander says, "Put me down for two o'clock then."
So the next day at two o'clock the commander goes to the little blue
building and opens the door. There inside he finds the cutest camel he's
ever seen. Right next to the camel is a little step stool, so he closes the
door behind him and puts the step stool directly behind the camel. He
stands on the stool, drops his pants, and begins to have sex with the
camel. A minute later the captain walks in. "Ahem, begging your pardon,
sir," says the captain, "but wouldn't it be wiser to ride the camel into
town and find a woman like all the other men?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
An older gentleman was standing at a bus stop, observing a young man with
orange, green, and blue spiked hair.
After a few moments, the young man said, "What's the matter, old man,
haven't you ever done anything wild?"
The old man smiled and said, "Well, yes. I once had sex with a parrot,
and I was wondering if you might be my son . . . "
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A man met his ex-wife at a party and after a few drinks asked her if she
would spend the night with him 'just for old times sake.' 'Over my dead
body' she replied. 'That's right' he smiled, 'let's not change a thing!'
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Wed, 4 Dec 1996 23:06:45 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: GirlFriend 3.1 upgrade (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend3.1 to GirlFriendPlus1.0
(marketing name: Fiancee1.0). Recently he upgraded Fiancee1.0 to
Wife1.0 and it's a memory hogger, has taken all his space; and
Wife1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he didn't
ask for them, Wife1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and
BrotherInLaw.
Some features I'd like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend4.0...
- A "Don't remind me again" button
- Minimize button
- Shutdown feature
- An installshield feature so that Girlfriend4.0 can be completely
uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects)
- "Abort" button (O.K. that one's pretty bad - but had to say it)
I tried running Girlfriend 2.0 with Girlfriend 1.0 still installed,
they tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried to
uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 but it didn't have an uninstall program.
I tried to unstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory.
Another thing that sucks -- in all versions of Girlfriend that I've
used is that it is totally "object orientated" and only supports
hardware with gold plated contacts.
***** BUG WARNING ********
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1
before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files
before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse
to install, claiming insufficient resources.
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Thu, 5 Dec 1996 23:00:18 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: Excuses from school! (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
THE FOLLOWING IS A PARTIAL LIST OF ACTUAL WRITTEN EXCUSES GIVEN TO TEACHERS
IN THE ALBURQUERQUE PUBLIC SCHOOL SYSTEM BY PARENTS OF STUDENTS:
1. Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30,
31, 32, and also 33.
2. Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in bed
with gramps.
3. Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father's fault.
4. Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.
5. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.
6. Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor.
7. Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over.
8. My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed.
Please execute him.
9. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit
in the growing part.
10. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this
weekend with the Marines.
11. Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off
a tree and misplaced her hip.
12. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
13. Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat,
headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore
throat, her brother had a low-grade fever. There must be the flu
going around, her father even got hot last night.
14. Please excuse Blanche from jim today. She is administrating.
15. George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.
16. Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.
17. Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
18. Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals.
19. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diah(*crossed
out*), diahoah(*crossed out*), dyah(*crossed out*) the shits.
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Fri, 6 Dec 1996 21:37:01 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: elderly woman (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
An elderly woman walked into the head branch of Chase Manhattan Bank
building holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man
at window that she wished to take the 3 million dollars she had in the
bag and open an account with the bank. She said that first though, she
wished to meet the President of Chase Manhatten Bank due to the large
amount of money involved.
The teller seemed to think that was a reasonable request and, after
opening the bag and seeing the bundles of $1,000 bills which amounted to
right at $3million, he phoned the Persident to make the appointment for
the woman.
The woman was escorted upstairs to the President's office. Introduction
were made and she said that she liked to get to know the people she did
businness with on a more personal level. The bank President then asked
how did she come into such a large sum of money.
"Was it an inheritance ?" he asked.
"No" she answered
"Was it from playing the Stock Market?" he inquired.
"No", She replied
He was quite for a moment, trying to figure out how the elderly lady
came into such a large sum of money.
"I won it by betting" she stated.
"As in horses?"
"No", she replied, "I bet on people"
Seeing his confusion, she explaned that she would bet on different
things with people. All of a sudden she said, "I'll bet you $25,000 that
by 10 o'clock tomorrow morning your balls will be square."
The bank President figured that she must be off her rocker and decided
to taker her up on the bet. He didn't see how he could lose. For the
rest of the day, he was very careful. He decided to stay home that
evening and take no chances, since there was $25,000 at stake.
When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make
sure everything was okay. There was no difference in his scrotal
appearance. He looked the same as he always had. He went to work and
waited for the woman to come in at 10 o'clock, humming as he went. He
knew, this would be a lucky day - how often did he get handed $25,000
for doing nothing ?
At 10 o'clock sharp the woman was shown into his office. With her was a
man. Then the bank President asked what the other man was doing in the
office with her, and she explaned to the President that he was her
Lawyer and always took him along on bets when large sums of money was at
stake.
"Well", she asked,"What about our bet?"
"I don't know how to tell you this",he answered,"But I'm the same as
I've always have been, only $25,000 richer."
The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see
for herself.The bank President thought that this was a reasonable
request and drooped his trousers. She instructed him to bend over, and
she grabbed a hold of him. Sure enough, everything was fine. His balls
were not square.
The bank President then looked up and saw the Lawyer standing across the
room banging his head against the wall.
"What's wrong with him ?", he asked.
"Oh, him", She answered, " I bet him $100,000 that by 10:30 this morning
I'd have the President of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls."
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Fri, 6 Dec 1996 22:10:36 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: America......then and now. (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
improved.......here are some excerpts.....
During the first half of my life, this was the way things were ----> Then
During the second half of my life, this is the way things are ------> Now
Then : Women worked as schoolteachers, secretaries, clerks or telephone
operators.
Men called them girls.
Now: Women do the same work as men, have the same successful careers, but
not always
for the same pay. Be careful what you call them, fellows. They will sue
you in
a heartbeat.
Then : Doctors, lawyers, teachers and preachers were respected members of the
community.
Now : Doctors live in fear of lawyers. Lawyers live well off of doctors.
Preachers
preach against what is being taught in schools. Teachers cannot mention
churches.
Then : Movies, radio and television were controlled totally by censorship.
Now : Movies, radio and television are out of control totally.
Then:A baby born out of wedlock was a horrible sin for which there was no
forgiveness.
Birth control was virtually non-existent.
Now: Babies born out of wedlock are commonplace. There is all kinds of birth
control.
Then : Abortion was against the law - no ifs, ands or buts.
Now : A woman has a right to abort her unborn baby - no ifs, ands or buts.
Then : There had never been a divorce in your family. They made the best of a
bad situation.
Now : All of us have had divorces in our family. We have made a mess of a bad
situation.
Then : If you were liberal, they called you a communist.
Now : If you are a conservative, they call you a Nazi.
Then : America was a Christian, God-fearing nation.
Now: America is a Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Buddhist, Shinto, Taoist,
Hindu, atheist,
druid,God-only-knows-what nation.
Then : If you did not go to church, you were going to Hell.
Now : If you do not go to church, what the hell.
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Fri, 6 Dec 1996 22:19:48 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: Only comes once a year (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
After a few years of married life , this guy finds that he is
unable to perform anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor
tries a few things but nothing works.
Finally the doctor says to him "this is all in your mind", and
refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink,
the shrink confess, " I am at a loss as to how you could possibly
be cured."
Finally the psychiatrist refers him to witch doctor.
The witch doctor tells , "I can cure this", and throws some powder
on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke ........
The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing but you can only
use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall
rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's over?"
The witch doctor says "all you have to say is '1234' and it will
go down. But be warned it will not work again for a year!"
The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife
with the good news....... So, he is lying in bed with her and
says "123", and suddenly he gets an erection.
His wife turns over and says "What did you say '123' for?
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Sat, 7 Dec 1996 14:29:10 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: Tons 'O Filthy Jokes (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife
on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says
"I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to
stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later,
he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear,
"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
These three women were sitting around one night talking about there
boyfriends when they decided they would give their men nicknames based on
kinds of soda.
The first woman said: "I'm gonna call Tom "Mountain Dew" because he is as
strong as a mountain and always wants to do it!"
The second woman said: "I'm gonna call Bruce "7-Up" because he has seven
inches and it is always up!"
The third woman said: "I'm gonna call my man "Jack Daniels."
The other two women responded: "Jack Daniels? But that's a
hard liquor."
The third woman replied: "THAT'S MY LEROY!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. As
he passes his parent's bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole. He watches
for a moment, then continues on down the hallway, saying to himself, "Boy,
and she gets mad at me for sucking my *thumb*"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The office playboy had a date with an attractive young woman. The next
day someone asked him how things had gone. "She uses too many four-letter
words for me," was the reply. "Really?" "Yes," answered the playboy. "All
evening long she was saying "don't" and "stop" and "quit that."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A fellow picked up a girl in a bar and took her home with him. After some
preliminary drinks and talk, they got undressed, climbed into bed and
generally got organized for a leg over. After a few minutes, the girl
started laughing. The fellow asked her what she found so amusing. "Your
organ," she replied. "It's a bit on the small side."
Hurt, he replied: "It's not used to playing in cathedrals."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two kids were having the standard argument about whose father could beat up
whose father. One boy said, "My father is better than your father." The
other kid said, "Well, my mother is better than your mother." The first boy
paused, "I guess you're right. My fathers says the same thing."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day he meets a beautiful
17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to
Florida for their honeymoon. When they get back, his friend says to him,
"So, tell me, how was it?" "Oh, it was beautiful," says the man. "The sun,
the surf, we made love almost every night, we--" His friend interrupts him.
"A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?" "Oh," says the
man, "we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday..."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
An old man of 70 married a young girl of 18. When they got into bed the
night after the wedding, he held up three fingers. "Oh honey", said the
young nymph, "Does that mean we're going to do it three times?" "No", said
the old man, "It means you can take your pick."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest
daughter walks in.
Child: Mother, where do babies come from?
Mom: Well dear...a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night
they go into their room...they kiss and hug and have sex. (The
daughter looks puzzled.) That means the daddy puts his penis in the
mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey.
Child: Oh I see, but the other night when I came into you and daddy's room
you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?
Mom: Jewelry, dear.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Little Johnny: Mom, what kind of bird brings white babies?
Mother: Why, a stork, little Johnny.
Little Johnny: Mom, what kind of bird brings black babies?
Mother: A raven, dear.
Little Johnny: Then what kind of bird brings no babies at all?
Mother: A swallow!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The sky was dark
The moon was high
All alone just she and I
Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart
And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time ever
At milking a cow...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Boyfriend: Do you smoke after sex?
Girlfriend: Dunno, I've never looked.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A poor man told his wife, I am sick and tired of being poor, I am going
to work overseas. So, he took off to Africa. A few years later, he
returned. As he approached his house he got stunned with the luxurious and
rich look of the house. He knocked on the door, the servant opened.
"Is the housewife in?" he asked.
The servant replied: "Just a moment." The wife comes out:
Wife: Wow, my man, all dressed up as a rich man after these years.
Husband: Guess what? I am rich.
Wife: How?
Husband: I went to Africa, found people walk with no underwear and sleep
on sand, so I began to make and sell underwear and beds. Due to
the high demand, I got rich fast.
Wife: A man, with all of your strength, had to go all the way to Africa,
making beds and underwear, to get rich, and I am a little woman that
stayed here, without underwear and on a single bed...I got REAL
rich.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I met this gal in a bar, and one thing lead to another... I said, "Let's
go back to my place." She said, "Oh, do you have cable?" I said, "No...But
I have some old ropes that should hold just fine..."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two WASPs are making love. Afterward the man says to the woman, "What's
the matter? Didn't you like it?" The woman says, "Of course I liked it.
What gave you the idea that I didn't?" "Well," says the man, "you
moved."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day, a father and his son were walking in the woods on their way home
when suddenly they came upon two dogs mating in the brush.
"What are they doing, Dad?" asked the small child, staring intently at the
scene before them. "They, um, they're making a puppy" said the boy's father,
as he grabbed his coat and moved him along quickly.
A few nights later, the little boy woke up and got up from his bed to go to
the bathroom. As he walked by his parents' room, he heard strange noises
coming from within. He opened the door and was surprised to see his father
on top of his mother, moving in a strange way.
His father looked up and saw his son - instantly, both mother and father
froze. As the boy's mother grabbed for the sheets to cover herself up, the
father got up and hustled his son out of the bedroom.
"What were you doing to Mom, Dad?" asked the little boy, who still wasn't
sure what he saw. "Your mother and I were, well, we were, ah, trying to make
a baby - you know, maybe a brother or sister for you" said the boy's father,
now confident that this would satisfy his son's curiosity.
"Oh" said the little boy, thinking hard for a minute. "Y'know Dad, when you
go back to bed with mom, turn her over, please - I'd rather have a puppy".
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The difference between a good girl and a nice girl:
A nice girl goes out on a date, goes home, and goes to bed.
A good girl goes out on a date, goes to bed, and then goes home.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number
of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a
terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle
slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about
it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome
the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife
could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my
penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Sat, 7 Dec 1996 17:18:35 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: No Cheerios! (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
A 7-year-old and his 4-year-old brother are upstairs in their bedroom.
The 7-year-old is explaining that it is high time that the two of them
begin swearing. When his little brother responds enthusiastically, the
7-year old says, "When we go downstairs for breakfast this morning,
I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass'." The 4-year-old happily agrees.
As the two boys are seating themselves at the breakfast table, their
mother walks in and asks her older son what he would like to eat for
breakfast. The 7-year-old replies, "Aw hell, mom, I'll just have some
Cheerios." WHACK! The surprised mother reacts quickly. The boy runs
upstairs, bawling and rubbing his behind. With a sterner note in her
voice, the mother then asks the younger son, "And what would YOU like
for breakfast?" "I don't know," the 4-year-old blubbers, "but you can
bet your ass it's not gonna be Cheerios!"
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Sun, 8 Dec 1996 22:39:45 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: TOP TEN SIGNS YOU PICKED THE WRONG INTERNET SERVICE PROVIDER (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU PICKED THE WRONG INTERNET SERVICE PROVIDER
There are two ways to tell whether your Internet service provider is
up to par. The first is to check how other CNET members have rated
their ISPs:
http://www.cnet.com/Content/Reviews/Compare/ISP/
The other is to see how many matches you can find between your
provider and this week's top ten list. If the number of matches is
greater than zero, go back to the feature and find a new ISP--pronto.
10. Their company logo: two tin cans and a length of string.
9. You check out their address, and it's a phone booth containing a
Compaq portable and an acoustic coupler.
8. Their chief technical officer lives in a 10-foot-by-7-foot shack
in the woods.
7. Their proud boast: "We've been on the Internet since it was CB
radio."
6. Their promo materials use the words "information" and
"superhighway" in the same sentence
5. You order an SLIP/PPP connection, email, and 2MB of server space
for your personal Web site, and the voice on the other end of the
phone asks "Would you like fries with that?"
4. "As seen in Better Business Bureau special reports."
3. "Access speeds up to 9,600 bps in most areas."
2. They hawk both domain names and Rolexes on street corners.
1. They charge by the word.
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Mon, 9 Dec 1996 23:01:29 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: Management buzzwords & Sysop headaches (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
BUZZWORDS FOR MANAGERS
==========================
COLUMN I COLUMN II COLUMN III
--------------------- --------------------- --------------------
0. integrated 0. management 0. options
1. heuristic 1. organizational 1. flexibility
2. systematized 2. monitored 2. capability
3. parallel 3. reciprocal 3. mobility
4. functional 4. digital 4. programming
5. responsive 5. logistical 5. scenarios
6. optional 6. transitional 6. time-phase
7. synchronized 7. incremental 7. projection
8. compatible 8. third-generation 8. hardware
9. futuristic 9. policy 9. contingency
The procedure is simple. Think of any three-digit number; then
select the corresponding buzzword from each column. For instance,
number 257 produces "systematized logistical projection", a phrase
that can be dropped into virtually any report with that ring of
decisive knowledgeable authority. No one will have the remotest
idea of what you're talking about, but the important thing is
that THEY ARE NOT ABOUT TO ADMIT IT.
-author unknown
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Suspecting that sys-op at the company we work for have this habit of
scanning the headers of e-mail messages sent, we started using some
controversial headers that would really tickle his imagination.
What follows is a list of some of the better ones we could dream up:
subj: Adult entertainment FTP sites list
subj: Breaking down Unix system firewalls
subj: Subscription address for Satanic Digest
subj: Letting your friends use company Internet Access
subj: Reporting management to the IRS
subj: Formation of new trade unions
subj: FTP rights for everyone: how to bypass company restrictions
subj: Abo$% y@#r vir%s
subj: SUBSCRIBE HUMOUR LIST
subj: Management salary review
subj: STRICTLY PRIVATE & CONFIDENTIAL
subj: Sex talk via Telnet
subj: Good news!
subj: Online games via Internet Email
subj: IMPORTANT: WIPE THIS FILE AFTER READING
subj: How to generate a mail bomb
subj: Automatic Digest: Church of Euthenasia sermon
subj: Finding a better job through Internet
subj: How to make a fortune selling company secrets
subj: RE: Your application for emmigration
subj: Offer: Second hand office equipment
subj: Nude pictures of my sys-op's daughter
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Tue, 10 Dec 1996 18:14:13 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: Good Times
goodtime.exe
The preceding e-mail entitled "Good Times" is a spoof on the recent flood
of emails warning about the nonexistant "Good Times Virus." The attached
_ -----_ file, "goodtime.exe" is a DOS program
// {|||} 0]_____ that does nothing more than than explain
|| {|||} \-----] how viruses are transmitted, and that
\\ {|||} _\____ the "Good Times Virus" is a hoax.
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ | But it sure makes you think for
| DogByte | a moment when you see it in your
\| ----------- \ INBOX, right?
| ||
|| || Have some fun with it!!!
== ==
Back To Top
Date: Tue, 10 Dec 1996 22:51:03 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: The Ultimate College Final (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____ The response to "Good Times" has
|| {|||} \-----] been outstanding!!! Most people had
\\ {|||} _\____ a good laugh,... and a few people
\\ {|||} / ---- Unsubscribed from TrashLaughs.
\\-------- /
/ | And that helps open up space in my
| DogByte | addressbook for more folks like YOU!
\| ----------- \
| || I hope you're enjoying it as much
|| || as I did!
== ==
FINAL EXAMINATION
Instructions: Read each question carefully. Answer all questions.
Time Limit: 4 hours. Begin immediately.
1) H I S T O R Y
Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the
present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on
its social, political, economic, religious, and philosophical
impact on Europe, Asia, America, and Africa. Be brief, concise,
and specific.
2) M E D I C I N E
You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and
a bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until
your work has been inspected. You have 15 minutes.
3) P U B L I C S P E A K I N G
Twenty-five hundred riot-crazed aborigines are storming the
classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except
Latin or Greek.
4) B I O L O G Y
Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human
culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years
earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the
English parliamentary system. Prove your thesis.
5) M U S I C
Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute
and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.
6) P S Y C H O L O G Y
Based on your degree of knowledge of their works, evaluate the
emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed
frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias,
Rameses II, Gregory of Nicea, Hammurabi.
Support your evaluations with quotations from each man's work,
making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.
7) S O C I O L O G Y
Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end
of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.
8) M A N A G E M E N T S C I E N C E
Define management. Define science. How do they relate? Why?
Create a generalized algorithm to optimize all managerial
decisions. Assuming an 1130 CPU supporting 50 terminals, each
terminal to activate your algorithm; design the communications
interface and all necessary control programs.
9) E N G I N E E R I N G
The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed
in a box onyour desk. You will also find an instruction manual,
printed in Swahili. In ten minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be
admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel is
appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision.
10) E C O N O M I C S
Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt.
Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas:
Cubism, the Donatist controversy, the wave theory of light.
Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criticize this
method from all possible points of view. Point out the
deficiencies in your point of view, as demonstrated in your
answer to the last question.
11) P O L I T I C A L S C I E N C E
There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War
III. Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any.
12) E P I S T E M O L O G Y
Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your
position.
13) P H Y S I C S
Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an
evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on
science.
14) P H I L O S O P H Y
Sketch the development of human thought; estimate its
significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of
thought.
15) G E N E R A L K N O W L E D G E
Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.
* * E X T R A C R E D I T * *
Define the universe; give three examples.
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Tue, 10 Dec 1996 23:06:31 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: The FINAL final (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
The setting is Ohio State University about six or seven years ago in a huge
lecture hall (approximately 1000 students) for a Calculus final.
Apparently this particular calculus teacher wasn't very well liked. He was
one of those guys who would stand at the front of the class and yell out how
much time was remaining before the end of a test, a real charmer. Since he
was so busy gallivanting around the room making sure that nobody cheated and
that everyone was aware of how much time they had left before their failure
on the test was complete, he had the students stack the completed tests on
the huge podium at the front of the room. This made for quite a mess,
remember there were 1000 students in the class.
Anyway, during this particular final, one guy entered the test needing a
decent grade to pass the class. His only problem with Calculus was that he
did poorly when rushed, and this guy standing
in the front of the room barking out how much time was left before the tests
had to be handed in didn't help him at all. He figured he wanted to assure
himself of a good grade, so he hardly flinched when the professor said
"pencils down and submit your scantron sheets and work to piles at the front
of the room".
Five minutes turned into ten, ten into twenty, twenty into forty...almost an
hour after the test was "officially over", our friend finally put down his
pencil, gathered up his work, and headed to the front of the hall to submit
his final. The whole time, the professor sat at the front of the room,
strangely waiting for the student to complete his exam.
"What do you think you're doing?" the professor asked as the student stood
in front of him about to put down his exam on one of the neatly stacked
piles of exams (the professor had plenty of time to stack the mountain of
papers while he waited) It was clear that the professor had waited only to
give the student a hard time.
"Turning in my exam," retorted the student confidently. "I'm afraid I have
some bad news for you," the professor gloated, "Your exam is an hour late.
You've FAILED it and, consequently, I'll see you next term when you repeat
my course."
The student smiled slyly and asked the professor "Do you know who I am?"
"What?" replied the professor gruffly, annoyed that the student showed no
sign of emotion.
The student rephrased the question mockingly, "Do you know what my name is?"
"NO", snarled the professor.
The student looked the professor dead in the eyes and said slowly, "I didn't
think so", as he lifted up one of the stacks half way, shoved his test
neatly into the center of the stack, let the stack fall burying his test in
the middle, turned around, and walked casually out of the huge lecture hall.
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Wed, 11 Dec 1996 21:36:27 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: Yesterday (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
Yesterday,
all my finals seemed so far away.
Then I realized they start today.
Oh, how I long for yesterday.
Suddenly,
I no longer have the grade of "B".
Now it's looking closer to a "C".
Oh, finals came so suddenly.
I can
cram, although I can blow
it off today.
Come to-
morrow morn, I'll get on
my knees and pray...
Yesterday,
This was such an easy tune to play.
Now my chops are all but gone away,
My jury's a half-hour away.
What I
have to show
I don't know,
the prof won't say.
I'll spell
something wrong, or I'll bomb..
... there goes my "A"...
Yesterday.
Thought of graduating come this May.
Now it looks as though I'm here to stay,
oh, how I long for Yesterday.
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Wed, 11 Dec 1996 21:49:24 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: I'm Tired (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
Yes, I'm tired. For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron
poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other
maladies. But now I found out it ain't that. I'm tired because
I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are
retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the
work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
This leaves 19 million to do the work.
Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to
do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State
and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.
There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the
work.
Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to
do the work.
You and me.
Boy Oh Boy..
And you're sitting there reading this.
No wonder I'm tired; I'm the only one working.
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Thu, 12 Dec 1996 22:09:56 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: Shhhhh, You'll Wake Her Up! (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
One evening after work several guys were going out to have a drink or two
and were trying to convince a married friend that he should come, too. "I
can't," the man said, " my wife would kill me." After 15 minutes of
persuasion by his friends he finally caves in and goes. Later looking at his
watch he realizes that it is midnight and he still has not gone home. He
immediately rushes home trying to figure a way out of the trouble he's in.
Upon his arrival, he walks into the bedroom and sees his wifes legs sticking
out of the covers. "I know" he thinks to himself and crawls in between his
wifes legs under the covers and performs oral sex on her until she is
satisfied. "That should do it," he thinks and walks into the bathroom to wash
his face. He turns on the light and there's his wife sitting on the toilet.
"What are you doing in here?" he impatiently screams. SSShhhhhh! she says,
"You'll wake your mother!!!!!
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Thu, 12 Dec 1996 22:20:11 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: Grandpa has a bigger willy than I do (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
There once was a boy who was staying with his grandparents for the weekend
while his parents were away. On Saturday his grandfather and him went fishing
together. The grandfather had brought a beer with him and pulled it out after
he had been there around an hour. The little grandson asked his grandfather if
he could have one too.
"Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole," the grandfather asked?
"Uhhh, no," the little boy said.
"Well then you can't have one," said the grandfather back.
After a while they went back home. There, the grandfather pulled out a
big cigar. Once again the little boy asked if he could have one. And again
the grandfather asks him:
"Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?"
"No," the boy replys.
"Well then you can't have one," he says again.
The little boy is a little bummed out, but doesn't say anything to the
grandfather. The next day the grandfather calls the boy down and asks him if
he would like to go to the store with him. "Yeah," the boy says and they hop
into the truck. At the store the grandfather is paying for his purchases and
he asks the clerk for two lottery tickets. He hands one to the little boy and
they both check to see if they won.
"Damn, I didn't win a thing," says the grandfather.
"YEAH!!! I WON!!!" shouts out the little boy. "I won $2,500!!"
"That's great!" says the grandfather "you're going to share it with me,
right?"
The boy says, "Grandpa, can your penis touch your asshole?"
"Why yes it can, why?"
"THEN GO FUCK YOURSELF!!!"
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Fri, 13 Dec 1996 20:19:03 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: Xmas en espanol (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
La Noche Buena
'Twas the night before Christmas and all through la casa
Not a creature was stirring; !Caramba! ?Que pasa?
Los nin~os were all tucked away in their camas,
Some in vestidos, and some in pijamas,
While Mama worked late in her little cocina,
El Viejo was down at the corner cantina.
The stockings were hanging con mucho cuidado,
In hopes that St. Nicholas would feel obligado,
To bring all the children, both buenos and malos,
A nice batch of dulces and other regalos.
Outside in the yard there arose such a grito
That I jumped to my feet like a frightened cabrito.
I ran to my window and looked out afuera,
And who in the world do you think that it era?
St. Nick in a sleigh and big red sombrero
Came dashing along like a crazy bombero!
And pulling his sleigh, instead of venados
Were eight little burros, approaching volados.
I watched as they came, and this quaint little hombre
Was shouting and whistling and calling by nombre:
"!Ay, Pancho! !Ay, Pepe! !Ay, Cuca! !Ay, Beto!
!Ay, Chato! !Ay, Chopo! !Ay, Maruca y Nieto!
Then standing up tall with his hand on his pecho,
He flew to the top of our very own techo.
With his round little belly like a bowl of jalea,
He struggled to squeeze down our old chimenea.
Then, huffing and puffing, at last in our sala,
With soot smeared all over his read suit de gala,
He filled all the stockings with lovely regalos.
He turned like a flash and was gone like viento,
And I heard him exclaim--and this is verdad--
"Merry Christmas to all! !Feliz Navidad!
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Sat, 14 Dec 1996 11:04:15 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: Condoms (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
New Condom Slogans
Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten millon strong and growing.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but Ph balanced for a woman.
Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple.
Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.
Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey-- you never know.
California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
Coca Cola Condoms: Always a Real Thing.
Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.
Cambells Soup Condoms: Mmm, mmm good.
The Carl's Jr. Condom: If it doesn't get all over the place, it doesn't
belong in your face...
General Electric: We bring good things to life!
AT&T condom: "Reach out and touch someone."
Bounty: The quicker picker upper.
Microsoft: where do you want to go today ?
Energizer: It keeps going and going and going....
M&M condom: "It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!"
Chevron: use them? people do.
Taco Bell: get some; make a run for the border
MCI: for friends and family
Double Mint: Double your pleasure, double your fun!
The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter
Delta Airlines travel pack: Delta's ready when you are
United Airlines travel pack: Fly United
The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Sat, 14 Dec 1996 13:35:00 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: Airbags... (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
GENERAL MOTORS INTRODUCES NEW INSTANT-WIN AIRBAGS
DETROIT--With third-quarter sales sluggish and its share of the
domestic market down 11 percent since 1993, General Motors unveiled a
new instant-win airbag contest Monday.
The new airbags, which award fabulous prizes upon violent, high-speed
impact with another car or stationary object, will come standard in all
of the company's 1997 cars.
"Auto accidents have never been so exciting," said GM vice-president of
marketing Roger Jenkins, who expects the contest to boost 1997 sales
significantly. "When you play the new GM Instant Win Airbag Game, your
next fatal collision could mean a trip for two to Super Bowl XXXI in
New Orleans. Or a year's worth of free Mobil gasoline."
Though it does not officially begin until Jan. 1, 1997, the airbag
promotion is already being tested in select cities, with feedback
overwhelmingly positive.
"As soon as my car started to skid out of control, I thought to myself,
'Oh, boy, this could be it--I could be a big winner!'" said
Cincinnati's Martin Frelks, who lost his wife but won $50 Sunday when
the Buick LeSabre they were driving hit an oil slick at 60 mph and
slammed into an oncoming truck. "When the car stopped rolling down the
embankment, I knew Ellen was dead, but all I could think about was
getting the blood and glass out of my eyes so I could read that
airbag!"
"It's really addictive," said Sacramento, CA, resident Marjorie Kamp,
speaking from her hospital bed, where she is listed in critical
condition with severe brain hemorrhaging and a punctured right lung.
"I've already crashed four cars trying to win those Super Bowl tickets,
but I still haven't won. I swear, I'm going to win those tickets--even
if it kills me!"
Kamp said that as soon as she is well enough, she plans to buy a new
Pontiac Bonneville and drive it into a tree.
GM officials are not surprised the airbag contest has been so well
received. "In the past, nobody really liked car wrecks, and that's
understandable. After all, they're scary and dangerous and, sometimes,
even fatal," GM CEO Paul Offerman said. "But now, when you drive a new
GM car or truck, your next serious crash could mean serious cash. Who
wouldn't like that?"
Offerman added that in the event a motorist wins a prize but is killed,
that prize will be awarded to the next of kin.
According to GM's official contest rules, odds of winning the grand
prize, a brand-new 1997 Cutlass Supreme, are 1 in 43,000,000.
Statistical experts, however, say the real chances of winning are
significantly worse. "If you factor in the odds of getting in a serious
car accident in the first place--approximately 1 in 720,000--the actual
odds of winning a prize each time you step in your car are more like 1
in 31 trillion."
Further, even if one is in an accident, there is no guarantee the
airbag will inflate. "I was recently broadsided by a drunk driver in my
new Chevy Cavalier," said Erie, PA, resident Jerry Polaner. "My car was
totaled, and because it was the side of my car that got hit, my airbag
didn't even inflate. But what really gets me is the fact that the drunk
driver, who rammed my side with the front of his 1997 Buick Regal, won
a $100 Office Depot gift certificate. That's just wrong."
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Sat, 14 Dec 1996 15:06:01 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: EGGHEADS (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
These two eggs had just been married and were on their honeymoon.
While they were sitting on the bed making out, the female egg pushed the
male egg away and said "I just have to go to the bathroom. Be back in a
minute." and off she went. Five minutes later the male egg saw his
sexy wife walk out in a slinky egglige, wiping her hands up and down her
smooth, ovally body. Instantly, the male egg slapped his hands on the top
of his head, covering it completely. The female egg lookked at him and
asked what he was doing. He replied "The last time i was this hard, someone
cracked me on the head with a spoon!
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Sun, 15 Dec 1996 20:46:38 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: Twas the night before finals (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
Twas the night before finals,
and all through the college,
The students were praying
For last minute knowledge.
Most were quite sleepy,
But none touched their beds,
While visions of essays
Danced in their heads.
Out in the taverns,
A few were still drinking,
And hoping that liquor
Would loosen up their thinking.
In my own room,
I had been pacing,
And dreading exams
I soon would be facing.
My roommate was speechless,
Her nose in her books,
And my comments to her
Drew unfriendly looks.
I drained all the coffee,
And brewed a new pot,
No longer caring
That my nerves had been shot.
I started at my notes,
But my thouhgts were muddy,
My eyes went ablur,
I just couldn't study.
"Some pizza might help,"
I said with a shiver,
But each place I called
Refused to deliver.
I'd nearly concluded
That life was too cruel,
With futures depending
On grades had in school.
When all of a sudden,
Our door opened wide,
And Patron Saint Put It Off
Ambled inside.
His spirit was careless,
His manner was mellow,
All of a sudden,
He started to bellow.
"On Cliff notes, on Crib notes
On Las Year Exams.
On Wingit and Slingit
And Last Minute Crams."
His message delivered
He vanished from sight.
But we heard him laughing
Outside in the night.
Your teachers have pegged you
So just do your best.
Happy Finals to All
And to all a Good Test.
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Sun, 15 Dec 1996 21:06:31 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: Rabbi and Priest (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____ Here's a new twist on a joke that
\\ {|||} / ---- had been circulated for a long time.
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
Rabbi and Priest
A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad
one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the
clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the
priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just
look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be
a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be
friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."
The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must
be a sign from God."
The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another
miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David
wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and
celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the priest.
The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the
bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the
cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks, "Aren't
you having any?"
The rabbi replies, "No...I think I'll wait for the police."
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Mon, 16 Dec 1996 05:10:32 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: Advise For Women (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
MEN'S 45 RULES FOR WOMEN
1. It is only common courtesy that you should leave the seat on the
toilet UP when you are done.
2. If you are cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include
something from each of the four major male food groups:
Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red.
3. Don't make him hold your purse in the mall.
4. Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the fine
bars and fraternities throughout the country, not all men are cretins
deserving your contempt.
5. Shopping is not fascinating.
6. When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is
only joking.
7. Unless the answer is yes.
8. In which case, can he videotape it?
9. If you REALLY want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking assholes.
10. The man is ALWAYS in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or
tending the grill.
11. Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the
room is not funny.
12. Money does not equate love. Not even in Nevada.
13. Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (ie
Microwaving a burrito, fixing Spaghetti, etc) should be met with
roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their
infant when it walks for the first time.
14. Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.
15. He heard you the first time.
16. You know, YOU can ask HIM out too... Let's spread the
rejection around a little.
17. If you truly want honesty, don't ask questions you don't really
want the answer to.
18. Of COURSE he wants another beer.
19. The guy doesn't ALWAYS have to sleep on the wet spot.
20. Dogs good. Cats bad.
21. Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny.
22. If he has to sit through "Legends of the Fall", you have to sit
through "Showgirls".
23. "Fine." is not an acceptable way to end an argument.
24. Do not question a man's innate navigational abilities by suggesting he
stop for directions.
25. He was not looking at that other girl.
26. Well, okay... maybe a little.
27. Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you never
looked at another guy...
28. There is nothing inherently wrong with the word "cunt".
29. He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you
have ever met.
30. And all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones.
31. Your (select appropriate item:) butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs look
fine. As a matter of fact, it/they look damn good. Stop asking.
32. If you want a satisfying sex life, you will NEVER fake an orgasm.
33. It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual flow
with him.
34. Remember: that Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if left in
the shower.
35. Two words: Blow job. Learn it. Live it. Love it.
36. Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells fine,
Looks fine/smells bad, Looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to
wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized in this manner.
37. Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford is prettier than
you; Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves is better
looking than him. But since neither one of you is going to be
dating any of these people, love the one you're with.
38. Of course size matters, and boy does he have the grandaddy of them
all.
39. His (fill in appropriate selections:) bald spot/beer gut/impossibly
thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash, is cute.
40. Don't hog the covers.
41. Watching football is a major turn-on for you. But please wait until
the halftime show to act upon that...
42. He does not just want to be friends.
43. A successful date always starts with the woman uttering the sentence:
"You know, why don't we just skip the expensive dinner and stay here
having freaky circus sex all night?"
44. Call so he doesn't feel like he has to.
45. Hang the toilet paper the other way if you don't like it. Otherwise
you can find the nearest gas station.
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Mon, 16 Dec 1996 05:13:07 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: APPLICATION TO LIVE IN NORTHERN NEW JERSEY (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
> APPLICATION TO LIVE IN NORTHERN NEW JERSEY
> NAME:__________________________
> Nickname:_____________________
> ADDRESS: ______________________ EXIT #______________________
> ETHNIC BACKGROUND: _______Italian _______Sicilian ________Jewish
> BACKYARD SMELLS LIKE:
> a)Sewage b)Sulfur c)Garbage d)All of the above
> TOTAL # OF MUSCLE SHIRTS
> a)5 - 10 b)10 - 15 c)15 - 20 d)20 and above
> # OF BON JOVI TOUR SHIRTS
> a)5 - 10 b)10 - 15 c)15 - 20 d)20 and above
> # OF BON JOVI TOUR SHIRTS THAT ARE ALSO MUSCLE SHIRTS
> a)5 - 10 b)10 - 15 c)15 - 20 d)20 and above
> BRAND OF JEANS PREFERRED
> a)Sergio Valente b)Jordache c)Sassoon d)Z. Cavaricci
> PERCENTAGE OF WARDROBE WHICH IS LEATHER
> a)100% b)95-100% c)90-95% d)85-90%
> TOTAL # OF GOLD CHAINS OWNED
> a)10 - 15 b)15 - 20 c)20 - 25 d)25 and above
> # OF GOLD CHAINS WORN AT ONE TIME
> a)5 - 10 b)10 - 15 c)15 - 20 d)20 and above
> APPROXIMATE VALUE OF ALL THIS JEWELRY
> a)$ 5 - $10 b)$10 - $15 c)$15 - $20 d)Stolen
> NUMBER OF APPLICATIONS OF OBSESSION/POLO/DAKAR TO ACHIEVE DESIRED EFFECT
> a)10 - 15 b)15 - 25 c)25 and above
> GOLD CAP ON AT LEAST ONE TOOTH? YES NO
> HAIR HEIGHT
> a)6 - 8 Inches b)8 - 12 Inches c)1 - 2 feet d)More than 2 feet
> HAIR PRODUCTS USED AT ANY GIVEN TIME
> a) Hair Spray
> b) Styling Gel
> c) Mouse
> d) Extra Hold Styling Gel
> e) Bondo
> f) Spackle
> g) 40 Weight Oil
> h) Crazy Glue
> AUTOMOBILE OWNED:
> a) IROC Z
> b) Firebird
> c) Camaro
> d) Mustang
> f) Chevette ( You got a f#%*ing problem with it?)
> NUMBER OF INCHES CAR IS OFF THE GROUND
> a)6 - 8 Inches b)4 -6 Inches c)2 - 4 Inches d)Under 2 Inches
> CHARACTERISTICS OF AUTOMOBILE
> a) Gold chain around license plate
> b) Neon lights around license plate
> c) Neon lights under car
> d) Chippendales/Playboy air freshener hanging from rear view mirror
> e) Garter hanging from rear view mirror
> f) Chrome hubcaps
> g) Stick-on window tinting
> h) Stick-on paint splash stickers
> i) Fuzzy dice
> FAVORITE SPORTS TEAM
> a) F#%*ing Giants
> b) F#%*ing Jets
> c) F#%*ing Mets
> d) F#%*ing Yankees
> e) F#%*ing Nets
> f) F#%*ing Knicks
> g) F#%*ing Devils
> h) F#%*ing Rangers
> i) F#%*ing Islanders
> FAVORITE MUSIC
> a) Techno
> b) Rap
> c) Bon Jovi
> d) Bruce Springsteen
> ESSAY QUESTION
> In 100 words or less, Define the term "Yoos Guys"
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Mon, 16 Dec 1996 22:38:07 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: Prison (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----] Well, you may have noticed that I've
\\ {|||} _\____ been sending A LOT of mail lately...
\\ {|||} / ---- It's because I expect that I may not
\\-------- / be sending very much next week when my
/ | parents come to town for the holidays.
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \ Then again... Maybe I will. I guess
| || we'll just have to wait and see.
|| ||
== ==
> PRISON OR WORK?
>
>
> In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8'x10 cell.
> At work you spend most of your time in a 6'x8'cubicle.
>
> In prison you get three meals a day.
> At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
>
> In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you get rewarded
> for good behavior with more work.
>
> In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
> At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and
> open all the doors yourself.
>
> In prison you can watch TV and play games.
> At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
>
> In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
> At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
>
> In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
> At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they
> deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
>
> In prison you spend most of your life looking through the bars
> from the inside wanting to get out.
> At work you spend your time wanting to get out and inside bars.
>
> In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.
> At work there are some programs you can never get out of.
>
> In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic.
> At work we have managers.
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Tue, 17 Dec 1996 00:21:09 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: Phone/Fax Joke (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers... like
a telephone... on his hand and talking into his hand. The bar tender walks
over and tells him that this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need
any trouble here. The guy says, you don't understand; I'm very hi-tech. I
had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the
cellular. The bar tender says prove it.
The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bar tender. The bartender
talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. That's incredible, says the
bartender... I would never believe it! Yeah, said the guy, I'm really very
hi-tech. I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it! By
the way, where is the men's room. The bar tender directs him to the
men's room. The guy goes in and doesn't come out for the longest time.
Fearing the worst given the tough neighborhood,the bar tender goes into
the men's room. There is the guy... he is spread-eagle on the wall...
his pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt.
"Oh my god, said the bar tender Did they rob you? How much did they
get?" The guy turns and says: No, no,... I'm just waiting for a fax!
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Tue, 17 Dec 1996 22:43:48 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: Men Vs. Dogs (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN
-- Dogs don't brag about whom they have slept with.
-- Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies.
-- You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.
-- Gorgeous dogs don't know they're gorgeous.
-- The worst social disease you can get from dogs
is fleas. (OK, the *really* worst disease you can get from
them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for
it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.)
-- Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in
public.
-- Dogs miss you when you're gone.
-- You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for
you.
-- Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
-- Dogs do not play games with you - except fetch (and
they never laugh at how you throw).
-- Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent,
because they know the most important thing is that you're
together.
-- Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
-- You can train a dog.
-- Dogs understand what "no" means.
-- Dogs don't make a practice of killing their own
species.
-- Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come
inside.
-- Dogs think you are a culinary genius.
-- You can house train a dog.
-- Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you
for a younger owner.
-- Dogs aren't threatened by a woman with short hair.
-- Dogs are nice to your relatives.
-- Dogs don't mind if you do all the driving.
-- Dogs don't step on the imaginary brake.
-- Dogs admit it when they're lost.
-- Dogs don't weigh down your purse with their stuff.
-- Dogs do not care whether you shave your legs.
-- Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.
-- Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
-- You can force a dog to take a bath.
HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME
-- Both take up too much space on the bed.
-- Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
-- Both are threatened by their own kind.
-- Both like to chew wood.
-- Both mark their territory.
-- Both are bad at asking you questions.
-- Neither tells you what's bothering them.
-- Both tend to smell riper with age.
-- The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
-- Neither do dishes.
-- Both fart shamelessly.
-- Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
-- Both like dominance games.
-- Both are suspicious of the postman.
-- Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
-- Neither understands what you see in cats.
-- Both have an inordinate fascination with women's
crotches.
WHY MEN ARE BETTER THAN DOGS
-- Men only have two feet to track in mud.
-- Men don't have to play with every man they see
when you take them around the block.
-- Men open their own cans.
-- Dogs have dog breath ALL the time
-- Men can do math stuff.
-- Holiday Inns accept men.
-- Men don't eat cat turds on the sly.
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
Date: Fri, 20 Dec 1996 18:25:44 -0700 (MST)
From: Dogbyte
To: TrashLaughs: ;
Subject: ARE YOU NORMAL? (fwd)
_ -----_
// {|||} 0]_____
|| {|||} \-----]
\\ {|||} _\____
\\ {|||} / ----
\\-------- /
/ |
| DogByte |
\| ----------- \
| ||
|| ||
== ==
ARE YOU NORMAL? -by B. Kanner
Facts about us Americans. Did you know that........
-only 30% of us can flare our nostrils
-21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.
-Men do 29% of laundry each week.
Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.
-40% of women have hurled footwear at a man
-85% of men don't use the slit in their underwear
-67.5% of men were tightie whities (briefs)
-the average bra size today is 36C whereas 10 years ago it was a 34B
-85% of women wear the wrong bra size
-3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with
singles leading up to higher denominations
-13% of us admit to occassionally doing our offspring's homework
-91% of us lie regularly
-27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz
-29% admit they've intentionally stolen something from a store
-50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid
the high prices of snack foods
-90% believe in divine retribution
-10% believe in the 10 Commandments
-82% believe in an afterlife
-45% believe in ghosts
-13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail
-29% of us are virgins when we marry
-58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't
-10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item
-Over 50% believe in spanking---but only a child over 2 years old
-35% give to charity at least once a month
-How far would you go for $10 million?
-25% would abandon their friends, family, and church
-7% would murder
-69% eat the cake before the frosting
-When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton
-85% of us will eat Spam this year
-70% of us drink orange juice daily
-Snickers is the most popular candy
-22% of us skip lunch daily
-9% of us skip breakfast daily
-66% of us eat cereal regularly
-22% of all restaurant meals include french fries
-14% of us eat the watermelon seeds
-only 13% brush our teeth from side to side
-45% use mouthwash every day
-22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink
-the typical shower is 101 degrees F
-Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair
-9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery
-53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on
-58% of women paint their nails regularly
-62% of us pop our zits
-33% of women lie about their weight
-10% of us claim to have seen a ghost
-57% have had deja vu
-49% believe in ESP
-4 out of 5 of us have suffered from hemorrhoids
-the average girl starts her period at age 12
-44% have broken a bone
-only 30% of us know our cholesterol level
-14% have attended a self-help meeting
-15% regularly go to a shrink
-78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home
-46.5% of men say they ALWAYS put the seat down after they've
used the toilet, yet women claim to ALWAYS find it up
-30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat
-54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet
-23.5% admit they don't always flush
-45.2% pee in the shower
-44.9% pee in the ocean
-28.1% pee in the pool
-55.2% will let someone else come in the bathroom while they're
using the toilet
-39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet. 17% have been
caught by the host.
-81.3% would tell an acquaintance to zip his pants
-29% of us ignore RSVP
-71.6% of us eavesdrop
-22% are functionally illiterate
-less than 10% are trilingual
-37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR
-53% prefer ATM machines over tellers
-56% of women do the bills in a marriage
-2 out of 3 of us wouldn't give up our spouse even for a night
for a million bucks
-20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life
-40% of us have had music lessons
-44% reuse tinfoil
-57% save pretty gift paper to reuse
-66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken
credit for doing it from scratch
-53% read their horoscopes regularly
-16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men)=
-59% of us say we're average-looking
-blacks are more than twice as likely to call themselves beautiful=
-90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us
-53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers
-28% of us have skinny-dipped. 14% with the opposite sex.
-51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity
-on average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year
-20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends
-2 out of 5 have married their first love
-the biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money
-only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's hand
-1 in 5 men proposed on his knees
-6% propose over the phone
-71% can drive a stick-shift car
-45% of us consistent follow the speed limit
-2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light
-1/3 of us don't wear seat belts
-12% of men never use their car blinkers
-44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them
-25% of us drive after we've been drinking
-4 out of 5 sing in the car
-the average sexual experience lasts about 39 minutes
-60% of men and 54% of women have had a 1-night stand
-women buy 4 out of every 10 condoms sold
-men say the average erect penis is 10". Women say it's 4"
-56% of men have had sex at work
-1 in 3 of us have had an extramarital affair
-62% think there is nothing wrong with affairs
.__________________________.
/\__/\ | |
/ O O\_| ---TrashLaughs--- |
/ \University of Hard Knocks|
/ \ \ dogbyte@goodnet.com |
/ _ \ \_______________________!
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | _||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | __)
| | | |_____ __) IT'S FREE!!!
| |_|_|_| | \___)
/\ | !!
/ /\ | /
/ / | | | To be added to the list, go to:
_/ / | | | http://www.goodnet.com/~dogbyte
!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c/
Back To Top
*OLD-EMAIL-GOES-HERE*
Back To Top